Regression: how to grow yourself back up

Have you ever been in an argument and suddenly found yourself lashing out, saying things you later regret? Or perhaps every time you go back to the family home for dinner, you find yourself behaving like your teenage self, not the mature adult you now are? It may happen with doctors, dentists, head teachers, the police, your boss or other authority figures. Everyone regresses – the only thing that varies is who with and how often.

Regression – when your adult self melts away to leave you feeling like a child – can get us into all sorts of trouble. Our prisons are full of men and women who, deep in regression, did something stupid or dangerous. Alcohol is a great regresser, why is why people behave in ways that baffle and embarrass them on the morning after, when they're sober and grown up again. You may regress with your partner, feeling powerful emotions that sweep logic and adult intellect aside. Or on the sports field – witness Sunday footballers screaming at referees like tantrumming toddlers. Grown men behaving like their children.

We often regress when we feel angry or scared; when someone disagrees with us about something we passionately believe; when we are criticised or shamed by a person we perceive as more powerful than us. The sure sign of regression is when you feel that horrible sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach, as you suddenly feel powerless and your brain turns to mush. And if you do find yourself regressing, one of the simplest and most powerful things you can do is to breathe – slow, deep breathing, as described in these relaxation techniques – until you 'feel like yourself' again.

If you're mid-argument with someone and it's turning nasty, stop, say you need a time-out and go for a walk. Breathe. Let your adult self slowly return as you get some perspective. Remember that things said when you are regressed can be deeply damaging, to the other person and yourself. In my experience, words spoken in anger are almost always destructive and unhelpful. So call a wise friend and let them calm you down. Use a journal and scrawl your angry words there – they can't hurt anyone if they never leave those pages.

If you would like to know more, read John Lee's excellent Growing Yourself Back Up: Understanding Emotional Regression. 

Best wishes,

Dan   

Tags: Abdominal breathing, Anger management, CBT, Core beliefs, Depression, Low mood, Mental health