Schema therapy

The link between trauma, stress and physical illness

I have long been convinced of the link between traumatic experiences, especially in childhood, and physical ailments such as arthritis, eczema, digestive problems like irritable bowel syndrome and a whole host of other illnesses. So I found Dr Gabor Maté’s book, When the Body Says No: The Cost of Hidden Stress, to be intriguing.

Dr Maté (a physician working in palliative care and later with addiction in Canada) makes a strong, evidence-based case for the ways in which traumatic or stressful experiences in childhood and throughout our lives repeatedly trigger the stress response in our brain, which causes a cascade of hormones such as adrenaline and cortisol, as well as many other changes in the brain and body. This is meant to be an urgent, life-saving response to threats such as predatory animals or aggressive tribes, which were the life-or-death threats humans faced for much of our evolutionary history (which is when our brains were, to a large extent, formed).

But when, say, you have a highly critical parent, putting you down every day throughout your childhood; you suffer abuse or neglect; or are unlucky enough to be raised in a high-conflict family, where the parents are always at each other’s throats, your stress response is being triggered, repeatedly, which the body is not designed to cope with. Sadly, when combined with your particular genetic makeup, this can make you more vulnerable to a whole host of physical illnesses, including the big, scary ones like cancer, dementia or heart disease; and autoimmune conditions like multiple sclerosis (MS) or rheumatoid arthritis.

None of this is your fault

Of course, it’s really important to emphasise that this is not your fault in any way, or that – if you are ill now – you somehow brought this illness upon yourself. Dr Maté goes to great pains to explain that it’s the result of these repeated stressors impacting your growing brain and body, which may cause problems in later life. Nobody chooses to have a harsh, critical parent, or to suffer emotional neglect.

But what it does make crystal-clear to me is that, if you have had a highly stressful childhood, it is so important to get psychological help from someone like me (or any other well-trained therapist practising an effective, evidence-based form of therapy). Because none of this is fixed or irreversible – healing those wounds from childhood, learning to feel and healthily release your emotions, becoming less self-critical, more assertive and kinder/more compassionate to yourself… these are all the magic ingredients which form the medicine that combats the effects of your long-term stress.

If you would like to know more about how schema therapy can heal the wounds of a stressful childhood, call me on 07766 704210, email dan@danroberts.com or use the contact form to get in touch.

Warm wishes,

Dan

Healthy ways to release your anger

Everybody gets angry – it’s a normal human emotion, like sadness, fear or joy. And there is nothing wrong with anger, despite its bad reputation and the damage it can cause. Like all emotions, the problem is not the anger, but the ways we either try to suppress and swallow it, or let it come spilling out, harming ourselves and those around us.

One of the main lessons I teach my clients in schema therapy is how to feel, express and so release their anger. And that’s not easy, because most of us have a problematic relationship with this most volatile of emotions – we may have grown up in a family where anger was never permitted expression, so we learned that anger was scary and shameful, to be kept inside at all costs. This means we now swallow our anger, which is not good for our health, physical or mental.

Or we might have grown up in a family that expressed anger too freely or even violently, with lots of screaming, breaking things or hitting. So again we are now probably afraid of anger, seeing it as threatening and unsafe, because we associate bad things with it. We may either have learned to hold it in, or followed our family’s example and now explode all over the place (using attack as the best form of defence against other people’s threatening behaviour), raging at other drivers or screaming at our partners/kids. This too is not good.

Healthy anger-release

I only have two rules for anger expression with my clients:

1. When expressing anger, they don’t hurt themselves.

2. When expressing anger, they don’t hurt anyone else.

Bearing these rules in mind, here are two ways to let your anger out safely and healthily (releasing all the energy from your Angry Child mode, which is the part of you that is so furious). First, try writing an angry letter to the person that has hurt or upset you. This may be your boss, partner, friend, colleague – or a person from the past, such as a critical parent. Write it on a blank Word document, allowing yourself to say whatever you need – swear as much as you like, use capitals and exclamation marks. Don’t censor in any way. When you’re done, print the letter and tear it into tiny pieces or burn it, imagining all that hostility and frustration leaving your body as you do. (And remember this letter never gets sent! It’s just for you and to release all that bottled up anger energy).

Second, get a towel and twist it until it’s really tight. Then keep twisting, saying ‘I am so angry with you!’, ‘I am so *!**!** angry with you!’ over and over, twisting the towel util your arms get tired (this should be hard work!). Make sure you stick with ‘I’ statements and the way they have hurt or upset you, rather than just blaming or attacking. You will eventually find that all the anger drains out of your body and you feel tired. And other feelings might bubble up too, like hurt or sadness. Let them be there and have a cry if you need to. This will help you feel better (and be soothing for your Vulnerable Child, which is the part of you that feels all the hurt, pain or fear that lies beneath the anger).

I hope that helps – if you would like to know more about schema therapy, or ways of working with your anger, call me on 07766 704210, email dan@danroberts.com or use the contact form to get in touch.

Warm wishes,

Dan

What is the Detached Protector mode in schema therapy?

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One of the most common 'modes' in schema therapy is the Detached Protector, which tries to protect us by suppressing our painful emotions. When we are in this mode we are very much in our heads, being overly rational and cut off from our feelings. I guess if I were to think of the living embodiment of this mode, it would be Sheldon in The Big Bang Theory – someone who lives completely in his head, who doesn't feel much or understand other people's emotions at all.

So this is a part of us that gets activated when, say, we are upset and fear becoming overwhelmed. Our Detached Protector (unconsciously) kicks in and we change focus from the painful feelings to change the subject, tell a tangential story, or rationalise the way we feel until we're not feeling it any more. Very commonly when my clients are in this mode they will be talking about an upsetting experience without actually feeling that upset in any way.

This part of us almost always develops in childhood, when we may have learned to shut down to cope with overwhelming emotions. A good metaphor for this process is the way a circuit breaker gets triggered when there's a power surge – it shuts the system down so nothing gets damaged. So something in your brain gets triggered and switches off its emotional circuitry, to protect you from unbearably intense emotion that you are too young and undeveloped to deal with (managing big emotions and self-soothing when they are upset is not something that young children are able to do).

