There Is No Such Thing as a Difficult Person

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Think of the person in your life that you find the most rude, annoying, insensitive or otherwise difficult. Can you see them in your mind’s eye? How do you feel as you picture them? I’m guessing some combination of irritated, frustrated, upset, hostile, vulnerable, anxious or exasperated.

Now I’m going to tell you a secret. This man or woman whom you think is so difficult, isn’t actually a difficult person. Why? Because none of us are entirely difficult, just as no-one is entirely lovable, kind, generous or compassionate.

That’s because we are all complex, multifaceted individuals, made up of an internal ‘family’ of parts. Some of these parts can indeed be difficult, but that’s not the sum total of who you are, or who that ‘difficult’ person is.

How parts work

There are many different ‘parts-based’ models of therapy, but my favourite is Internal Family Systems, developed by Dr Richard Schwartz (Dick to his friends). In this model, we are all made up of a complex, interrelated system of parts. This includes young parts who hold painful thoughts, memories, feelings and body sensations from your past (so a five-year-old part holds difficult stuff from when you were five, and so on).

You also have various protector parts, whose job it is to protect those young parts and make sure they never get hurt again. These protectors also try to keep the young ones hidden away inside, because they can hold such an intense emotional charge, which the protectors fear will overwhelm you if they come bursting out.

In IFS, it’s also thought that you have a Self, which is not a part but a rich array of inner resources like calm, compassion, clarity, confidence and more (some of the 8 Cs – Dick likes alliteration!).

So think about that ‘difficult’ person again. Got them? Right, now I want you to zoom in on the most troublesome behaviour they exhibit, whether that’s being rude, critical, dismissive, or whatever. Now label that as a part – so the Critical Part, or Angry Protector, and so on.

And now (here’s the bit that will help you manage this person better) try to understand that this protector, however rude, obnoxious or hurtful, developed at a time when that person was young, vulnerable and being hurt in some way. This protector’s job is to make sure that never happens again. Some protectors are proactive, like an Angry Protector, busily doing a job to keep them safe (being snippy or harsh, lashing out to keep potential threats at bay). Others are reactive, like a Soother part that makes them drink to numb out painful feelings as quickly as possible.

Look behind the curtain

And so, I guarantee that if you were look behind the ‘curtain’ (ie behind that protector part on the surface) you would find a young one who was hurt, scared, lonely, unloved, or some other painful thing. It’s like a dog who has been mistreated. They become very barky and aggressive, but they’re actually scared – being aggressive is the best way they know to protect themselves and make sure you can’t hurt them like they were hurt before.

This idea helps me virtually every day, as I deal with the various people in my life I find hard to manage. When they are doing whatever I find annoying, I try to see them as a scared little boy or girl. And suddenly they don’t seem so powerful. I can manage and set limits with the spiky protector part without demonising the person, thinking they are ‘horrible’ or ‘nasty’. They are just hurt and doing what they have always done to keep people at bay.

I hope you find that helpful – and if you’re interested in IFS, do come along to one of my webinars and workshops, as I and my co-presenters blend concepts and practices from IFS with other highly effective models in our teaching. We have two more planned for 2022 and one a month throughout 2023 – visit healyourtrauma.com to find out more.

Sending you love and warm wishes,

Dan

Would You Like Help With Your Worry and Anxiety?

Due to unforeseen circumstances, this event has been cancelled. If you were interested in attending, do book the online version of this workshop, which will run on 10th December 2022. Bookings for that workshop open in November. We apologise for any inconvenience caused.

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Coping with Anxiety: How to Worry Less, Feel Calmer and More at Peace features teaching, powerful exercises that will help you feel calmer and more relaxed, and the chance to put your questions to Dan Roberts, a leading expert on trauma and mental health.

In this powerful, highly experiential webinar you will learn:

• Why high levels of anxiety are a common problem for people with a trauma history – and how that’s linked to a ‘dysregulated’ nervous system, as well as elevated levels of ‘stress hormones’ like adrenaline and cortisol in your bloodstream

• How anxiety is the brain’s ‘alarm’ emotion, warning you that something bad is about to happen and that you should do something, immediately, to keep yourself safe

• Why anxiety is linked to the fight-flight-freeze self-protection responses – useful for escaping from a hungry lion, but not if you’re sitting at your desk in a quiet, safe office

• Simple, evidence-based strategies to calm your anxious inner child, quickly and effectively

• Why anxiety (an emotion) and worry (a thinking process) are inextricably linked – and how to reduce both overwhelming emotions and unhelpful thinking

• Key experiential exercises – such as Compassionate Breathing and 4-7-8 Breathing, guided meditations and imagery – you will learn to help you cope with your anxiety, reduce unhelpful worry and feel calmer and more in control

• And throughout the day, you will get the chance to put your questions to Dan Roberts, Founder of Heal Your Trauma and an expert on trauma healing and managing anxiety

Don’t miss this chance to learn from a leading trauma therapist and expert on mental health and wellbeing – watch the video for more information and book your place now using the button below.

