Silence your inner critic

What makes you unhappy? Why do you get angry, stressed, anxious or depressed? Why do you struggle with a lack of confidence or self-belief? And why do you feel dissatisfied and convinced that there must be more to life than this, if you only knew how to achieve it? The answers to these questions are as unique and multi-layered as humanity – I cannot know you, the wounds you may carry from childhood, or the ways in which your family shaped you, both good and bad. And I wouldn't presume to know, without spending time with you and hearing your story.

But the more time I spend helping people with some form of unhappiness, the clearer it becomes that a harsh, unkind inner voice lies at the root of many of my clients' problems. This 'inner critic' is often so powerful that people cannot distinguish its voice from their own. But the human mind is exquisitely complex. We are not just James or Jane, but many people: we are parents, siblings, colleagues, bosses, lovers, friends, sons and daughters. We are both our adult selves – reasonably strong, capable and with a logical world view – and our child selves. These younger versions of us are often vulnerable, dominated by powerful emotional needs and demands, with no sense of fairness or logic. When we lash out with rage or are broken-hearted and bereft, we have regressed into these younger parts of us, until we can 'grow ourselves back up', as anger guru John Lee puts it.

And one part of ourselves, which often speaks louder than the others, is our inner critic. Depending on our upbringing, the way our parents behaved with and spoke to us, and the beliefs we now hold about ourselves and the world, this critic may be mild and persuasive, like a kindly teacher. Or it might be vicious, an inner bully that taunts and rages at us every time we fail, focusing relentlessly on our weaknesses and belittling our strengths and achievements. I always tell my clients to imagine someone standing next to them, barking abuse in their ear every waking minute of every day. How might that make you feel? Depressed, perhaps, because you're clearly a terrible person with no redeeming qualities at all? Or anxious, because you live in constant fear of getting it wrong?

And one of the most corrosive aspects of this self-bullying is the profound feeling of shame when the voice unearths yet another mistake, or judges us for saying or doing the wrong thing – again! Shame is a horrible emotion. Its only useful purpose is to stop us committing immoral or destructive acts – apart from that, it's unhealthy and unwelcome.

So silencing your inner critic – or at least, turning down the volume on those rants – is vital for good mental health. I strongly recommend Dr David Burns' book, When Panic Attacks: A New Drug-Free Therapy to Beat Chronic Shyness, Anxiety and Phobias. Dr Burns is one of the world's leading cognitive therapists and this book is packed with useful exercises, including some excellent 'shame-attacking' techniques.

And, of course, I'm happy to help you stop that critic from dragging you down or upsetting you all the time. After all, most of us encounter bullies at school or work – why on earth should we bully ourselves too?