Are You Kind to Others But Mean to Yourself?

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I’ll bet you’re a kind person. I can say that with some confidence because you are reading this post, written by a psychotherapist, about mental-health issues. That means you either struggle with those issues yourself and/or help others who do. One of the silver linings about struggling in this way is that it means you are probably sensitive (perhaps highly so) and have deep empathy for the suffering of other people, because you know only too well what it’s like to suffer.

I would also wager that you are much kinder to others than you are to yourself. That’s because, again, if you do struggle with your mental health, you may have an especially loud, harsh and hurtful Inner Critic (known as a Punitive Critic in schema therapy) who calls you horrible things like stupid, pathetic, weak – or much worse.

These critical messages may have a different tone, sounding more motivational, pushy and determined (this would be a Demanding Critic, in schema-therapy language). I have one of these. He means well – as most Critics do – but pushes me so hard, all the time: ‘Work more, be a better therapist/person/father/husband/son/friend, write a (bestselling) book, do (brilliant) therapy in every session, supervise expertly, teach impactfully… More! Better! Never enough!’

It’s exhausting. And, despite my best efforts, sometimes these messages do get on top of me and I find myself stressed out and depleted, so have to make a conscious decision to do less, aim for good enough, forget about unrealistic notions of perfection, nourish and treat myself with kindness.

Different flavours of meanness

So, despite being kind, you may be mean to yourself in an obvious, punishing way, or it might be more subtle, with a constant pressure to achieve, succeed, aim for perfection. Either way you will end up feeling stressed, frazzled, under constant pressure. And because this pressure is internal, it operates 24/7, with a drip-drip effect that eventually overwhelms you until you crash, get sick or burn out.

Again, this is not some theoretical, hypothetical thing for me. I totally get it, because it’s a daily struggle not to do too much and try too hard. In fact, it’s this way for most therapists I know. That’s because the three most common therapist schemas are Defectiveness, Unrelenting Standards and Self-Sacrifice. Here’s why that’s a tricky triad:

• Defectiveness is perhaps the most common schema – almost all my clients have this one. It’s the ‘not good enough’ schema that makes you feel defective, unworthy, dislikable, a failure or less-than compared with others. So even if you’re doing well, deep down you feel in your gut that you are no good, an imposter, one mistake away from being found out. None of this is true, by the way – it just feels true because you have been telling yourself this negative, critical story for so long

• Unrelenting Standards often shows up as a compensatory schema for Defectiveness. So if we work super-hard, drive ourselves relentlessly on, make sure everything we do is perfect, then no-one will realise we are actually defective and crap. I see this one a lot in high-achievers, like CEOs, professors, partners at City law firms. People who are, in many ways, highly successful – but it doesn’t feel satisfying or good because they know this success is fragile and, if they make a mistake or have a bad day, it could all fall apart

• Self-Sacrifice is a big one for people in caring professions – teachers, nurses, therapists, counsellors, social workers. It comes from a good place – being kind, thoughtful, empathic and generous – but it’s way too much. If you have this schema, you might give and give, looking after everyone else while your battery drains away to 1%. So you sacrifice your own wants, needs and wellbeing to look after others

Self-compassion is key

What’s the answer to this all-too-common predicament? Well, as I often write in these posts, tell my clients and teach through my Heal Your Trauma project, self-compassion is a crucial skill to learn. It’s the antidote to the hurtful, destructive messages given by these schemas. It’s a way to respond to your Critic, whatever flavour they may be, by telling them you are doing great, thanks; that you and your work are more than good enough; that you don’t have to be perfect to be liked, loved or respected; that you are human, with strengths and weaknesses like everyone else, so you don’t have to get an A on every test life throws at you.

Learning to treat yourself with self-compassion is not easy. But the good news is that, if you are kind and compassionate to others, you have all the tools you need to turn that inward and treat yourself with the love and respect you so deserve.

If you would like to learn more about this topic – and specifically how to treat yourself with greater kindness and compassion – do come to my next webinar, The Healing Power of Self-Compassion, on Saturday 27th May. You can book your place using the button below – I hope to see you there!

