Can't let go? Meditation will help

If we have lost someone we really loved, it can be incredibly hard to move on. Even years later, some part of us still hankers after that lost love, airbrushing out all the bad times and yearning for the good. If we think of the end of any significant relationship as a loss, which can have as profound an effect on us as a bereavement, it's not hard to see why. And the standard advice ('Just forget him/her. It's time to let go and move on!') can be as helpful as telling someone with depression to cheer up a bit – if only it were that simple.

But these losses – heartbreak, bereavement, divorce – are a part of life, so learning to deal with them gracefully is fundamental to our mental and emotional wellbeing. And if we cannot do so, we may find ourselves stuck: unable to truly love again, stuck in a limbo of our own creation.

'The process of generating strong feelings of empathy, compassion and love towards others has its own purifying effect on the mind.'

Jon Kabat-Zinn

There are many ways to tackle this, but I think the most helpful I've come across is also the oldest – the Buddhist 'loving-kindness and forgiveness' meditation described in Jon Kabat-Zinn's book, Full Catastrophe Living: How to Cope With Stress, Pain and Illness Using Mindfulness Meditation. I've adapted it slightly here but it's still basically the same idea:

1. Start by getting comfortable, closing your eyes and focusing on your breathing (for a beginner's guide to meditation, read this guide to mindfulness).

2. Then consciously evoke feelings of love and kindness towards yourself, using whatever words fit for you, but thinking something like, 'May I be filled with kindness and compassion towards myself.' If you find it hard to feel much compassion towards yourself this may be challenging at first – but don't give up. The very act of attempting to do this activates the compassionate part of your brain, which is deeply healing.

3. Now imagine someone else you care about, like a best friend, child or parent. Send love and compassion to them, again using whatever words fit for you.

4. Now the hard part. Bring your ex to mind and send love and compassion to them too, adding an element of forgiveness. Think something like, 'I forgive you and let you go.' Again, this may not come easy at first, so just do what you can. It gets easier with time.

5. Finally, return to your breath and the sensations of your body, before opening your eyes.