Do You Struggle with Loneliness? Try Comforting the Lonely Little Part of You
Loneliness is one of the most painful emotions we can feel. At times in my life when I experienced loneliness, it felt like a physical pain in my heart, which was hard to ignore and even harder to soothe. If you often feel this heartache, please know that millions of people around the world struggle with the same problem. Perhaps more than any other issues you might struggle with, it’s crucial to know that you’re not alone with your suffering. We now understand the mental and physical impact of loneliness, including an increased risk of heart disease, stroke and diabetes. In fact, the former US Surgeon General, Vivek Murthy, was so concerned about the number of Americans struggling with chronic loneliness that he declared it an epidemic in 2023.
To understand why loneliness is so painful, we need to understand both our evolutionary past and the way it has shaped our brain. For most of human history we lived in small, hunter-gatherer bands of no more than 150 people. Up until around 10,000 years ago, when the Agricultural Revolution allowed humans to start forming large settlements and tending to their crops, we lived in small villages with the same group of people we would know from birth to death. There just weren’t that many people on the planet at this stage of human history, so we would normally only have interacted with other tribes to fight over scarce resources. Those 150 souls would, pretty much, have been the only people you ever knew.
The idea of living alone would have made no more sense to these hunter-gathering folk than helicopters or iPhones. To be alone on the savannah, in snowy mountains or steamy jungles would have meant a very short, scary existence. These humans were surrounded by large, hungry animals that were determined to have them for lunch. Your only safety would have come from fairly puny weapons and, crucially, your tribe. Being banished for a transgression of the tribe’s rules would have meant certain death.
Brains wired for connection
Humans, like other mammals, have powerful attachment systems in their brains. This means that, from the first seconds after you were born, you instinctively sought out closeness and connection with your mother (or other primary caretaker). Then dad, siblings, grandparents, uncles and aunts and later friends, teachers, partners and your own children. And your mum had an attachment system in her brain, which meant she instinctively sought connection with you. When this works well, we develop a secure attachment style – around half the population are blessed with this way of relating to other humans throughout their lifetime. When it doesn’t go so well, we develop an insecure attachment style – mostly either anxious or avoidant – and so find navigating relationships a painful, confusing business.
Because of these two things – the evolutionary history of living with other humans, and the subsequent shaping of your brain – so much of your neural architecture is devoted to relationships that neuroscientists now speak of a social brain. Meaning, a brain that functions optimally in relation to other brains, not just in isolation in your skull. Taking all of this together, no wonder you, like every other human, find loneliness so painful. On some primal, ancient level, it really does feel like a life-or-death threat – like being alone on the savannah, with the lions and hyenas, 20,000 years ago.
Your lonely little self
Viewed through the lens of a parts-based therapy, like schema therapy or internal family systems, when we feel intense loneliness our heart and mind has been taken over by a young part of us, which is hurting (this is called ‘blending’ in IFS). Just as little kids feel intense separation anxiety, the lonely part of you craves secure attachment – speaking to, connecting with, being soothed by and hugging beloved others. So next time you’re feeling lonely, try connecting with and soothing this scared, developmentally young part of you. Here are some steps that might help:
• In IFS, the first step to unblending from this part is to change your language. Try shifting from ‘I am lonely’ to ‘A part of me is lonely’. It seems so simple, but it’s actually a profound shift. Because now, there is a hurt little part who is struggling and you – wise, compassionate, adult you – who can offer empathy, kindness and internal connection. And this is, of course, what that little part craves. It’s just that the connection is coming from you, rather than another human. This is called ‘Self-to-part connection’ in IFS language
• That’s not to say you don’t need other humans too – I think we all profoundly need both external and internal attachment. It’s just that you, meaning wise, adult, Self you, is available 24/7 as a resource for that lonely little part. They just don’t realise it – thinking the only cure for loneliness is outside, often in a particular person, especially if we are single and yearning for a romantic attachment. Dr Richard Schwartz, founder of IFS, explains this eloquently in his excellent book on relationships, You Are the One You’ve Been Waiting for
• You may also find that my foundational self-compassion practice – which I now call Body, Breath, Touch, Talk – will help with that internal attachment, as well as self-soothing when you’re hurting, as it’s designed to activate your parasympathetic nervous system, get you out of fight-flight and into a calmer, more secure internal state. It will also help you comfort and speak to this lonely little boy or girl inside, especially if that process is unfamiliar for you. You can try it now, for free, by clicking on the button below
I very much hope it helps – and that you find a healing balm for those lonely feelings inside very soon.
Love,
Dan ❤️
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