We also call this process 'dissociation', which basically means disconnection or detachment from our inner experience or the world around us. The younger you are, the harder it is to regulate your emotions, so if you are scared because someone is hurting or threatening you, the only way to protect yourself is to trigger this circuit breaker in your brain.

From helpful to habitual

This shutting down was both helpful and necessary when you were little, but over time it became a habit and led to an increasing number of problems. For example, imagine that Stephen comes to therapy because his wife is threatening to leave if he doesn't stop going quiet and withdrawn whenever they have a problem in their marriage. When Stephen comes to see me, he tells me he's deeply worried about losing his wife, who he loves very much. But when they have conflict, he just 'clams up' and feels empty and numb inside.

This is Stephen's Detached Protector kicking in – probably because conflict situations were scary or threatening for him as a child, so he learned this self-protective behaviour. In schema therapy, a big part of the work would be helping him learn to feel and express his emotions a bit more – also to communicate with his wife when things got bumpy. These simple changes could make a profound difference to Stephen's day-to-day life and even save his marriage!

It's important to repeat that this part of you is a protector mode – it's not bad or mean in any way. It's just that, like Stephen's experience, what starts out as helpful and even life-saving becomes a hindrance over time. So with Stephen, it would be important to teach him healthier way of managing his feelings – talking about them to me, his wife or a friend; using deep breathing, helpful ways of thinking or mindfulness techniques to feel calmer and more relaxed, even when conflict flared up. Over time, bit by incremental bit, this could be transformative for him – and, if you have a Detached Protector, for you too.

If you would like to know more about schema therapy, call me on 07766 704210, email dan@danroberts.com or use the Contact page to get in touch.

Warm wishes,

Dan

 

 

What is dissociation?

Dissociation is a self-protective mechanism in the brain that we all experience from time to time. It’s what happens when you feel overwhelmed and your brain shuts parts of itself down so you can cope with the situation. For example, when people have a car crash, they often report strange things happening, like time slowing down, floating above the scene of the accident, or not feeling any pain despite being injured. These are symptoms of dissociation, as the brain has shut down a bit to help them deal with the overwhelming and upsetting situation.

Think of dissociation like a circuit breaker being triggered. If there’s an electrical surge, a circuit breaker gets tripped to switch circuits off, so no electrical devices get damaged. That’s what happens in your brain when you dissociate.

If you experienced traumatic events as a child, your brain will have shut down to protect you. This was a healthy, ‘adaptive’ response to overwhelming feelings and sensations that your little self could not handle. But over time, dissociation becomes a habitual response, so your brain shuts down even when you experience much milder feelings, like a little anxiety.

Symptoms of dissociation

Unfortunately, dissociation causes various problems for us – we may feel spacey, empty, numb or weird in some other way (this is called ‘depersonalisation’). We might go blank, or struggle to hear what someone’s saying to us. Some people say everything looks far away, or it’s as if they are looking through a thick glass wall at the world (known as ‘derealisation’). When we dissociate we struggle to concentrate or remember important information. Not helpful if you are in a meeting, or about to take an exam.

You might experience dissociation when your anxiety is high – it’s a common symptom of panic attacks, for example. Or when you feel threatened in some way, your schemas getting triggered by a stressful event or situation that reminds you of something threatening from your past. I recently wrote a post about the ‘Detached Protector’ mode which we work with in schema therapy – this is a dissociative mode.

The good news is that dissociation can be treated – I have helped many people with dissociative problems using schema therapy. If you would like some help with your dissociation, call me on 07766 704210, email dan@danroberts.com or use the Contact form to get in touch.

Warm wishes,

Dan

What is the Detached Self-Soother mode in schema therapy?

One of the key aspects of schema therapy is working with people’s ‘modes’, which are different sides of their personality that may serve a particular purpose for them. Some of these are known as ‘coping modes’, because they help us cope with difficult thoughts and feelings, interpersonal problems, or stressful events or situations. And a common coping mode is the Detached Self-Soother, which helps us detach from our painful feelings or cope with a tough situation using a substance or behaviour that is numbing or soothing.

In the UK, our go-to strategy for self-soothing is with alcohol. And, of course, the odd beer or glass of wine with dinner is not a problem at all – I like a nice glass of red myself. It’s just when that glass turns into a bottle, or the occasional pint with friends becomes four or five pints, then a daily habit, or in the worst case we find ourselves sliding into addiction.

We can also use behaviours or activities to self-soothe, such as spending hours on Facebook or Instagram; compulsively shopping; gambling; computer games; or endlessly surfing the Web or slumping in front of the TV. Again, none of these activities are bad per se – it’s all about how much we do them and why.

Escaping painful feelings

When we detach with this mode, one of the main problems is that we are avoiding our feelings – and in schema therapy we see that as ignoring/silencing our Vulnerable Child mode. This psychologically young, vulnerable part of us needs attending to, not ignoring. For example, if you feel sad or lonely because you don’t have a partner, it’s important to acknowledge the loneliness of your Vulnerable Child and help him/her feel better by trying to meet someone you can connect to. Or if you feel really anxious about leaving the house, because you’re agoraphobic, it’s helpful to listen to and try to soothe/reassure your Vulnerable Child, then seek professional help if you need it to overcome your problem.

In neither case would it be helpful to compulsively avoid or ignore your feelings, numbing yourself with alcohol or distracting yourself with a Facebook binge. It’s important to remember that you don’t need to feel bad or guilty for self-soothing in this way. We all have to find ways of coping with painful feelings – and many of us do so using some form of this mode. At the same time, just because we have done something habitually for a long time doesn’t make it a good idea, or mean we can’t seek to change.

If you would like help with this or any other long-term problem, call me on 07766 704210, email dan@danroberts.com or use the contact form to get in touch.

Warm wishes,

Dan

How schemas distort the way we see the world

I recently watched a report on the Guardian website about ‘flat Earth theory’, on the growing number of people who believe that the Earth is not in fact a sphere, but a flat disc. It’s intriguing and well worth watching, but I think it also tells us a great deal about the way schemas can distort the way we see the world (whatever shape we think it is).