Warm wishes,

Dan

Don't Miss My Next Webinar: The Healing Power of Self-Compassion

Image by Taisiia Stupak

As part of my Heal Your Trauma project, I am offering a series of Zoom webinars throughout 2022. My second webinar – The Healing Power of Self-Compassion – will be held from 3-4.30pm on Saturday 28th May 2022.

One of the core values of this project is that everything is free, or priced affordably. So this 90-minute webinar costs just £29 to attend live, as well as gaining exclusive access to a video of the event, to watch whenever you like.

The Healing Power of Self-Compassion features 90 minutes of teaching, powerful exercises that will help you feel calmer and more relaxed, and a 15-minute Q&A with me.

In this powerful, highly experiential webinar you will learn:

• The key role that self-compassion plays in healing from any psychological problem, but especially trauma

• Key experiential exercises – such as breathing, guided meditations, journaling and imagery – you will learn to help you develop your self-compassion skills

• How self-compassion is crucial to help you deal with stress, anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, being overly self-critical, eating disorders, substance abuse and most other psychological problems

• And, during a 15-minute Q&A, you will get the chance to put your questions to Dan Roberts, Founder of Heal Your Trauma and an expert on trauma healing and developing self-compassion

Don’t miss this chance to learn from a leading trauma therapist and expert on mental health and wellbeing. Watch the video for more information and book your place now – for just £29 – using the button below.

Warm wishes,

Dan

The Difference Between Empathy and Compassion – and Why it Matters

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Are you an empathic person? As you are visiting my website and reading this post right now, I’m guessing you are. But there are some common misconceptions about what empathy actually is – and how it differs from compassion. These differences might seem a bit pedantic, or only of interest to psychology nerds like me, but it’s actually of crucial importance to you, especially if you struggle with mental-health problems.

Before we get on to empathy and compassion, let’s start with sympathy. If I feel sympathy for you, it means I feel sorry for you. So if I were walking down a street in central London and saw a homeless person begging, I might think, ‘Poor guy – he looks really miserable,’ and feel sorry for the homeless person.

Empathy is different – and actually involves a much more complex and sophisticated psychological response than sympathy. If I felt empathy for the same homeless guy, I would take time to imagine what it felt like to be him – I would try to put myself in his shoes and really work at getting what it felt like to sit there, day after day, on a cold pavement (and it’s making me sad just writing that sentence, because I think being homeless must be a terrible existence).

Empathy is a good thing, but…

So you can see that feeling empathy is harder for us than mere sympathy. It takes intentional effort, especially in a city like London where, very sadly, we can walk past hundreds of homeless people a day. It can also be uncomfortable, because I am imagining what the guy might be thinking (probably not very happy thoughts) and feeling (probably sad, crushed and hopeless, if he’s like most homeless people I have spoken to).

This is one reason many people lack empathy, because it can be painful to put yourself in the mind of another. And especially if you live in a busy, crowded metropolis like London, where you have to shut yourself down a bit not to get overwhelmed by it all.

It’s also why people make the mistake of speaking about ‘compassion fatigue’, when what they really mean is ‘empathy fatigue’. It’s easy to get overwhelmed by too much empathy – especially in our world, with heartbreaking wars raging in Ukraine, Yemen and Ethiopia, the ongoing coronavirus pandemic, famine… If you really allow yourself to feel the pain of the whole world you would just implode.

Moving into compassion

That’s why compassion is a much healthier state, but also requires another step in terms of psychological flexibility. When I feel compassion, I first have an empathic response to the homeless man, putting myself in his shoes. But I then take compassionate action – meaning I am determined to do something to relieve his suffering. And that makes all the difference, because now I am protected from burnout or fatigue.