Sending you love and warm thoughts,

Dan

Listen to My Latest Guided Meditation: Working with Your Inner Critic

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If you struggle with low self-esteem, anxiety or depression I’m guessing you are highly self-critical. That’s because I see this in my consulting room on a daily basis – and decades of research have proven harsh, negative self-criticism to cause a wide range of psychological problems.

Luckily, trauma-informed therapy models like schema therapy and internal family systems therapy give you a powerful, highly effective way of managing the Inner Critic. This is the part of you that sends you those harsh, hurtful messages – and learning to quieten and transform this part is a key part of any therapy process.

My latest guided meditation for Insight Timer – Working with Your Inner Critic – will help you first get to know this part, then begin a dialogue with it. Learning to identify and speak to your Inner Critic is a crucial step in your healing journey, whatever you may be struggling with.

Like all of my Insight Timer recordings, Working with Your Inner Critic is free, with an optional donation. You can listen to this practice now using the button below:

I hope you find it helpful – you may also want to watch my recent webinar, How to Manage Your Inner Critic. Get exclusive lifetime access for just £10. If you would like to watch this powerful, 90-minute webinar, just click on the button below:

I hope you find this meditation and webinar useful as part of your healing journey.

Sending you love and warm thoughts,

Dan

When (and Why) Do We Learn to be Self-Critical?

Image by Jerry Wang

How self-critical are you? You might be one of those people who mildly admonish themselves when they make a mistake: ‘Oh Jenny, that was a bit foolish, don’t do that again.’ Or – if you are anything like most of the people I see for therapy – your Inner Critic may be super-harsh: ‘James, you’re an idiot! Why do you make the same stupid, pathetic mistakes over and over? You should be ashamed of yourself, you ******* waste of space.’

As you are reading this, and have signed up to a mental-health newsletter, I’m guessing your Critic is up the harsher end of the scale. If so, I’m sorry – that probably makes your life exceedingly difficult, affecting your confidence and self-esteem on a daily basis. Your Critic might jump on every little thing you say and do, looking for tiny errors to beat you up about. Not much fun, right?

But have you ever thought about why your Critic does this? Or when it learned to be that critical voice in your head? Let’s try and answer those questions – and both the why and when might surprise you.

When does the inner critic come online?

As a schema therapist, I have worked with hundreds of Critics. I have tried using techniques drawn from cognitive-behaviour therapy, compassion-focused therapy, schema therapy and internal family systems therapy – all of my therapeutic big guns. That’s because I see the Critic, internally, as the main driver of most psychological problems, from anxiety-related issues like social anxiety and public-speaking anxiety, to depression, eating disorders, problems with anger, in relationships, with substance abuse and addiction.

You name the problem with your thoughts, emotions, moods, body and behaviour and the Critic is probably involved in some way. As we will see below, I don’t think the Critic means to cause any of these problems – in fact, it’s probably trying to help – but nevertheless, it unwittingly does.

The exact age at which your Critic came online is, of course, hard to pin down. But my hunch is that it was around four or five years old, because that’s the age at which we start to get cognitive. For the first time, we can start to think things like (if you’re the girl in the photo), ‘Why does mummy always like my sister’s paintings more than mine?’ or, ‘Why doesn’t Sally want to be friends any more? Did I do something wrong and now she hates me?’

And we can think these more ‘metacognitive’ thoughts because our prefrontal cortex is really starting to develop at this age. This crucial part of your brain, which is just behind your forehead, takes a long time to develop – it doesn’t fully mature until you are in your early twenties. And when we start thinking about what other people think of us, whether they like us or like someone else more, that maybe they find us annoying or dislikable, our Critic emerges.

This part of you starts monitoring everything you think, say and do, checking for anything that might lead to a bad outcome – someone being angry with or rejecting you, say. And if it notices that, it starts giving you a hard time – to modify your behaviour. Which leads us to the why…

Why does the critic criticise?

