Being Yelled at in Childhood Causes Wounds, But They Can Be Healed
Did your parents often yell at you as a child? Did they make you feel small, scared, hurt or humiliated? If so, these painful early experiences may well have caused lasting wounds. As a trauma therapist, I see the impact of verbal abuse like this every day. Children are highly sensitive beings, without the layers of mental and emotional armour adults have built up over a lifetime. They also tend to believe what grownups say – especially if those grownups are the caregivers whose job it is to keep them safe.
I was struck by a story in today’s Guardian, in which child-development experts are due to meet with MPs today to explain how damaging verbal abuse is to children. In the meeting, they will present research on the way that persistent yelling, name-calling, harsh criticism and other kinds of verbal abuse actually change the structure of children’s brains. Both the threat and reward systems are altered, making it harder for those kids to feel pleasure and form friendships, as well as making them perceive the world as a more dangerous and hostile place.
This is all heartbreaking, but sadly does not surprise me, because research consistently shows any kind of abuse, whether it’s verbal, physical or sexual, as well as neglect, such as the lack of love, kindness and support, profoundly affects children. I have long been a fierce opponent of physical punishment, such as smacking, because this can cause profound emotional and behavioural problems for kids. Apart from the pain and suffering it causes, I often think that modelling solving problems with violence is not exactly the best lesson to teach kids! Like smacking, yelling at children has long been minimised or justified in the name of ‘discipline’. But the science clearly tells a different story – both are harmful and have no place in a modern, humane society.
How constant yelling might have affected you
If you did experience verbal abuse during childhood I am so sorry – no child deserves to be treated that way. You may now be struggling with the consequences, such as problems with anxiety, depression or low self-esteem. Viewed through an internal family systems (IFS) lens, you might have hurt young parts living inside, carrying all the pain and negative self-beliefs caused by the yelling. These parts of you might think things like ‘I’m not good enough’, or ‘I am bad and unlovable’, or ‘I always mess everything up.’ None of these things are true. They are just stories your inner boy or girl has been telling themselves, over and over, until they feel like The Truth.
You will also have a bunch of protective parts that sprang up to minimise the damage at the time, and ward off similar attacks in the present. These parts might engage in people pleasing, conflict avoidance, perfectionism, hypervigilance, detachment and dissociation, harsh self-criticism, spikiness, passive aggression, or a whole host of other strategies to keep these vulnerable inner kids safe. If any of this is resonating with you, I recommend seeking out a skilled, trauma-informed therapist to help you heal both the hurt kids and their protective parts. This will help you see the world in a less threat-focused light, navigate relationships with greater ease, feel a little calmer and safer in your body, develop increased self-worth and change those negative beliefs to more helpful ones, like ‘I am human, with strengths and weaknesses, like everybody else,’ or ‘I am a perfectly likeable and lovable person’.
If you would like to learn more about IFS, you might enjoy my 90-minute webinar, Trauma Healing with Internal Family Systems, which you can watch for just £10 in my online store – just click the button below. And if this is not affordable for you, please contact us for a scholarship coupon to watch the webinar for free.
I hope you find it helpful – and that you have a wonderful day.
Love,
Dan ❤️