So I might ask to buy him a sandwich or cup of tea. If he looked down or upset, as a therapist I could sit and listen to him and do what I could to help. And you don’t need to be a trained therapist to take a moment to sit next to someone and make a simple human-to-human connection. In my experience, homeless people always love this and find it deeply moving, because it means we are seeing them as a fellow human being, not just an annoying obstacle to step over or rush past as quickly as possible.

It’s clear that the world needs more compassion right now. Taking compassionate action would help us solve the many challenges facing humanity, such as those terrible wars raging, climate change, income inequality, poverty, hunger, racism and other destructive forms of discrimination, violence against women, abuse of all kinds… Every single problem we face as a global human family could be solved with a little more empathy and compassionate action.

Want to know more?

If you would like to know more about compassion and how helpful it can be – especially if you have a trauma history/are struggling with any kind of mental-health problem – do book your place on my next Zoom webinar: The Healing Power of Self-Compassion. This 90-minute webinar costs just £29, including access to a recording of the event, to watch whenever you like.

You can find out more about the event on this page, or book your place using the button below.

I hope to see you there!

Warm wishes,

Dan

The Story of You: What You Needed and (Probably) Didn’t Get as a Child

Image by Kelly Sikkema

So, you were born. And like all babies, you were beautiful, innocent and pure. You were like a little seed, packed full of energy, primed to flourish and grow. But to do that you needed certain nutrients like food, water, air and warmth, of course, but also things like love and safety, to feel cherished and valued for the little miracle that you were.

As well as all the basic ingredients you needed to nourish you day to day, what little you needed most was to be loved, held, whispered and sung to, told stories of who you were and how you came to be here. You needed to feel your mother’s skin on yours, your father’s strong arms as he rocked you back to sleep.

We call experiences like this attachment and it is so deep, so powerful, hard-wired into every human brain. You needed a safe, secure, reliable attachment first to mum – who carried you in her body for nine months, gave you life, fed and cared for you at your tiniest and most vulnerable – and then dad, siblings, grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, school friends and so on, out and out for the rest of your life.

Our first and deepest attachment

But for most of us this starts with mum, our first and most important caregiver, who should love us fiercely, viscerally, as if we were part of her, because we once were. And when this goes as it should, it feels wonderful – so good in fact that we call it ‘attachment bliss’ – being held and stroked and fed and soothed and cherished. And this creates, in us, a powerful feeling, in our bones, that we are good, lovable, worthy of kindness and respect.

So that’s how it should be – and for some lucky people, that’s how it is. But for many of us, it doesn’t work like this. Something goes wrong, somewhere – either very mildly wrong, or more seriously. And if it’s mild, and we have enough love, enough safety, enough nutrients to feed our growing brain and body, then we come out of it fairly intact. We may be anxious, or get depressed from time to time, but mostly we’re OK, able to do all the normal stuff of everyday life and be happy, enough, most of the time.

And for some of us – in fact, far too many of us – the things that went wrong were much worse than this. And they happened not just once, but over and over, throughout childhood, one bad thing or lots of bad things, one after another. And if this is you, you might know what these things were, or just have a vague inkling that all was not well. Either way, what I’m saying resonates somewhere inside and you’re thinking, ‘Yes, that’s how it was for me.’

If that’s the case, I am truly sorry, because I know that you will be left with wounds. And one of the deepest of those wounds is that you will think you deserved it in some way, that you were a bad person, or somehow dislikable or unlovable. Because that’s what children do – they make it about them, because it’s too scary and threatening to think that the people who were supposed to love and protect you, were in fact the ones who hurt you. That’s too much for a child’s brain to comprehend, so they go, ‘Well it can’t have been their fault, so it must have been mine. I’m bad. I’m naughty. I made all the bad things happen and deserved them.’

None of this is your fault

And here’s where I really need you to concentrate. Take in these words, because they may be the most important thing anyone has ever said to you. And that’s this: none of those bad things that happened were your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong. You were just that sweet, innocent, pure little baby who was born into a bad situation.

See you think you’re a bad person, but you’re not. You are a good person that bad things happened to.

That’s so important I’m going to say it again. You think you’re a bad person, but you’re not. You are a good person that bad things happened to.

And somewhere inside you is that sweet, innocent, lovable little boy or girl. They still live in your mind and body and nervous system, whether you know they are there or not. And they are the part of you that needs to hear this the most, because they hold all the memories of bad stuff and how it felt, and what they thought, and all the other stuff that goes with that.