It’s hard to believe, I know, but the Critic really does mean well. Even the meanest, harshest, most aggressive Critic is trying to help. How? In my opinion, Critics are always trying to motivate or protect you, or both. The motivation is easier to spot, like when it tells you to get up off your behind and go for a walk, you lazy so and so. Or telling you not to eat that yummy piece of cake, because you’re big enough already. A bit harsh, but clearly pushing you into doing something helpful.

And the protection – which started when you were a small, vulnerable child – is all about stopping you saying or doing something that will lead to you getting hurt. If this is hard to accept about that relentless voice in your head, just notice two things:

1. First, your Critic gets loud when you are vulnerable or threatened in some way. That’s because it’s freaking out – it sees the danger and is trying to warn you, in its somewhat clumsy and ineffective way

2. And second, what are the themes of your critical self-talk? Just notice them and I bet they focus on, for example, the thing you said to that colleague that led to them being cold with you; or the drunken story you told at that party that hurt your partner, so they snapped at you and you felt regretful and ashamed the next morning

Hard as it is to see at first, the intention of your Critic is good – it’s just the method, or behaviour, that needs to change. Understanding this is a crucial first step on turning down the volume on that relentless self-criticism, treating yourself more kindly and with greater respect.

I hope that helps – and if you would like to know more, do come along to my next webinar, How to Manage Your Inner Critic, on Saturday 25th March 2023. Email Anna, our lovely Heal Your Trauma administrator at info@danroberts.com if you want to find out more, or book your place now using the button below. I hope to see you there!

Sending you love and warm thoughts,

Dan

Come to My Webinar – How to Manage Your Inner Critic – on 25th March

If you want to know how to be less self-critical and treat yourself with more kindness, compassion and respect, then do watch the recording of my How to Manage Your Inner Critic webinar.

This webinar includes a combination of teaching, powerful experiential exercises such as breathing techniques and practices based on Internal Family Systems, which are highly effective at both understanding and managing your inner Critic 🌟

Purchase the recording now for just £10, to download or stream whenever you want:

Do You Struggle With Self-Criticism?

Do you struggle with self-criticism? If so, your Inner Critic may call you names like ‘stupid’ or ‘pathetic’, which drains your confidence and impacts your self-worth on a day-to-day basis.

Because this is so painful for us, it can be easy to think we need to get rid of our Critic, or make them shut up. Unfortunately, not only is this very difficult to do, it is also counter-productive, as it tends to make the Critic stronger and louder. Instead, we need to befriend and work with the Critic to help you understand the function of this much-misunderstood part, which is always either motivational or protective in some way (I know that’s hard to believe right now, but having worked with hundreds of Critics in my consulting room I have consistently found it to be true).

As an Internal Family Systems-Trained Therapist I use this warm, compassionate, highly effective approach with all my clients. And that’s because it is so effective for a wide range of problems, from complex trauma to anxiety, depression, relationship difficulties, eating disorders and addiction. It’s also, in my many years of clinical experience, the most effective approach we have for helping your Critic calm down and stop giving you such a hard time, which in turn will help you feel calmer, happier and more at peace.

If you would like to learn how to work with your Critic, watch the recording of my 90-minute Zoom webinar – How to Manage Your Inner Critic, which took place on Saturday 25th March 2023, from 3pm-4.30pm.

How to Manage Your Inner Critic features 90 minutes of teaching, powerful exercises that will help you feel calmer and more relaxed, and a 15-minute Q&A with me.

In this powerful, highly experiential webinar you will learn:

• What we mean by trauma and how common it is – and why experiencing trauma means we tend to develop a louder, more powerful inner Critic

• Why Internal Family Systems is such a revolutionary model, offering brand-new ways of understanding psychological problems and how to heal them, including a road map to transforming your Critic

• Why we all have an internal system of ‘parts’ – both young, wounded parts and protective parts which work hard to make sure those young parts never get hurt again. And why, counterintuitively, your chief protector is often the Critic

• How to understanding the function of your Critic – almost always either to motivate or protect you – which in turn helps you approach the Critic in a more nuanced, validating and ultimately transformative way

• You will also learn some simple, powerful techniques to help you work with your Critic – as well as the young parts that get triggered when the Critic is loud, harsh or overly negative
  

Don’t miss out – purchase access to the recording for just £10, to download or stream whenever you like, using the button below.

