Many of us are self-critical, on a spectrum ranging from mild at one end to severe at the other. If we are mildly- self-critical, we might rebuke ourselves if something goes wrong, but not be too upset about it. If that criticism is harsh, we might be extremely sharp, even angry with ourselves – jumping on every mistake we make, however small, and beating ourselves up severely. Most, if not all, of my clients criticise themselves in this way.
One of the many things I love about schema therapy is that it's extremely effective at combatting this inner critic. We even have a name for this 'mode', or side of you – the Punitive Parent. This may simply be the internalised voice of one of your parents, especially if they were consistently harsh or judgemental with you when you were growing up.
Or it may be a way you learned to speak to yourself, perhaps if you felt unloved or flawed as a child, so assumed there must be something wrong with you that needed constant correction. For example, if you have a Defectiveness schema, you may have a frequent nagging sense that you're not good enough or a failure in some way. You might think that other people judge you harshly for these (supposed) defects, so you should judge yourself harshly too – either to make sure you don't repeat a mistake, or to try and pre-empt saying or doing things you will later regret and feel bad about.
Battling the Punitive Parent
When I see people beating themselves up in this way, it always makes me sad. Nobody deserves to feel this bad about themselves – and, in schema therapy terms, the part of you that feels bad is your Vulnerable Child, who feels attacked and victimised by the Punitive Parent's constant belittling and criticism. There is a famous quote attributed to the Buddha. These are not exactly his words (most of the Buddha's 'quotes' we see on Facebook or floating around the Web are modern interpretations of what he actually said) but they carry the gist of what he wrote – and I love the sentiment behind them:
You are worthy of love, kindness, respect. Whatever your flaws, real or imagined. However many things you have done in your life that you regret, or wish had turned out differently. That scared, vulnerable child inside you craves love and affection, not shaming and harsh rebukes. And all of the research shows that talking to yourself in that way is one of the things that makes you vulnerable to depression, chronic stress, problems with anxiety and anger. So it's very important that you learn to battle the Punitive Parent, to get it to shut up and leave you alone.
For many people, this is a central component of our work in schema therapy. You can also explore other avenues to defeat that critical voice, such as compassion-focused therapy (like schema therapy, a proven approach to increasing self-compassion, wellbeing and contentment), learning mindfulness meditation, or exploring Buddhism, which for 2,500 years has been helping people be kinder and more compassionate to themselves. See my Resources page to find out more about these and other routes to better mental health.
And if you would like my help with becoming less self-critical, email firstname.lastname@example.org