‘I am not what happened to me. I am what I choose to become.’

Carl Jung

So let them know that they are not bad, or wrong, or naughty, or anything other than a beautiful little child, who deserves to be loved and cherished, and held, and made to feel good about themselves. Because that’s what we all want – it’s what we’re born for, really, to feel that from other people and to give it back to them. It’s why we’re all here.

I hope this helps you think a little differently about your life, about yourself, about why you struggle as you do. As ever, also know that these wounds can be healed, with enough time, work and loving, compassionate support.

And I will be here, every step of the way, giving you every ounce of knowledge, wisdom, guidance and support I possess.

Warm wishes,

Dan

PS I have recorded this as a talk for my InsightTimer Collection – click on the button below if you would like to listen (for free) now.

Hatred is a Poison – Don't Let it into Your Heart

Image by Nathan Lindahl

Watching events unfold in Ukraine, our natural empathic response as humans is to feel shocked, upset and overwhelmed at the images we see and stories we read about this terrible war. These are normal, natural emotional responses, so allow yourself to feel whatever you are feeling right now. I feel those things too.

It’s also completely natural and understandable to feel angry about what’s happening. And that anger can be a kind of healthy energy that fires us up to help in any way we can, whether that’s donating money, clothes, food or time; signing petitions and writing to our leaders, urging them to act on our behalf; welcoming refugees to our shores in any way we can; or sharing messages of support for the Ukrainian people on social and mainstream media.

Anger is like rocket fuel at times like this, as we refuse to be frightened or cowed and stand up to brutality and injustice – as our parents and grandparents did in the Second World War.

Why hatred doesn’t help

But there is one emotion that, although easy to feel at times like these, is not helpful – and that’s hatred. It can be easy to hate Putin, his inner circle, or the oligarchs who have made vast riches by stealing from the Russian people. We can find ourselves hating the soldiers who drop bombs on helpless civilians. You may find yourself hating people on social media, who express pro-Putin or pro-war sentiments.

It’s easy to do. But, however seductive hatred may be, it won’t help anyone or anything. The Buddha taught us this vital message 2,500 years ago. He called hatred a ‘poison of the mind’, because although it’s easy to feel and can be addictive at times of conflict or strife, it’s also toxic, corrosive and highly destructive to both the hater and hated.

Don’t believe me? Try this thought experiment. Think about a time recently when you hated someone – really hated them, deep down in your guts. If it helps, you can close your eyes and imagine you are right there, living through that experience again. Play it out, moment by moment, reliving everything that went through your mind – all the angry, vengeful or even violent thoughts you had about this hated person.

As you do, see if you can feel what it’s like to hate, in your body. You might feel a great upsurge in energy, a burning sensation in your gut or chest, or a bitter taste in your mouth. Your muscles will be hard and tense, ready for action. Your jaw might be clenched and fists tight. Millions of years of evolution are preparing you to fight, possibly even kill, this person you hate so much.

(I know – or at least very much hope – you have no intention of acting on these feelings, but it’s helpful to remember that this is why we feel them, in evolutionary terms. Hatred is inextricably linked to the fight part of your fight-flight-freeze response.)

The cost of hatred

Doesn’t feel so good, does it? This is what the Buddha meant by hostility and hatred poisoning our minds, because they feel so awful when we experience them. They really do feel poisonous in your mind, heart and body. And when we hate it also distorts everything, focusing all of your energies on the hated person’s negative traits, words or actions, forgetting that they are human too, with a mother and father, friends, perhaps a partner and children. They love and are loved. They’re not evil, or a monster, or some kind of subhuman creature. Even Putin. Even Hitler, Stalin or Mao.

Deeply damaged and so damaging of others? Of course. People who need to be stopped, with every non-violent tool we have at our disposal? Absolutely – we need to stand up to Putin, or he will do even more damage. Personally, I would like to see him tried for war crimes at the International Criminal Court, as well as every other tyrant causing suffering around the world.

Anger? Yes. hatred? No

But I refuse to hate him for what he’s doing in Ukraine, because if I do, he has won. The Dalai Lama teaches that we should never let another person’s behaviour disturb our inner peace. And I am trying to be guided by that wisdom, doing everything in my power to help the Ukraininan people, feeling anger, upset, outrage – but never hatred.

I feel so strongly about this that I long ago made a commitment to stop using the word ‘hate’ in my thoughts or speech (around the time I started learning about Buddhism, by the way).