Warm wishes,

Dan

How to Rewrite the Story of Your Life

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What is the story of your life? What do you tell yourself about your successes and failures, key life events, those you love and those who have hurt you in some way? In my therapy practice, I find that people often tell themselves a story about their life that is distorted, highly critical, focusing heavily on perceived mistakes and failings. This is especially common among trauma survivors, who are often made to feel bad, wrong or unlovable as children.

Over the course of therapy, I always try to help people write a new life story. One that is realistic, not pessimistic. Compassionate, not critical. Based on the understanding that we all suffer, we all make mistakes, we all have problems. That is the nature of living a human life.

Your life story

So, you were born. And you landed in a family, with (probably) two parents, maybe some siblings, grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins and assorted other relatives. And if, as so often happens, that family was not a happy one, your childhood was difficult, which caused you suffering and may have led to lifelong psychological problems.

A key concept in schema therapy is that of ‘core needs’. These are core developmental needs that all children have, whatever culture or family structure they grow up in. There are five needs, which I will explain in detail in a future post, but the two most important needs are for love and a secure attachment; and safety and protection. If these were not met for you in your family (where the vast majority of our development occurs), you would have developed unhelpful ‘schemas’.

And these schemas – neural networks that fire up when you feel threatened or stressed – have a profound effect on how you feel, your sensitivities and vulnerabilities, your thoughts, behaviour and most of what makes you, you on a daily basis. Well, as I always tell my clients: you didn’t choose to land in that family, did you? You didn’t choose to have the painful schemas that make life so difficult. You certainly didn’t choose to be anxious, stressed, depressed, to have an eating disorder or low self-esteem. Nobody would choose those things.

The Compassionate Version

So instead of telling yourself a harsh, critical, self-blaming story, why not choose a more compassionate version? One in which you found a way to cope with the painful wounds inflicted by a childhood that let you down in some way. That coping may involve some unhelpful behaviours, like over-eating, drinking too much or even taking drugs, but – although of course it would be helpful to free yourself from these ways of coping – they are definitely not your fault.

You are just coping, the best way you know how, like the rest of us. No blame. No shame. No beating yourself up. Just understanding what went wrong in your childhood, the effect that has had on your mind, brain, nervous system and body, and how to heal yourself. And while we’re at it, why don’t we change that horrible ending and replace it with a positive, hopeful, happy (or at least happier) version?

One in which you can be healed, with hard work and – if your wounds are deep – with expert help. An ending in which you are loving and loved. Having lived a rich, meaningful life. Because, as far as we know, this life is the only one we get. So it seems crucial to me that we make the most of it, however hard or hurtful its beginning.

And I will do my best to help with that, so please keep reading these posts and I will guide you along the path to a new, improved version of your unique life story.

Warm wishes,

Dan

Learn to Be Kind to Yourself With This Step-By-Step Technique

Image by Lisa Fotios from Pexels

I’m guessing, if you’re reading this, that you are a kind person. I bet you’re really good to the people in your life — treating friends, family and even strangers with care and consideration. And, although that may take effort sometimes, you show up for those people, day after day.

But I also bet that the one person you struggle to treat with kindness and compassion is yourself. Somehow, all that warmth and love you radiate outwards rarely goes inside.

At best, you don’t take good care of yourself, working long hours, putting everyone else’s needs before your own, running around until you’re exhausted. At worst, you may be harshly self-critical, beating yourself up for every (real or imagined) transgression, calling yourself stupid or pathetic, attacking yourself as if you were your own worst enemy.

Kindness is like gold dust

But here’s the thing I always tell my clients — kindness is so powerful and produces such deep healing in our mind, brain and body that it’s like gold dust. There is a huge and ever-growing body of research that clearly shows the deeply transformative impact of positive mental states such as kindness and compassion.

