Do You Worry You’re Not Good Enough? This Schema May be to Blame
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If there is one problem I see above all others in my clients, it’s a deep, gut-level feeling that they’re not good enough in some way. Not smart, attractive, thin, successful, wealthy, admired, athletic, youthful, popular enough… the list is endless. There is always something we feel deficient in. And it’s not just that we feel deficient at a particular thing – we feel deficient as a person. That’s really hard, isn’t it? Because even if I do get good at that particular thing – get another degree, or lose 10kg – I still feel lacking, deep in my bones, as a person.
One helpful way to understand this is through the lens of schema therapy, one of the approaches I weave into my integrated trauma therapy model. One of the many helpful ideas in schema therapy is that we all have schemas – neural networks in the brain holding particular types of information. Think of a schema like a template, or blueprint for how to respond to a particular event or situation. We have thousands of schemas in our brains, most of which are incredibly helpful – for example, you have English-language and reading schemas active right now, allowing you to read these sentences. You have a tie-your-schoelaces schema, a tell-the-time schema, a make-tea schema. All very helpful for navigating the world on a day-to-day basis.
But Dr Jeffrey Young, founder of schema therapy, identified 18 ‘early maladaptive schemas’, which are not so helpful. These schemas are usually formed in early childhood, when we experience repeated stressors, like being hurt in some way. One of the most common of these schemas is called the Defectiveness schema, which is the not-good-enough, low-self-esteem schema. When this one fires up in your brain, you might suddenly lose confidence, feel stressed, anxious or ashamed. Your Inner Critic might bash you with negative self-talk, telling you that you’re stupid, boring or embarrassing in some way.
How schemas form
Let’s look at Richard’s story to see how unhelpful schemas like Defectiveness develop. Richard grew up in a wealthy, high-achieving family. Both parents were highly paid partners in a successful law firm, having gained a string of degrees from prestigious universities. They expected Richard and his siblings to achieve highly too, which was fine for his sisters, who both excelled academically. But Richard had undiagnosed dyslexia, which meant he struggled to read and write. He could never keep up with his peers and his teachers called him ‘stupid’ and ‘lazy’. With each denigrating, hurtful remark, the schema grew in strength, until it was hard-wired into Richard’s brain.
‘I always felt like such a dunce,’ he told me the first time we met. ‘I was under so much pressure to succeed from my family but I was always failing tests at school and getting Fs on my report. No-one knew I had dyslexia at the time, so they all just thought I was a shirker. I felt horrible, like I was worthless and kind of sub-standard.’
This is how schemas form, with a drip, drip, drip of criticism, judgement and shaming. By the time I met Richard, he just knew he was defective, deep down. It didn’t seem like a story he told himself (which, in fact, was the case). It felt like The Truth.
Practice: Rewriting Your Life story
I explore schemas and how to change them in depth in my new self-help book on healing childhood trauma, which will be published in June 2026. One of the techniques I recommend is using your journal, because journalling is a powerful way to begin questioning the negative, self-lacerating story you have told yourself for decades. If you would like to work on your schema right now, take out your journal and use these questions as prompts:
If you do feel worthless, defective or not good enough in some way, who told you that story about yourself? It might have been a teacher, a bully at school, a parent, sibling or boss. See if you can pin it down – when did it start?
What did they say about you? Did they call you names like lazy, stupid or clumsy?
Viewed through your adult eyes, does this seem fair? For example, did you have dyslexia, like Richard? If you struggled academically, did you thrive in other areas like art or sports?
Did you just struggle to measure up in a demanding, high-pressure family like Richard’s?
If you grew up in a different family – like one of your friends’, who were lucky enough to have kind, loving parents – would you have been told different things and felt a different way?
If you have any kids in your life – your own, nieces, nephews or friends’ children – imagine them struggling as you did in childhood. What would you say to them, if they struggled with science, say, or were a bit overweight?
Would you say harsh, mean things to them? Of course not. Imagine what you would say to reassure them and see if any of that good advice applies to you.
Try doing this often, because schemas involve quick and powerful neural pathways in your brain, which are hard to rewire. But we know they can be rewired, because most of your neural architecture is malleable and changeable, with consistent and repeated practice. Most importantly, know that you are good enough, whatever this schema might say. I bet if I asked your friends to describe you they would say you’re kind, decent, thoughtful, considerate, hard-working, caring or some other positive attribute.
You just need to see what others see when they look at you – which takes time, but is 100% doable, if you try.
Love,
Dan ❤️
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