Here is a photograph of the Earth, taken from space by an astronaut on the Apollo 17 mission. I would say that looks very much like a sphere (to be nerdily precise, it’s actually an ‘oblate spheroid’, but that’s still basically a sphere) a view backed by every serious scientist in the world. There is no doubt or debate about this, it’s just a simple scientific fact – as is the way that all large objects in space form spheres because of the shaping and smoothing effect of gravity.

So how do the Flat Earthers manage to ignore the overwhelming evidence against their passionately held position? We could ask the same question about climate-change deniers, or anti-vaxxers – both groups fiercely defend their views despite clear scientific evidence to the contrary.

How schemas work

One way to explain this is to think about schemas and how they affect our thinking. If you have a Defectiveness schema, say, you might strongly believe that you are stupid, even if you do well on your GCSEs, or get a 2:1 in your degree. You may believe you are ugly, even if your partner, friends and family tell you again and again that you are in fact very pretty. That’s because the schema affects the information-processing systems in your brain, distorting the way you think. Schemas affect our memories, belief systems, our imagined view of the future and the way we interpret sensory information such as what we see or hear. When triggered, they distort the way we think about ourselves, our actions, what people say to us and what we read or see on the internet.

So if you have a Flat Earth schema, it tells you that all the supposed scientific evidence is part of a grand conspiracy to fool and control you. It tells you that Newton’s theory of gravity is nonsense, that you should believe spurious theories on YouTube or in your Facebook feed more than genuine, evidence-based facts and information. Sadly, we are currently seeing this sort of thinking more and more, which also explains Trump and the rise of populism around the world.

As a (fairly) rational person and evidence-based practitioner, this worries me deeply, as it is doing great harm to our world – for example, denying climate change at the very moment humanity needs to take drastic action to keep the planet inhabitable for humans and other species. But if you understand the way that schemas work, it’s not surprising that people hold bizarre or impossible-to-prove beliefs. After all, because everyone has schemas everybody does have distorted or unhelpful beliefs, even if we don’t think the Earth is in fact a big, blue Frisbee suspended in space…

If you would like to understand more about schemas and how they might be causing your psychological problems, call me on 07766 704210, email dan@danroberts.com or use the Contact form to get in touch.

Warm wishes,

Dan

How to look after your Vulnerable Child

One of the most important ideas in schema therapy is that we all have different 'modes' – aspects of our personality that get triggered in different situations. For example, many of us have a Demanding Parent mode, which is the part of us that pushes us hard to achieve and be successful. Because this mode pushes us too hard, it can lead to stress, exhaustion or burnout, because our drive to achieve exceeds our internal resources and so we struggle to cope with the relentless demands. 

Another part – the most important one in schema therapy – is the Vulnerable Child mode. We call this Little Dave, or Sue, or Steven, and so on (mine is called Little Dan) and it's the part that holds all of our vulnerability, anxiety, unhappiness, loneliness, feelings of rejection or being bullied, depending on our experiences as a child. For example, if your parents were harshly critical of you throughout your childhood, this part will feel defective and incompetent – as if nothing you ever do is good enough. If one of your parents died or left the family when you were young, your Vulnerable Child will feel abandoned and, as an adult, you will be hypersensitive to being left or rejected by those you love. 

In schema therapy, we work hard to look after this part of you – to help him or her feel protected, safe, cared for. In fact, we try to meet those core needs that were not met when you were a child. So if your parents were flaky or untrustworthy, as your therapist I would work very hard to be a solid, dependable, trustworthy person for you. If one or both of your parents was cold and unloving, I would try to be extra-warm, friendly and kind. In this way (as well as using all of the schema therapy techniques, especially imagery) we would, over time, heal your Vulnerable Child – and help you feel calmer, stronger, more confident and secure. It's quite magical to watch this transformation take place – even with the deepest, most sensitive wounds.

Caring for yourself

Of course, you don't need schema therapy to start this healing process yourself. Learning to be kinder and more compassionate to yourself is a good start – take a course in mindfulness, visit a Buddhist centre near you or check out Dr Kristin Neff's website, where there are many free resources on self-compassion training. Yoga is another great way to heal your mind and body, as is reading one of the many wonderful self-help books available – try Loving-Kindness: The Revolutionary Art of Happiness, by Sharon Salzberg; or Get Your Life Back: The Most Effective Therapies for a Better You, by Fiona Kennedy and David Pearson, for starters. If you are using alcohol, drugs or food to deal with painful emotions, you may need help to tackle your compulsive behaviour. Visit my Resources page to find a whole range of useful organisations working in this area.

It is my strong belief that, whatever has happened to us in our past, it is never too difficult or too late to change. You may not be able to do this on your own – if so, seek help from me, another schema therapist or any psychotherapist sufficiently well trained and competent to tackle deep-rooted problems. Ultimately, healing yourself begins with a decision – that you are worthy of love and happiness; that you do not want to spend the rest of your life suffering because of painful experiences that were not your choice, not your fault in any way. We only have one life, so it's up to all of us to make the most of it, however hard it has been up to now.

If you would like some help, call me on 07766 704210, email dan@danroberts.com or use the contact form to get in touch.

Warm wishes,

Dan 

 

 

Self-Care for the Highly Sensitive Person

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I recently wrote a post about Elaine Aron's wonderful book, The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You. I also admitted that it was a particular eye-opener for me because I realised she is writing about me – I am a highly sensitive person and proud of it. And probably at least 50% of my clients are HSPs too, so this concept has helped me immensely, both personally and professionally.

As a follow-up, here are three of the things I have realised about how we highly sensitive folk need to take care of ourselves day to day:

  • We need time to process. Sometimes, in my downtime between seeing clients, writing up session notes, and all the many other things I do as part of my (wonderful) job as a therapist, I notice that I am compulsively surfing the Web. Having recently given up social media (here's another post about that), I realised that looking at The Guardian's website and depressing myself with the latest scary thing happening in the world, or just reading football-related nonsense, was my new digital addiction. I also realised that it made me feel, well, just bad. HSPs need time to process stuff, because we are so attuned to every detail of what is happening that it's easy to get flooded (what Aron calls being over-aroused). So more mindfulness for me, less scary news and screen time.

