This Valentine's Day, Why Not Learn to Love Yourself

Image by Amy Shamblen

Full disclosure: I’m not the biggest fan of Valentine’s Day. It seems like one of those made-up holidays with the sole intention of extracting every pound from people’s pockets. Flowers are suddenly eye-wateringly expensive, as are restaurants. The pressure is on to buy cards, chocolates and other assorted stuff to show – for one day only! – that you really, really love that special person in your life.

But what if you don’t have a special person? I have been there – and know that this can feel like an especially lonely day if you’re single and don’t want to be. Being bombarded with reminders of what you so badly want but don’t have can be incredibly painful.

So this year, why don’t we create an alternative Valentine’s Day – let’s call it Love Day – and celebrate every form of love, not just the romantic kind. If you are a parent, how about the love you feel for your children, which is unconditional, wonderful, exhausting, miraculous and utterly frazzling, all wrapped up into one small-human-sized package.

If you are a son or daughter, let’s celebrate the love of our parents – however tricky or complicated that may be, these people still gave you life, which is no small thing.

If relations with your family are not good, how about the love of your friends, colleagues, or pet, which can be profound and deeply important for so many cat and dog-lovers (as well as those lucky cats and dogs!).

Learn to love yourself

But most important of all on this Love Day is learning to love the one person who needs it most, but who you may struggle to like, let alone love. And that’s you. Yes, you – the one reading this post. The person you see in the mirror every time you look. The body you inhabit from the second you are born until your last day on Earth, however much you may like or loathe it. The name you own, history that is uniquely yours, future that only you can create.

One thing I notice at the beginning of therapy is that so many of my clients really don’t like themselves much. Their inner Critic is so loud, relentlessly telling them all the ways they have screwed up and are a screw-up. This hypervigilant part of them is laser-focused on every tiny flaw, the smallest mistake, each word/thought/action, constantly scanning for something to jump on and rip the person to shreds.

As we will see in my next webinar – How to Manage Your Inner Critic – this part of you is not actually mean, nasty or destructive, however harsh it may be. It’s trying to help, honest. But its behaviour, the method it uses is anything but helpful, so this part needs managing and help in trying a different, more kind and constructive way to influence your behaviour.

So we need to work with that Critic. And help you learn to be kinder, more compassionate, more accepting of yourself with all your strengths and weaknesses, aspects of yourself you are proud of and those you hate, or are so ashamed of you wish you could chuck them out, like the mouldy food in your fridge.

Not easy, but doable

Now this process is not easy. Not at all. If you have a strong Critic and, I’m guessing, a Defectiveness schema, you may feel unlikable or even unlovable. And like all schemas, this one probably formed when you were very young, because of something in your family environment that wasn’t right – maybe your parents criticised you harshly all the time, or just never told you they were proud of you, never showed their love for you. You might have had a sibling who was smarter, more athletic, prettier or more successful than you, which made you feel less-than and like a failure.

You may have experienced trauma, or some kind of neglect. Any or all of these can lead to the formation of this all-too-common schema, which is at the root of problems like low self-esteem, a lack of confidence, body-image issues, depression, chronic stress/anxiety, Imposter Syndrome and many other common psychological issues.

Healing this schema and these hurt parts of yourself is not simple. There is no quick fix. I see healing, especially from trauma or neglect in childhood, as a lifelong process. It’s a path I have been walking for 30 years now and expect to keep walking for the next 30. But I know, both from personal experience and helping hundreds of people in my clinical work, that it is possible.

Loving your mind and body

So don’t give up hope. Keep reading my blog posts and those of other teachers you resonate with. Listen to inspiring podcasts. Surround yourself with kind and supportive people, who make you feel good about yourself. Let go of friendships that no longer serve you – life is too short to waste it with people who bully you or make you feel small.

Get some good, trauma-informed therapy. Build a daily meditation practice into your life (mindfulness will help, as will self-compassion practices like the ones on my Insight Timer collection). Look after your body, by putting healthier things in it and loving your muscles by starting a yoga practice, joining a gym or a cold-water swimming group near you.

So, happy Love Day! I hope you enjoy it. And, on this day more than most, if you are single and feeling lonely, sending you warm thoughts and a big virtual hug,

Dan

Why Humans Need Connection

Image by Chermiti Mohamed

Humans are born wired for connection – it's in our DNA, as strong a need as food, water and warmth. And if you look at a newborn baby, that makes sense.

Unless babies successfully attach to their mother, they won't be able to survive – human infants are born completely helpless, so we are entirely reliant on our caregivers. A loving, secure relationship is literally a matter of life and death for babies.

So in our brains is an 'attachment system', which gives us a magnetic attraction to others – (usually) first mum, then dad, siblings, grandparents, aunts and uncles, school friends, teachers, adult friends, colleagues, mentors and later romantic partners and our own family, when the whole cycle starts over again.

Jeffrey Young, the founder of schema therapy, understood this need for attachment – that's why it is one of the core developmental needs he identified in all children (along with the need for safety and protection; to be able to express our feelings and emotions; spontaneity and play; and boundaries/being taught right from wrong).

Another psychotherapy pioneer to understand this fundamental need was psychoanalyst John Bowlby, often called the 'father' of attachment theory. Bowlby realised that all children (and adults) need a secure attachment to their caregivers, especially mum. If we are lucky enough to develop this secure attachment in infancy, this 'attachment style' will remain constant throughout our lifetime and help us form strong, stable, loving relationships with friends, romantic partners and then our own children.

Strengthening your connections

Most of the people I see for schema therapy were not so lucky. For various reasons, their attachments were not secure as children, so they have all sorts of problems in relationships now. Perhaps they struggle to commit, or dive in too quickly and deeply (especially if they are a Highly Sensitive Person - read about them here). They may avoid relationships altogether, because they are just too painful.

But, as I always tell my clients, although these patterns are firmly established in our brains, they are not set or fixed in any way. Our brains are always changing, throughout our lifetime (because of neuroplasticity). This remarkable discovery means that we can learn to attach more securely and so learn to love, to trust, to allow others into our lives.

This is one of the most moving and beautiful aspects of therapy – seeing people learn to deepen and strengthen their connections, first with me, then family, friends and later a romantic partner, even if this seems like an Everest-sized obstacle at the beginning of our work! However daunting it seems, remember that you are never too old and it is never too late to let love blossom.

We are born ready to love – it's just the painful experiences we have when young that throw us off the path toward fulfilling relationships. All you have to do – with help, guidance and support – is step back on to the path... 

Warm wishes,

Dan