So why is it so hard to treat yourself as you treat others, even though you know rationally that it’s a good idea? Primarily because the rational part of your brain (the prefrontal cortex, or PFC, responsible for rational thought, among other things) is not the part that’s mean to you. In schema therapy we call that part the Critic, which lives in the more emotional, evolutionarily older parts of the brain, like your limbic system.

This critical part of yourself may echo the messages given to you by punishing or excessively demanding parents or other caregivers when you were a child. If they told you that you were weak, pathetic, lazy or a failure, sadly that’s what your critical part will tell you now. But it’s crucial to remember that, for the vast majority of the time, these hurtful messages are not true.

Just because an irritable, sharp-tongued mother told you something when you were four years old does not make it a fact. And the hurtful things your hard-drinking, quick-tempered dad yelled when you were ten say more about him than they do about you — as a ten-year-old or an adult. Act as if your life depended on not believing these toxic messages from the past — which, in many ways, it really does.

Another problem is that, if you’re feeling anxious or angry, your PFC literally goes offline. That’s because when you feel these ‘threat-signalling’ emotions, your fight-flight-freeze response has been triggered. And when that happens, your PFC — which is great for solving equations or writing novels, but not so good for quick, life-saving action — powers down until the threat has passed. This is why your mind goes blank when you’re highly anxious — because your ‘thinking brain’ has, temporarily, stopped working.

So, given that it’s such a struggle for so many people, how on earth can you learn to be kinder to yourself? In my 10 years as a therapist, I have tried hundreds of different techniques to help my clients treat themselves with the care and respect they afford to other people. Some work better than others. And this kindness-generating technique— which I use multiple times, every single day — consistently works best…

Want to be kinder? Try this simple technique

Remember how good you are at being kind to others? Well, the good news is that the same brain circuitry involved in external acts of kindness fire up when we’re kind to ourselves. So you have all the neural architecture/skills already, you just need to treat yourself the way you would a good friend. Try these steps, in this order, being sure not to skip a step (they all activate key parts of your neurobiology — skip one and the rest won’t work as well).

1. Change posture. Let your shoulders roll back so your chest is open. Sit upright but relaxed, as if there’s an invisible piece of string coming from the top of your head, pulling you upright.

2. Breathe. Take deep, slow breaths in and out — four seconds in, four seconds out. Let your stomach rise and fall with each breath. This activates your parasympathetic nervous system, which in turn activates the ‘rest-and-digest’ response, the opposite to fight-flight-freeze.

3. Use supportive touch. Place a hand over your heart, touching yourself the way you would a friend who was upset — with a kind, friendly, supportive touch. Feel the warmth under your hand and imagine it trickling down into your heart, soothing all the hurt, scared parts of you.

4. Add compassionate self-talk. Now talk to yourself the way you would to that troubled friend. Make sure your voice tone is warm, soft and slow (your tone is just as important as the words you use). Say things like ‘Oh, John/Jenny, I know you’re struggling right now. This is so hard, isn’t it — I really see how scared you are. But it’s OK, you’re not alone. I’m here with you. I care about you. And I’m going to help you get through this...’

Feeling better?

When I use this technique with my clients (or myself), every single time they feel calmer, lighter, more at peace. Importantly, it’s not about going from 80% anxious to Zen-like calm. Look to feel a bit calmer, a bit lighter, a bit more peaceful. That is eminently achievable — and the more you do this, the more effective it will become.

So do try this technique when you are feeling anxious, stressed, sad, lonely or upset — it should help with any kind of negative feeling or mood. I really hope it does.

Warm wishes,

Dan

Loving-Kindness Meditation – Part Two

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I recently posted about Metta Bhavana, or loving-kindness meditation, giving you the first two steps of directing loving-kindness to yourself, then a friend – you can find the full meditation below. Just to recap, in Pali, the Buddha's language, metta means ‘love’ (in a non-romantic sense), friendliness, or kindness.

Bhavana means development or cultivation. But you don't have to be a Buddhist, or have any interest in Buddhism, to benefit from this practice – mindfulness meditation is increasingly taught as a secular, non-religious series of practices – loving-kindness is one of these.

