Watch out for the 'S' word

If there is one word I would like to ban from the English language, it's 'should'. Why? Because every time I hear a client using it I know they are placing unduly harsh demands on themselves, other people or life in general. For example:

•'I should be happier by now – what's wrong with me?'

•'My wife should lose some weight – just because she's had a baby is no excuse for that flabby tummy.'

•'Why is my life so hard? Everything should just fall into place without all this bloody work.'

Close cousins of should are must, ought and have to (along, of course, with should not, must not, and so on). All very common and all equally unhelpful. Just try this: say to yourself, 'I should be happier.' What happens? Does your mood suddenly lift and a great wave of happiness wash over you? Or do you get a sudden sinking feeling, as you realise what a failure you are for not magically becoming more buoyant? My money's on the latter, because whenever we place a harsh demand on ourselves it's hard not to feel shouted at and told off, as if you had an inner sergeant major bullying you all the time.

Whenever you catch yourself using the 'S' word, try replacing it with 'I wish', 'I would like' or 'I hope'. For example:

•'I wish I was happier but things have been tough recently – I'm sure they'll pick up soon though.'

•'I would like my wife to lose weight, because she will feel better about herself. I'll start cooking us healthy meals so we can both lose a few pounds.'

•'I wish life was easier, but I guess everyone has their ups and downs. If I keep working hard I'm sure everything will slowly improve.'

Do you get the difference? Replacing the demanding word lowers the emotional temperature and stops you stressing yourself out, ramping up the anxiety or lowering your mood.

If you would like to know more about the power of language, read this article.

Best wishes,

Dan

Tags: Anger management, Anxiety, CBT, Chronic worrying, Psychotherapy, Stress management