I won’t let Putin or anyone else make me feel that, or break the commitment I made to myself. I refuse to let my mind be poisoned.

Instead, I am sending deep love, compassion, and a heartfelt hope for peace and an end to their suffering to the people of Ukraine.

And my warmest wishes to you, wherever you may be in the world,

Dan

Please donate to Unicef, who are helping children in Ukraine and those fleeing from the conflict in their country

Why You Should Forgive Yourself for Past Mistakes

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‘To err is human; to forgive, divine,’ as Alexander Pope’s famous quote goes. Meaning: we all make mistakes. Everyone does things they regret, feel bad about or wish had never happened. That’s just part of living a beautiful, complicated, messy human life.

But for many of us, the problem comes with forgiving ourselves. If we make a mistake, instead of accepting that’s normal, we beat ourselves up, treating tiny errors like life-changing, unforgivable transgressions. And with that beating up come painful emotions like guilt, regret, anxiety or even shame – the most painful emotion anyone can feel.

So here’s a thought – why not just forgive yourself?

Why it’s so hard to forgive

I know this is easier said than done. And if it was easy, you would do it, right? So let’s break down the reasons so many of us struggle to forgive ourselves, even if we know, rationally, it’s a good idea.

The first reason for being unforgiving with yourself is that you probably feel you don’t deserve it, for some reason. You may have been raised in a family environment that was harsh, critical or that emphasised mental toughness over self-compassion and care. There might have been family rules about ‘pushing through’ or ‘toughing things out’, that made you think it was normal to be harsh with yourself, especially if you made a mistake.

Another reason for being tough on yourself is having a harsh inner Critic, who beats you up for every tiny failing, real or imagined. This Critic is a key focus for treatment in schema therapy, because it’s often a driver of your unhappiness, in various ways. This part is probably not the monster you imagine it to be, because it is trying to motivate you (using the stick, not the carrot) and protect you, by making sure you don’t say or do things that might get you attacked, rejected or hurt. Hard to believe, I know, but it’s true.

In therapy, as we work on this Critic, we also work on helping you be kinder to yourself and more self-compassionate. This will be the topic for our next Heal Your Trauma webinar, so do come along on Saturday 28th May if being compassionate is a struggle for you. Keep an eye on this blog for news about our next event and how to book your place.

Benefits of forgiveness

Even if forgiving yourself is a struggle, it’s important to understand exactly why you shouldn’t give up. I know, both from all of the research and over a decade of practising as a psychotherapist, that when people finally learn to forgive themselves, they can feel deep waves of calm, peacefulness and healing. This can be truly transformative and life-changing, so it’s worth persisting, even if you find it hard right now.

As I always say to my clients, what’s the point of beating yourself up for things that have already happened? You can’t change them, or take them back. You can only learn lessons from them to make sure you don’t make the same mistakes in future.

Another quote for you, from the Dalai Lama, to end with: ‘Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.’

Warm wishes,

Dan

Why Your Temperament Shapes Who You Are

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Temperament may be the most important idea you have never heard about. I say that because so many of my clients have never heard about it, or have a minimal understanding at best. And it’s so important, because the kind of temperament you have really does shape who you are. So, what is it? How does it develop? And can it be changed?

The first thing to understand about temperament is that we all have one – it’s essentially your character, who you are as a person. You are born with a certain kind of temperament – it’s probably mostly genetic – and it stays fairly constant throughout your life.

It’s possible too that early life experiences help shape your temperament, because we know how powerful and formative they are for us as people, but we’re really not sure. What we do know is how to measure it.

If you had your temperament measured by a psychologist, he or she would use around 20 measures, such as passive/aggressive, sensitive/robust, emotional/rational and introvert/extrovert (they would use more complicated jargon for these terms, but this is what they would mean). And where you scored on these 20 items would determine your temperament.

The Highly Sensitive Person

Most of my clients (and most therapists I know) are what psychologist Elaine Aron calls Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs). Around 20% of the population are HSPs, which means they are temperamentally more sensitive than most people. This is crucial, because it determines how much you are affected by everything that happens to you throughout your life, but especially in childhood.

So if (like me) you are an HSP, even fairly mild negative experiences in childhood will really affect you. That’s not your fault, it’s just how you’re wired, in your brain and the rest of your nervous system. You might be more sensitive to sensory inputs like bright lights, loud noises, strong smells or crowds of people. You may find it harder to ‘shrug off’ hurtful, critical comments. You will certainly find it very difficult to ‘stop being so sensitive’ or ‘toughen up’, however often people tell you to do those things.

