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Self-acceptance versus self-esteem

Rich or poor, male or female, British or Bhutanese, in many ways we are all fundamentally the same. We all want to be happy. Each of us wants to feel proud of our achievements and to be respected for them. We all seek a partner and family who love us. Everyone strives for a meaningful, satisfying life. These shared goals and desires are what make us human.

But if we suffer from low self-esteem we will struggle to enjoy our day-to-day existence. Every criticism cuts us to the quick, while praise just bounces off because we don't believe it. No matter what we achieve, how much we earn or how often others tell us we are decent and good, we struggle to accept it. Because deep down, at our very core, we feel bad, flawed, unlovable.

So if you have low self-esteem it's important to work on it, either with a therapist or with some 'bibliotherapy' from an excellent book like Melanie Fennell's Overcoming Low Self-Esteem. I recommend this book to all my clients with esteem issues – it's designed as a CBT self-help workbook, so you can learn to be your own therapist (much cheaper too, I must admit!).

But in my opinion, even more important than self-esteem is self-acceptance. That's because we often gain self-esteem through the things we do, have or achieve. Especially in our celebrity-obsessed culture, we have come to equate self-esteem with being famous (even if it's just for being famous), skinny, youthful or wealthy. This kind of esteem is superficial and unsustainable, because what happens when your youth is gone, or you find that money doesn't bring happiness after all (for example: did you know that, after a while, Lottery winners return to their baseline happiness levels, or even end up more unhappy than they were before winning?).

Self-acceptance means feeling good about yourself right now, exactly as you are – inhabiting this imperfect body, with these wrinkles on your face, famous/not-famous, rich/poor, married/single. This is not easy, and counterintuitive in some ways, because we all have parts of us we try to disown or pretend are not there. Unfortunately, this doesn't work very well, because the harder we try to ignore the bits we don't like (our anger, say, or vulnerability) the more loudly they clamour for our attention. So it's better to accept yourself warts and all.

Meditation is an excellent companion on your journey towards self-acceptance, because the more you meditate, the more you come to realise that true happiness and contentment lies within. To be happy, we must let go of what the Buddha called the mind's three poisons: greed, hatred and delusion (in other words: wanting more stuff; being angry with or hating others; and refusing to see things as they are, rather than as we wish they were). Ironically, happiness lies in doing exactly the opposite of what those celebrity magazines tell us to do – craving things we don't need is what makes us miserable, not lacking them.

Remember that you are perfectly OK, right now, exactly as you are. That doesn't mean you should just give up or never try to be happier, wiser, stronger – but try to accept yourself as you are at each stage of that lifelong journey. And if you would like some help you can arrange a session with me through my assistant, Dawn Cope. Contact her on 0208 318 5735, info@danroberts.com or use the contact form to get in touch.

Best wishes,

Dan

Tags: Self-esteem

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Comments on this post

Hi Dan, I liked this article, but it didn't answer the question I came to it for: http://www.danroberts.com/blog/self-acceptance-or-self-esteem I came to open it because I was wondering what the difference is between self esteem and self acceptance. My general thoughts is esteem is how highly you view yourself and acceptance is how much you are okay with yourself (regardless of thinking high or low). But I don't think the article pointed that out very clearly. To end on a positive note, the thing I like most about reading this article is your clear desire to help people :). This is exemplified best in the part where you recommending a self help book so that people can save money while still getting help. Pretty neat! God bless, Pete

Peter Moore, 26.06.2013

I SURMISE YOU HD ME IN MIND AS YOU WENT ABOUT THIS. THANK YOU, JUST LOVED IT.

SALLY, 11.10.2013
Dan's reply:

Thanks Sally - I'm really glad it was helpful.

Best wishes,

Dan

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