  • Slow is (generally) good. Linked to the first point, because being an HSP means that our central nervous system is unusually sensitive (which is neither good nor bad, just a largely genetic trait), we get easily overwhelmed by things. Bright lights, loud noises, strong smells, traffic, too much information, too many strong emotions, big crowds, strangers, public speaking, aggressive or loud people... the list is a long one but will be unique to you – some of these may be triggers for you, some not, but you will definitely have your triggers. Personally, I like to talk and think about things slowly. I am more into deep thinking and powerful, one-to-one conversations than social chit-chat. Slow is good for me, even if I don't always remember that.

  • Alone time helps us recharge. As Elaine Aron points out, not all HSPs are introverts. You can be a highly sensitive extrovert, but common sense says that most HSPs will prefer small groups, close friends or time alone. I am certainly one of those – although I love seeing clients all day, or even teaching large groups, I do find some alone time in the day invaluable. It helps me rest and recharge, as well as giving time for processing everything I have thought, seen and experienced that day (see point one). As with all of these points, it's important to remember that none of this is good or bad, it's just how I and probably most people reading this are wired. Learning to love and accept yourself as you are is a crucial component of schema therapy, so recognise your need to be alone sometimes and carve out that time for yourself.

And if you would like some help, call me on 07766 704210, email dan@danroberts.com or use the Contact form to get in touch.

Warm wishes,

Dan 

 

How to deal with difficult emotions

If you want to understand how we are meant to feel emotions, look at a small child. When kids feel their emotions they really feel them! If they are angry, they will shout and scream and have a tantrum. If they are sad, they will cry. If they're scared, they will run away, or hide behind their mum's legs until the threat has passed. Now, I'm not saying that as adults we should indulge ourselves in tantrums, but neither should we repress or swallow our feelings.

Sadly, as we grow older we tend to stiffen up. We learn that (for men) it's not OK to cry when we are sad, or to tell our friends if we're going through a rough time. Or (for women) that being angry or assertive is unacceptable. We start to feel bad for feeling bad. We learn to hide our feelings, sometimes even from ourselves. Or we use a substance (alcohol/weed/cocaine/food/cigarettes) or an activity (gambling/hours spent on Facebook/gaming/shopping/sex) to numb or avoid uncomfortable feelings like anxiety, sadness, loneliness, anger or hurt. And the message we are giving ourselves is that emotions are somehow bad, wrong or even threatening.

Let's go back to the kids. Watch a child getting angry: they feel the anger, intensely. Then they release it, verbally and physically. Then they seek a trusted person to soothe and comfort them. And then... the anger is gone. They see a butterfly and chase after it, utterly delighted and distracted, with no trace of the anger left in their body or mind. This is how we are supposed to feel, process and seek solace when we experience strong emotion. I have started summing it up for my schema therapy clients with a simple formula:

1. Feel it. If you're sad, be sad. If you are angry, let yourself be angry. It's just an emotion and can't do you any harm – in fact, the only harm we can do is if we try to avoid the emotion (leading to problems like addiction or anxiety disorders such as OCD).

2. Release it. If you are sad, and alone, have a cry. If you're angry, write a (never-to-be-sent) letter to the person you're angry with, then burn or tear it into tiny pieces. Vent the emotion and let it go.

3. Get soothed (by yourself or a trusted person). Just as children need soothing when they are upset, so do adults – we're just not very good at doing it for ourselves or seeking it from those we love and trust.

Learning to detach

One of the unconscious ways we learn to suppress or avoid our feelings is by detaching, which involves a psychological process called 'dissociation'. This is something we all do, to a greater or lesser extent, but will have learned to do a great deal if we suffered trauma, abuse or neglect as a child. Dissociation is an unconscious process in which the brain shuts down to protect us from overwhelming stress. It's a bit like a fuse blowing on a circuit board when there is a power surge, to stop electrical devices getting fried.

If we dissociate a lot as a child, it becomes an automatic process that we over-use, shutting down when we feel any kind of difficult emotion. This leads to us developing a 'mode' called the Detached Protector – one of the most common modes in my clients. We may feel numb, empty or spacey when this mode is triggered. We might also feel disconnected from other people, even experiencing strange sensations such as feeling far away, seeing the other person as very small, or feeling like there is a glass wall between us and the world. These are all common symptoms of dissociation.

None of this is bad or wrong – it's just what we learn to do to protect ourselves from overwhelming pain or stress. Part of my job is helping people unlearn this unhelpful coping strategy, feel their emotions as described above, and learn to build up their 'emotional muscles', so they feel stronger, more resilient, and can live a rich and fulfilling life. After all, emotions – the full range, both those we like and the ones we would rather not feel – are what make us human.

If you would like some help with your uncomfortable emotions, call me on 07766 704210, email dan@danroberts.com or use the contact form to get in touch.

Warm wishes,

Dan

 

How to deal with suicidal thoughts

If you are having suicidal thoughts, you are not alone. Sadly, thinking about harming yourself is extremely common. And tragically, many people in the UK and around the world take that one step further and either attempt to hurt themselves or succeed in taking their life. In the UK, suicide is the leading cause of death among men under 50 – more than heart disease, cancer or road accidents.

But it doesn't have to be this way. I have worked with hundreds of people who had thoughts of harming themselves – and helped them see that suicide is not the answer. It is devastating for those left behind. It might seem like the only solution, but it never is. And suicidal thoughts come and go, so if we can help people through the worst – often quite short – period of time, those thoughts and impulses will naturally recede.  

Helping with depression

One of the most important messages I give people is that thoughts of suicide are completely natural, especially when we are feeling depressed. That's because our thinking becomes very negative and it's hard to see anything good in life, or to believe that things will ever get better. Depression is also really tough to deal with day to day, so ending your life seems like a way to stop the pain. But we can now treat depression extremely effectively with CBT, so once your mood lifts you will no longer feel that way. 

It's heartbreaking for me every time I hear of someone taking their own life, because I always think, It didn't have to be that way. Someone could have helped them and they would still be here today.

Mental-health professionals know that some psychological problems bring greater risk than others. These include depression, alcohol abuse, anorexia, psychosis and schizophrenia, bipolar disorder and 'personality disorders' like Borderline Personality Disorder. So if you or someone you love is suffering from one of these problems, please do keep an eye on them. Reach out to them often and ask how they are. Also be straight and say, 'I'm worried about you, are you thinking of killing yourself?' Just asking that question could help save their life, because if the answer is yes you should contact their GP or one of the numbers below.

