Developing kindness and compassion

As psychologists understand more about the human brain, research increasingly proves that learning to be kinder to ourselves and especially, being more compassionate, activates areas of the brain associated with healing, soothing, calmness and safety. Compassion is also at the heart of Buddhist teachings and practice. If you are prone to depression or anxiety, have an eating disorder or struggle with any kind of addiction, you may be overly harsh in the way you think about and talk to yourself. I believe that learning to stop bullying yourself – and treating yourself with a little more kindness – is the key to healing a whole range of difficulties.

Paul Gilbert is one of the leading figures in this new field and has developed a specific type of therapy, called Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT). If you would like to know more about CFT, read his books: The Compassionate Mind and Overcoming Depression: A Self Help Guide Using Cognitive-Behavioral Techniques. I use the following exercise, which is adapted from Overcoming Depression, to help clients develop a 'compassionate self':

•First, find a place where you can be alone and quiet. Sit comfortably and breathe slowly and evenly for a few minutes.

•Now imagine you are a wise and compassionate person. Think about all the qualities you would love to have as such a person and imagine you have them. Remember that it doesn't matter if you have these qualities or not – research shows that just imagining you do will change your brain in positive ways.

•Imagine having great wisdom and understanding; imagine having strength and fortitude; imagine having warmth and kindness and never being judgmental again. Spend some time thinking about what each of these feel like.

•Think about what other qualities you would like to have in your compassionate self and imagine you have them. Adopt a kind and gentle facial expression and body posture and spend time exploring them. Think about yourself 'at your best', recalling a time you felt calm, kind and wise and – as you keep breathing slowly and steadily – focus on these memories and qualities.

•Finally, imagine the sound of your voice, your tone, pace and rhythm when you speak from this compassionate self. Imagine the emotion and feelings that are in you and expressed in the way you speak.

•Every day, spend a little time playing with this role of being a 'calm, compassionate self'.

If you find this difficult, or have a hard time imagining a compassionate self, don't worry. Remember that simply by trying to evoke feelings of compassion you are stimulating parts of the brain that, little by little, will help you feel stronger, calmer and happier.

Best wishes,

Dan 

Tags: Addiction, Anger management, Anxiety, CBT, Cognitive Therapy, Compassion-Focused Therapy, Depression, Low mood, Meditation, Mental health, Mindfulness, Self-esteem, Self-kindness, Shame, Stress management