As a therapist, I help many people who are harshly self-critical or full of self-dislike. Sadly, this internal self-attack often leads to psychological problems like depression, low self-esteem, chronic stress, anger or anxiety. Increasing your sense of kindness and compassion – towards yourself and others – is a proven way to generate positive mental states such as joy, love, calmness, equanimity and strength.

The practice

The full Metta Bhavana practice traditionally encompasses five stages, so allow five minutes for each stage. Here is a step-by-step guide to the practice:

1. This practice will take 25 minutes, so switch your phone to silent (if it has a timer, set it to repeat after 5 minutes) and make sure you will not be disturbed. As with all meditation, it's important to attend to your posture, making yourself comfortable on a cushion on the floor or a straight-backed chair, sitting with your spine, neck and head in alignment. Your posture should be upright and alert but relaxed.

2. Bring your awareness into your body, starting in your feet and travelling slowly all the way up to your scalp. If you notice any tension or discomfort, allow that part of the body to soften and relax. Then bring your awareness to the heart region – it can help to place your hand over your heart and feel the warmth this generates. Allow this warmth to permeate into your practice.

3. In stage one, you direct metta towards yourself. You can visualise your face, perhaps seeing the metta as a golden light shining from your heart and enveloping your whole being. Or remember a time when you felt happy, or proud of yourself – there is no set rule, so whatever helps you get in touch with positive feelings towards yourself is fine. (If you don't feel anything, that's not a problem – feelings will come in time, so don't try to force them). Repeat these phrases in your mind: 'May I be well. May I be happy. May I be free from suffering.' Say them slowly and deliberately – this a great gift you are offering yourself, so don't rush it.

4. If you become distracted by thoughts, sounds or body sensations, that's not a problem. Simply notice that your attention has wandered and gently bring it back to the phrases.

5. In part two, we direct metta towards a friend – this should be someone you feel positive about, not a person with whom you have conflict or difficulty. Repeat: 'May you be well. May you be happy. May you be free from suffering.' If you feel like varying the phrases to suit this person, that's fine – so it could be 'May you be free from stress. May you be confident. May you be free from anxiety.' Again, don't force this, but if it happens naturally that's fine.

6. In part three, we direct metta towards a neutral person. This can be someone you see regularly but have never spoken to, maybe in the supermarket or your favourite coffee shop. See this person's face in your mind's eye, then repeat 'May you be well. May you be happy. May you be free from suffering.'

7. Part four entails directing metta towards a difficult person in our lives. At first, it's best to choose someone you are having a little difficulty with, not your worst enemy. Unsurprisingly, this is generally the hardest stage, but remember that when you fill your mind with negative, angry, hostile thoughts, or fill your body with emotions like resentment or hatred, you are the one who is suffering, not them. And the Buddha taught that all beings deserve our compassion, not just the ones we like!

   Repeat 'May you be well. May you be happy. May you be free from suffering,' perhaps visualising golden light flowing from your heart to the difficult person. If you struggle, place your hand over your heart to generate warmth in this region, then try again. If you feel numb or angry, that's fine, just accept these feelings and continue repeating the phrases, as having a positive intention is the most important thing.

8. Finally, we direct metta to all life. You may want to start by imagining yourself your friend, the neutral and difficult persons, sending metta to each in turn. ('May we be well. May we be happy. May we be free from suffering.') Then expand that circle to include all of your friends, family, community, residents of your city, country, continent... expanding the flow of metta until you cover the whole globe. Then include insects, fish, birds, mammals, reptiles... ('May all life be well. May all life be happy. May all life be free from suffering.')

9. After 25 minutes, allow yourself to sit quietly, noticing if you feel any different than when you started. If not, that's fine, but you may notice a greater sense of softness, an uplift in your mood, or feelings of warmth and friendliness. Just allow whatever's happening right now to be there, then slowly open your eyes and start moving your body; and take this new attitude into the rest of your day.