If you are reading this and thinking of hurting yourself, please don't. Tell someone, even if it seems like the hardest thing in the world. I promise you that help is available – and that, a year from now, you will look back and feel the deepest gratitude that you kept yourself safe and can still enjoy all of the wonderful things life has to offer.

Warm wishes,

Dan

If you are thinking of taking your own life, or know someone who might be, please call one of the numbers below:

The Samaritans – available 24 hours a day, 365 days a year on 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.org

Childline – for children and young people under 19. Call 0800 1111 – the number won't show up on your phone bill

The Silver Line – for older people. Call 0800 4 70 80 90

SANE provides confidential support for people with mental-health problems, every day of the year from 4.30pm to 10.30pm on 0300 304 7000

Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM) – for men. Call 0800 58 58 58 – 5pm to midnight every day

Papyrus – for people under 35. Call 0800 068 41 41 – Monday to Friday 10am to 10pm, weekends 2pm to 10pm, bank holidays 2pm to 5pm. Text 07786 209697 or email pat@papyrus-uk.org

 

 

Why humans need connection

Humans are born wired for connection – it's in our DNA, as strong a need as food, water and warmth. And if you look at a newborn baby, that makes sense. Unless babies successfully attach to their mother, they won't be able to survive – human infants are born completely helpless, so we are entirely reliant on our caregivers. A loving, secure relationship is literally a matter of life and death for babies.

So in our brains is an 'attachment system', which gives us a magnetic attraction to others – (usually) first mum, then dad, siblings, grandparents, aunts and uncles, school friends, teachers, adult friends, colleagues, mentors and later romantic partners and our own family, when the whole cycle starts over again. Jeffrey Young, the founder of schema therapy, understood this need for attachment – that's why it is one of the core developmental needs he identified in all children (along with the need for safety and protection; to be able to express our feelings and emotions; spontaneity and play; and boundaries/being taught right from wrong).

Another psychotherapy pioneer to understand this fundamental need was psychoanalyst John Bowlby, often called the 'father' of attachment theory. Bowlby realised that all children (and adults) need a secure attachment to their caregivers, especially mum. If we are lucky enough to develop this secure attachment in infancy, this 'attachment style' will remain constant throughout our lifetime and help us form strong, stable, loving relationships with friends, romantic partners and then our own children.

Strengthening your connections

Most of the people I see for schema therapy were not so lucky. For various reasons, their attachments were not secure as children, so they have all sorts of problems in relationships now. Perhaps they struggle to commit, or dive in too quickly and deeply (especially if they are a Highly Sensitive Person - read about them here). They may avoid relationships altogether, because they are just too painful. But, as I always tell my clients, although these patterns are firmly established in our brains, they are not set or fixed in any way. Our brains are always changing, throughout our lifetime (because of neuroplasticity). This remarkable discovery means that we can learn to attach more securely and so learn to love, to trust, to allow others into our lives.

This is one of the most moving and beautiful aspects of therapy – seeing people learn to deepen and strengthen their connections, first with me, then family, friends and later a romantic partner, even if this seems like an Everest-sized obstacle at the beginning of our work! However daunting it seems, remember that you are never too old and it is never too late to let love blossom. We are born ready to love – it's just the painful experiences we have when young that throw us off the path toward fulfilling relationships. All you have to do – with help, guidance and support – is step back on to the path... 

If you would like some help with strengthening your connections, call me on 07766 704210, email dan@danroberts.com or visit my Contact page to get in touch.

Warm wishes,

Dan

Are you a Highly Sensitive Person?

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I have been reading a self-help book recently by Elaine N Aron – an American clinical psychologist who has spent her career researching, writing about and providing therapy to Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs). Aron discovered this group and set about testing her theory that some people are more sensitive than most – she believes HSPs make up about 20 per cent of the population. Her book, The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You, is written for HSPs like herself, as she is an unusually sensitive individual too. 

I must admit that this book has had a huge impact on me. Not only does it describe at least 90 per cent of the people I work with, but it also describes me with eye-opening accuracy. HSPs, according to Aron, have an unusually sensitive nervous system. This means that they pick up on far more of the information in their environments than less-sensitive people. They are affected by bright lights, loud noises, crowds and strong smells. If there is tension in a room, they will pick it up and find it uncomfortable. They will intuit which people in a group are friends and who dislikes each other. They are like tuning forks for subtle interpersonal vibes.

Aron is quick to point out that being an HSP does not make us superior to our less-sensitive friends, family members or colleagues. This sensitivity is a trait – largely genetic but also affected by our life experiences – that is neutral. In some ways, it is a real advantage – I always tell my clients that I could not be a schema therapist without a high level of sensitivity. Being this sensitive makes me, and all other HSPs, more thoughtful, empathic, attuned to other people and their needs, as well as a whole host of other good things.

Sensitivity is no bad thing

But perhaps the most important point that Aron makes – and one I really want you to take on board – is that being sensitive is in no way a bad thing. I don't know about you, but all my life people have told me I should be less sensitive. 'It's just a joke – stop taking things so seriously!' Or, 'Why do you always make such a big deal about things? Just man up and toughen up, for God's sake.' Don't be so shy/introverted; be the life and soul, speak louder, be more of a 'character'. 

For men especially, sensitivity is often seen as a weakness, or something to be ashamed of. Many HSPs get bullied at school, for precisely this reason. And extra-sensitive women are often told they are crazy, or over-emotional, because they feel things deeply and cannot just lighten up, or get a grip, or let it go. So if this describes you, please understand that there is nothing wrong with you – and certainly nothing to be ashamed of. You are just genetically, temperamentally, a bit different from most other people. This probably means that you have been very much affected by difficulties in your childhood, or family of origin.

You may have an anxiety disorder, or get depressed. You may even have personality problems, or struggle with addiction. All of these things need help, from a professional like me or one of my colleagues, who are trained to help sensitive people (and less-sensitive ones, of course) become happier and healthier. I would also strongly recommend reading this book. And if it describes you, give it to your partner, friends and family, so they can better understand you and why you behave as you do.

If you would like some help, call me on 07766 704210, email dan@danroberts.com or use the contact form to get in touch.

Warm wishes,

Dan

 

 

 

What is the Healthy Adult mode in schema therapy?

One of the key ideas in schema therapy is that we all have different 'modes', or parts of our personality, which are more or less helpful for us in our lives. One of the most important of these modes is the Healthy Adult, which is the part of you that does all the important day-to-day stuff like going to work, being a caring parent and partner, paying the bills, going to the gym, not drinking too much, and so on. 

So the Healthy Adult does all the important, healthy stuff that you often take for granted, but without which life would quickly grind to a halt. This part is also very protective, again in terms of the outside world, being assertive when you need to stand up to an aggressive boss, say, or dealing with the teenage neighbour who loves blasting their favourite house music at 2am.

Silencing your inner critic

The Healthy Adult also protects you from yourself. In schema therapy, we also work with two 'maladaptive parent' modes, the Demanding Parent and Punitive Parent. The first drives you way too hard, often leading to stress or burnout – nothing is ever good enough. And the second is your inner critic, telling you that you are stupid, or fat, or useless. Both modes need to be disempowered, told to shut up and leave you alone. It's the Healthy Adult's job to do that. 

Finally, and perhaps most importantly, the Healthy Adult looks after the most vulnerable, wounded part of you, the Vulnerable Child. This part holds a lot of your most difficult schemas, so is the mode that is triggered when you feel anxious, upset, threatened or ashamed. All of our work in schema therapy is about healing this part of you, at first with my help but later through your Healthy Adult.

Working together, we will build this healthy, protective part of you like an inner muscle, until it is strong enough to calm you down when you're upset, or help you through a challenging job interview or parent's evening at school. You will feel yourself getting stronger and stronger; making increasingly healthy choices in your life; letting go of self-soothing strategies like excessive drinking or spending... And you will find yourself becoming more like the person you always wanted to be, but never knew how.

If you would like to find out more about how schema therapy can help you, call me on 07766 704210 or email dan@danroberts.com

Warm wishes,

Dan

 

Are you an orchid or a dandelion?

One of the key ideas I always share with my clients is that we all have a certain temperament, which we are born with and which has a profound impact on the way that life experiences, good or bad, affect us. Many of my clients have a sensitive, emotional temperament, which means that they are much more affected by problems in the family than someone with a robust, more intellectual temperament. It's important to emphasise that having a certain kind of temperament is neither good nor bad – it's just like being born with brown or blonde hair, blue or green eyes, not your choice or fault in any way but simply how you arrived on this planet.

I also tell my clients that I have a sensitive, emotional temperament too. This can make life difficult at times, as I am affected deeply by negative experiences and my childhood was pretty bumpy, to say the least. But it also bestows on me particular talents and gifts – I could not be a therapist without this kind of temperament. After all, you wouldn't want a therapist who was insensitive, unempathic or unkind! 

Dandelion children

Psychologists have, in recent years, been investigating the theory that we are all either orchids or dandelions. This is based on the Swedish idea that 'dandelion children' are pretty robust and do well in any environment, even if the parenting and family dynamic are less than perfect. US psychologists Bruce Ellis and W. Thomas Boyce extended this idea to include 'orchid children', who were especially sensitive and so needed just the right conditions to thrive. In practice, that means loving, nurturing parents; a relatively calm and stable family environment; and no traumatic experiences during childhood.

If orchids have a difficult family dynamic, they will struggle – developing a number of schemas which will affect them throughout their life and very likely experience depression or anxiety, among other problems, when these schemas are triggered by stressful events. But, if these sensitive children are well-nurtured, they will bloom into beautiful young people and later adults – just like the orchids above.

If you are a dandelion, you may not need my help. But if you're an orchid whose childhood was not what you needed, life may be a struggle. If you would like some help, call me on 07766 704210 or email dan@danroberts.com

Warm wishes,

Dan

 

Schema therapy or CBT – which is right for you?

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If you are struggling with psychological problems, you may be thinking about having some therapy – but which kind of therapy should you choose? I am trained in both cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT) and schema therapy – two of the most effective forms of 'talking therapy' currently available – and provide schema therapy at my North London practice. Here is a guide to which therapy is the best fit for different kinds of problems...

CBT is widely recognised to be the most effective, evidence-based form of therapy ever created. Founded by Dr Aaron Beck in the 1960s (originally as just 'cognitive therapy' – the B was added later on), CBT has been proven to be effective at treating depression, anxiety disorders such as OCD or health anxiety, panic attacks and agoraphobia, eating disorders, anger management problems, addiction... the list goes on.

If your problem is relatively short-term (for example, one episode of depression rather than many); if you are functioning fairly well in most aspects of your life, but struggling with a specific problem like anxiety or depression; if you would prefer a short-term treatment; and if, perhaps, you have had CBT before and found it helpful, or have been recommended CBT by your GP or another medical professional, then CBT is probably the right choice for you. It is always possible to have CBT to reduce upsetting symptoms, such as panic attacks, and then move on to schema therapy afterwards to address more deep-rooted problems.

When schema therapy is the best option

In general, it's best to opt for schema therapy (ST) if your problems are longstanding – for example, if you have been struggling with recurrent episodes of depression for much of your life. Problems related to a difficult childhood, to extremely critical parents, say, or if you experienced abuse, neglect or traumatic incidents as a child, are best treated with schema therapy. CBT will be helpful up to a point, but schema therapy is designed to heal painful/unhelpful ways of thinking, feeling and behaving at a deep level – otherwise you may find problems coming back after therapy when you experience a period of stress, say, or a relationship breakup.

Schema therapy was developed by Dr Jeffrey Young in the 1990s to treat people with personality problems – especially Borderline Personality Disorder, which can have a profound effect on someone's life and was poorly treated before approaches like schema therapy and dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT) came along. Because it's intended to help with deep-rooted problems, schema therapy is a slower, longer-term approach than CBT. Generally, I tell my clients that 20 sessions are the minimum – and therapy can last for a year or more for really hard-to-treat problems. It's important to note that schema therapy is not just for personality problems – it is now used to treat all of the difficulties people seek therapy for.