Warm wishes,

Dan

Try Loving-Kindness Meditation

Image by Kazuend

Three of the core Buddhist meditation practices are the body scan, mindfulness of breathing and Metta Bhavana, or loving-kindness meditation. In Pali, the Buddha's language, metta means ‘love’ (in a non-romantic sense), friendliness, or kindness. Bhavana means development or cultivation.

But you don't have to be a Buddhist, or have any interest in Buddhism, to benefit from this practice – mindfulness meditation is increasingly taught as a secular, or non-religious series of practices – loving-kindness is one of these.

As a therapist, I help many people who are harshly self-critical or full of self-dislike. Sadly, this internal self-attack often leads to psychological problems like depression, low self-esteem, chronic stress, anger or anxiety. Increasing your sense of kindness and compassion – towards yourself and others – is a proven way to generate positive mental states such as joy, love, calmness, equanimity and strength.

The practice

The full Metta Bhavana practice is traditionally in five stages, so here are the first two – I will go through the full practice in a later post:

1. This practice will take 10 minutes, so switch your phone to silent (if it has a timer, set it to repeat after 5 minutes) and make sure you will not be disturbed. As with all meditation, it's important to attend to your posture, making yourself comfortable on a cushion on the floor or a straight-backed chair, sitting with your spine, neck and head in alignment. Your posture should be upright and alert but relaxed.

2. Bring your awareness into your body, starting in your feet and travelling slowly all the way up to your scalp. If you notice any tension or discomfort, allow that part of the body to soften and relax. Then bring your awareness to the heart region – it can help to place your hand over your heart and feel the warmth this generates. Allow this warmth to permeate into your practice.

3. In stage one, you direct metta towards yourself. You can visualise your face, perhaps seeing the metta as a golden light shining from your heart and enveloping your whole being. Or remember a time when you felt happy, or proud of yourself – there is no set rule, so whatever helps you get in touch with positive feelings towards yourself is fine. (If you don't feel anything, that's not a problem – feelings will come in time, so don't try to force them).

Repeat these phrases in your mind: 'May I be well. May I be happy. May I be free from suffering.' Say them slowly and deliberately – this a great gift you are offering yourself, so don't rush it.

4. If you become distracted by thoughts, sounds or body sensations, that's not a problem. Simply notice that your attention has wandered and gently bring it back to the phrases.

5. In part two, we direct metta towards a friend – this should be someone you feel positive about, not a person with whom you have conflict or difficulty. Repeat: 'May you be well. May you be happy. May you be free from suffering.' If you feel like varying the phrases to suit this person, that's fine – so it could be 'May you be free from stress. May you be confident. May you be free from anxiety.' Again, don't force this, but if it happens naturally that's fine.

6. After 10 minutes, allow yourself to sit quietly, noticing if you feel any different than when you started. If not, that's fine, but you may notice a greater sense of softness, an uplift in your mood, or feelings of warmth and friendliness.

Just allow whatever's happening right now to be there, then slowly open your eyes and start moving your body; and take this new attitude into the rest of your day.

I very much hope this practice proves helpful for you.

Warm wishes,

Dan

Living a Compassionate Life

Image by Quinten de Graaf

Compassion is one of those words, like kindness, that some people seem to feel uncomfortable with. When I suggest that a self-critical client could be more compassionate to themselves, they often say, 'But how would I motivate myself?' Or 'How could I stop my standards from slipping?'

This idea, that being harshly self-critical is the best form of motivation, often baffles me. Think of it this way: if your child was struggling with maths at school, would you want their teacher to shout at them and tell them they were stupid and pathetic?

Or would you want a teacher who was encouraging, helped them understand what they were doing wrong and kindly taught them, step by step, how to improve their work?

It's a no-brainer, isn't it? So why do we think that being harsh and unkind to ourselves, using names like 'idiot', 'stupid' and 'loser', will do anything but drain our self-confidence and make us feel stressed, anxious and unhappy.

We also know from MRI scans of the brain that our brains cannot distinguish between external attack – from a bully, say – and internal attack, when we are punishing and angry in our thoughts and self-perceptions.