In terms of how it feels to have ST versus CBT,  I would say that schema therapy is a warmer, more compassionate, more nurturing approach than CBT. It's much more focused on the relationship between therapist and client, rather than specific techniques to change thinking or behaviour, which form the bulk of treatment in CBT. But of course because schema therapy is just a newer form of cognitive therapy, all of the CBT techniques are still available, if I think they will be helpful for you.

I hope that helps – but if you would like to know more about which form of therapy might be best for you, call me on 07766 704210 or email dan@danroberts.com

Warm wishes,

Dan 

 

Learning to love yourself

Derek Walcott

Derek Walcott

I was reminded of this Derek Walcott poem at a recent talk by Jon Kabat-Zinn, founder of the Western mindfulness movement (and one of my heroes). It seems to embody not just a self-compassionate, mindful attitude, but also the key idea in schema therapy – that to heal our past hurts we must learn to love ourselves, even if we have long held negative, self-limiting/critical beliefs.

Also, it's a beautiful poem – I hope you enjoy it...

Love After Love
The time will come when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,
and say, sit here. Eat. 

You will love again the stranger who was yourself.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you
all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart. 

Take down the love letters from the bookshelf, 
the photographs, the desperate notes, 
peel your own image from the mirror. 
Sit. Feast on your life.

Best wishes,

Dan

How to combat your inner critic

Many of us are self-critical, on a spectrum ranging from mild at one end to severe at the other. If we are mildly- self-critical, we might rebuke ourselves if something goes wrong, but not be too upset about it. If that criticism is harsh, we might be extremely sharp, even angry with ourselves – jumping on every mistake we make, however small, and beating ourselves up severely. Most, if not all, of my clients criticise themselves in this way.

One of the many things I love about schema therapy is that it's extremely effective at combatting this inner critic. We even have a name for this 'mode', or side of you – the Punitive Parent. This may simply be the internalised voice of one of your parents, especially if they were consistently harsh or judgemental with you when you were growing up.

Or it may be a way you learned to speak to yourself, perhaps if you felt unloved or flawed as a child, so assumed there must be something wrong with you that needed constant correction. For example, if you have a Defectiveness schema, you may have a frequent nagging sense that you're not good enough or a failure in some way. You might think that other people judge you harshly for these (supposed) defects, so you should judge yourself harshly too – either to make sure you don't repeat a mistake, or to try and pre-empt saying or doing things you will later regret and feel bad about. 

Battling the Punitive Parent

When I see people beating themselves up in this way, it always makes me sad. Nobody deserves to feel this bad about themselves – and, in schema therapy terms, the part of you that feels bad is your Vulnerable Child, who feels attacked and victimised by the Punitive Parent's constant belittling and criticism. There is a famous quote attributed to the Buddha. These are not exactly his words (most of the Buddha's 'quotes' we see on Facebook or floating around the Web are modern interpretations of what he actually said) but they carry the gist of what he wrote – and I love the sentiment behind them:

You, as much as anyone in the universe, deserve your love and respect.
— Buddha

You are worthy of love, kindness, respect. Whatever your flaws, real or imagined. However many things you have done in your life that you regret, or wish had turned out differently. That scared, vulnerable child inside you craves love and affection, not shaming and harsh rebukes. And all of the research shows that talking to yourself in that way is one of the things that makes you vulnerable to depression, chronic stress, problems with anxiety and anger. So it's very important that you learn to battle the Punitive Parent, to get it to shut up and leave you alone.

For many people, this is a central component of our work in schema therapy. You can also explore other avenues to defeat that critical voice, such as compassion-focused therapy (like schema therapy, a proven approach to increasing self-compassion, wellbeing and contentment), learning mindfulness meditation, or exploring Buddhism, which for 2,500 years has been helping people be kinder and more compassionate to themselves. See my Resources page to find out more about these and other routes to better mental health.

And if you would like my help with becoming less self-critical, email dan@danroberts.com

Warm wishes,

Dan

Do you have trouble managing your anger?

Anger is a tricky emotion. In pure evolutionary terms, anger is our signal to fight a threat, as part of the fight, flight or freeze response (anxiety is the emotion that tells us to freeze or flee). This is all well and good if you are facing a hungry lion, but not so helpful if your boss has just criticised you, or another driver cuts you off in traffic. But this primitive, self-protective threat response explains why we can react so strongly, violently even, if we feel threatened – in a very crude way, that's what anger is for.

Most of my clients have some kind of problem with anger, roughly falling into two camps. The first group is scared of or uncomfortable with anger – theirs and other people's. If this describes you, it may be because one of your parents was given to angry outbursts, which as a child were very frightening. That vulnerable child inside you learns to be scared of anger, even when you are – on the outside at least – now an adult. It's also possible that your family were rather buttoned-up, viewing any expression of anger as rude and uncivilised (a very British way to deal with anger!), so you learned to keep your angry feelings stuffed deep down inside you. As an adult, it's now hard to access and express them, even when it's appropriate to do so.

The other problematic form of anger is expressing it too often and too volcanically. This is the cause of domestic violence, bar brawls, violent crime, road/air/trolley rage and aggressive bullying. It's just as harmful as repressed anger, both to those around you and ultimately yourself – you will probably end up in serious trouble, perhaps even prison, if you cannot contain your anger and explode at the smallest provocation. People with this 'anger style' may come from very angry, combustible families in which everyone was always shouting at/being aggressive to each other. They may also have been hurt, neglected or abused as children, so that child inside is absolutely furious at the world and can't help but express it, even when it's dangerous or destructive to do so.

The angry modes

In schema therapy, when people are expressing anger in a problematic way, we see this showing up as one of three angry modes. If you find yourself blowing up all the time, perhaps shouting or swearing at other people, being threatening or even physically violent, you are in Bully/Attack mode. This is the most problematic angry mode, so a major part of your therapy would involve learning how to respond to triggering situations in a calmer, more rational manner. Anger-management strategies can be helpful here, as well as longer-term healing of schemas such as Abandonment, Mistrust/Abuse or Vulnerability that can trigger this attack-is-the-best-form-of-defence style of responding to threats or challenges.

The second mode, Angry Protector, is less destructive but still problematic. This is when you express anger in more subtle ways, perhaps non-verbally by scowling or with a closed-off body posture; with sarcasm or cutting humour; angrily complaining about or being harshly critical of other people. This mode is all about keeping a distance between yourself and others, perhaps because deep down your vulnerable child is scared of attack or rejection. You may also be uncomfortable with any kind of criticism or challenge, so respond with subtle but unmistakeable shows of anger to shut that down.

Anybody can become angry – that is easy. But to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way – that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.
— Aristotle

The third mode is the most helpful, even if it doesn't at first appear that way! This is the Angry Child mode, and is evident in the way a person expresses their anger – often disproportionately to the perceived insult or infraction. You may have a tantrum, smashing or throwing objects (not to hurt others, just to release your anger). You might also get very tearful or upset. And beneath the anger is always hurt, fear or sadness, so if we were working together I would help you express your anger in a non-attacking, non-destructive way, so we could contact and soothe the hurt, upset or fearful vulnerable child lying just beneath the angry surface. 

When we get people into Angry Child mode, teach them how to express their anger verbally or by doing something safe but physical, like twisting a towel or punching a cushion, they experience a tremendous sense of relief – all the anger literally drains out of their bodies. It can then be deeply healing and soothing to deal with the hurt that lies beneath – over time, your anger subsides as you feel happier, safer, stronger and calmer.

If you have a problem with anger and would like my help, email dan@danroberts.com

Warm wishes,

Dan

 

Do you struggle with romantic relationships?

Many people have difficulties with relationships, for all sorts of reasons. Finding a suitable person to be with and then maintaining a reasonably happy, stable relationship is not easy, for any of us. But if you avoid romantic relationships altogether; if you find yourself repeating the same pattern over and over again in every relationship you have; or if you are in a long-term relationship but feel consistently unhappy, perhaps feeling disproportionately angry with or jealous of your partner, it's possible that unhelpful schemas are the root of your problems. As I explain in this article about schemas, they are unconscious, deeply-rooted ways of thinking and feeling that get triggered by certain situations – and romantic relationships are among the most common triggers.

If you avoid relationships, perhaps for fear of getting hurt or rejected, you may have an Abandonment schema. This is often linked to the death of a parent, or a significant member of the family leaving in a sudden and upsetting way. The love and care you received as a child may also have been unstable and unpredictable, perhaps because one of your parents had mental-health problems, or was just not cut out to for the complex business of parenting. So avoiding relationships altogether is one way to make sure that this painful schema never gets triggered – sadly though, that means your life will be lonely and unfulfilling (if you actually want a relationship, which most of us do), so this is clearly not the most helpful strategy. 

Watch out for schema chemistry

If you find yourself playing out similar patterns in relationships again and again, or perhaps choosing a certain type of man or woman in one relationship after the next, 'schema chemistry' may be to blame. This describes the unconscious, schema-driven forces that make a certain kind of person irresistibly attractive. When you feel very strong physical chemistry with someone, as if you can't get enough of them and feel like they are perfect for you in every way, tread with caution. It may just be healthy sexual attraction, of course, in which case there is nothing to worry about. But if you have a history of falling in love with unsuitable people, that lightning bolt of chemistry – though exciting and seductive – is not to be trusted.

If you are in a relationship but it's not a happy one, again that is not unusual – long-term relationships are hard work, requiring commitment, sacrifices and a huge amount of love and patience on both sides. But if you have the same kind of argument over and over – volcanically losing your temper about fairly minor domestic incidents, becoming very anxious or consumed with jealousy every time your partner speaks to a member of the opposite sex – then your schemas may be to blame again.

The good news is that the schemas which cause all of these problems can be healed. Although that's not easy, it's far from impossible. There are now a number of therapeutic approaches designed to help people with these deep-rooted, life-disturbing problems, such as schema therapy or compassion-focused therapy. When I am working with people who have these kinds of problems, one of our long-term goals is for them to find a happy, healthy, stable relationship – after all, what is life for but to love and be loved? And a healthy relationship as an adult is one of the best ways to heal the wounds of childhood, so a little work in this area goes a long way.  

If you would like some help from me in finding and maintaining a healthy relationship, email dan@danroberts.com

Warm wishes,

Dan 

 

 

Why is your 'attachment style' so important?

Humans, like all mammals, are hard-wired to attach to their parents from the moment they are born. When you are a tiny baby, the first person you usually attach to is your mother, followed by your father, grandparents, siblings, aunts and uncles, friends, teachers, colleagues, romantic partners, and so on, throughout your life. This 'attachment system' in your brain is very powerful, because when you are small and helpless it is literally a matter of life and death whether your parents – usually starting with your mother – love, feed and keep you safe. So attaching to them is absolutely vital.

The first person to really understand this was John Bowlby, a psychoanalyst who argued that all babies have this attachment system and, depending on their relationship with their mother, form either a secure on insecure attachment. A secure attachment means your mother has looked after you well enough, given you lots of love and hugs, changed you when you were wet, fed you when you were hungry, made plenty of eye contact, sung to you – and all the other things babies need to feel safe and secure.

Attachment and relationships

If your attachment was insecure, your mother – for all sorts of reasons, often because her own attachment with her mother was not secure – couldn't meet your needs as a baby, so you didn't feel 100% loved by or safe with her. One of Bowlby's  groundbreaking ideas was that the kind of attachment style you developed as a baby would stay with you into adult life. Why is this so important? Because people with an insecure attachment will struggle to form strong, lasting, happy relationships with friends, colleagues and especially romantic partners.

In schema therapy terms, these people may have an Abandonment schema, so constantly worry about being left or rejected by their partner. Understandably, this causes all sorts of problems and makes it very hard to have a stable, happy relationship with anyone. The good news is that, as Bowlby and later attachment researchers found, you can learn to have stronger attachments – and therefore better relationships – throughout your life. Schema therapy is one of the approaches that is very good at making these changes. If you do have an Abandonment schema, for example, we would work together on healing it so you felt happier, more confident, more trusting and relaxed in relationships.

As I always tell my clients, however difficult things were in your childhood, and however much you are still affected by those experiences as an adult, it's never too late to change. Heal your schemas and you heal the most painful and vulnerable parts of you – this really can be life-changing, as I have seen time after time with the people I work with.

If you would like to find out more about schema therapy, email dan@danroberts.com

Warm wishes,

Dan