Compassion in action

There is also an idea that kindness and compassion are fluffy, wishy-washy concepts – fine as ideas but of no use when dealing with the harsh realities we often face in daily life. Not so. When learning about compassion, I have been deeply struck by the teachings of Tibetan Buddhists like the Dalai Lama and his French interpreter, Matthieu Ricard.

In his wonderful book, Happiness: A Guide to Developing Life's Most Important Skill, Ricard describes the often harrowing stories of Tibetans who have suffered terribly at the hands of the Chinese military – China has occupied Tibet since 1950, killing and imprisoning hundreds of thousands of innocent people.

But the Tibetans, who have been tortured or seen their loved ones murdered, are neither bitter nor full of hatred for their tormentors. Instead, their deep resources of compassion allow them to retain their sanity and equilibrium. The Buddha teaches us that hatred is a poison for the mind; it causes as much suffering for the hater as the object of his or her hate.

When I read these stories I am humbled, because of people who have suffered so much can forgive their invaders, I can certainly forgive the petty annoyances and difficulties people cause me.

The Dalai Lama tells us that compassion is not just for the easy people in our lives – those we love and care about. Compassion is for everyone, whether we like them or not; those who help us and those who do us wrong; the easy and the difficult, likeable and dislikable. As he says, 'Everyone wants happiness; nobody wants to suffer'.

So, try to be a little more compassionate in your life – both to those you come into contact with and yourself. Compassion really is like a healing balm to a troubled mind.

Warm wishes,

Dan

Compassion for All – Including You

Image by Vincent van Zalinge

The Buddha taught that we should have compassion for all living beings: every bird, animal, fish, insect... and human on this planet. This is not easy. Leaving aside the thorny question of what we are supposed to eat if we take this idea to its logical extreme, let's focus on people, because that's complicated enough.

For example, it's easy to feel compassion for those we love or like. We can forgive those closest to us pretty much anything, because we have such a strong bond with them.

Our friends, parents, siblings, children, spouse – if we are lucky enough to have good relationships with these people, feeling compassion for them is not hard. But what about that colleague you don't get on with at work – the one who talks about you behind your back? Or the guy who just cut you up in traffic, nearly causing a nasty accident?

Taking it one step further, how about politicians like Donald Trump who promote violence and racism? Should we really feel compassion for him? And harder still, how about a murderous dictator like Stalin or Hitler – surely they are the last people on earth we should feel compassion for.

Compassion for all

As someone who is passionate about Buddhist psychology's depth, richness and practical wisdom, I have long struggled with this idea. But as far as I understand it, the Buddha would say that we should feel compassion for everyone, even those we find abhorrent, because the alternative is to fill our minds with hatred, anger and hostility, which he called poisons of the mind.

If I spend my days hating Trump, who suffers? Not him, for sure. I can fundamentally disagree with his odious behaviour without succumbing to hatred – instead, I can wish for him to change, to become a less hate-filled and harmful person, because that will reduce the suffering he causes in the world.

And I can't believe that anyone who is so full of anger and hatred is truly happy; so I can have compassion for their unhappiness without approving of the person in any way.

Compassion for yourself

If this all seems hard to grasp, surely it's easier to think about feeling compassion for yourself? Sadly, in my experience of helping people with all sorts of psychological problems, this is neither simple nor easy. Time and time again I am saddened by the harshly critical way in which people talk to themselves in their minds.

They call themselves names like 'idiot' or 'failure', say they are 'pathetic' or 'crazy' or worse. And this, of course, creates suffering – research shows that harsh self-criticism is linked with depression, low self-esteem, anxiety, eating disorders, anger-management problems, and more.

So a key focus with all of my clients is encouraging them to be kinder to themselves. Mindfulness meditation really helps with this, as do a wide range of cognitive and schema therapy techniques. But you can start today, simply by catching yourself using harsh words when you speak or think about yourself.

Ask the simple question, 'Would I talk to my best friend like this?' If the answer is no (and it almost always is), try speaking to yourself a little more kindly. It could make a huge difference to the way you feel day to day.

Warm wishes,

Dan