Can temperament change?

Of course, it’s not just sensitive people who experience traumatic things in their lives. And you don’t need to be highly sensitive to be hurt by things like family dysfunction, being yelled at as a kid, or bullied in school (as I wrote about in a recent post). These experiences are painful for everyone, to a greater or lesser degree.

So can your temperament change? If you are very sensitive, can you become less so? Or the other way round? Well, yes and no. I think your basic temperament does stay fairly consistent throughout your lifetime. A sensitive guy like me is not going to become highly insensitive overnight. But we know that so much about you can change, with the acquisition of knowledge, from blogs like this one, self-help books, therapy sessions, podcasts, and so on.

And, if you have a trauma history, we know that the wounds this causes can be healed, with the right help and support. So I think the answer is, yes, your temperament can change, in some ways – even if your fundamental personality probably won’t.

If you would like to know more about temperament and how it shapes us, especially in the context of trauma, do come along to my webinar on Saturday 26th February: What is Trauma and Can it Be Healed? Just click the button below if you would like to attend – I hope to see you there.

Warm wishes,

Dan

How to Transform Your Life-Limiting Schemas

Image by Darius Bashar

What is a schema? This is a question I have been asked many times in the five years that I have been working as a schema therapist. And my answer usually starts like this… A schema is like a blueprint in your mind, to help you do things quickly and easily that you do a lot. So you probably have schemas for making tea, tying your shoelaces, riding a bike, driving a car, reading a book, and so on.

Think about it like this – if you go to make a cup of tea, you don’t have to thumb through your tea-making handbook every time. You just think, ‘Make tea,’ and you do. That’s how schemas work. And your brain forms many (probably thousands) of these schemas, because it’s always trying to save energy. Your brain uses a great deal of energy as it’s working hard to run your body/life all day – research shows that although it represents just 2% of your body weight, it accounts for 20% of your body’s energy use..

Each schema saves a little bit of energy, so all of these tea-making, shoelace-tying, bike-riding, car-driving, book-reading schemas are very helpful indeed.

Not all schemas are helpful

In the 1990s, Dr Jeffrey Young developed schema therapy – one of a number of new, ‘third wave’ cognitive therapies springing up around the world. Central to his model was the discovery that there are 18 schemas, which are not very helpful. In fact, these schemas can be really painful for us, causing a great deal of problems in our day-to-day lives.

Let’s illustrate this with the most common schema, which is the ‘core schema’ for virtually all of my clients (and the person writing this), Defectiveness. I always tell people that this is the ‘not good enough’ schema, because it’s the one that gets triggered when you have low self-esteem, lose confidence, think we are boring, stupid, weak, rubbish or any other harshly self-critical way of perceiving yourself.

This speaks to key concept number one: that once you have a schema, you will always have it (unless it’s healed), but it won’t always be active. Sometimes your schemas go dormant, which is like them going to sleep. Then something stressful or threatening happens and the schema gets triggered and wakes up. As schemas comprise cognitive, emotional and physiological elements, this means that your thinking can become distorted or otherwise unhelpful, you feel intense feelings like anger, anxiety or hurt, which show up in your body as a burning in your chest, knot in your stomach or a sinking, heavy feeling all over.

How schemas form

So how do these painful schemas develop? Take that Defectiveness schema – if this is one of yours, it probably developed when you were a child, often between the ages of four and six, which is when we start to get ‘cognitive’ as children. Maybe your older brother was way better at everything than you, so you started to think , ‘I’m rubbish at everything - what’s wrong with me?’ Or you had a harsh, critical parent who always told you that you were lazy, or stupid, or a waste of space.

Both through your thoughts about yourself and negative messages received from people around you, the schema started to form in your brain. And neuroscientists teach us that, ‘neurons that fire together, wire together,’ meaning if you think a certain thought 10,000 times, you develop a powerful neural network in your brain, to make thinking that thought easier/energy-saving. And then, 30 years later, you don’t even know it’s a thought, this is just a fundamental truth for you – that you’re lazy or stupid, or some other bad thing.

How schemas heal

I know, this can all seem a bit depressing. But the good news is that schemas can be healed. In fact, there is a whole model of psychotherapy – schema therapy – devoted to exactly that outcome! In my therapy practice, we heal people’s schemas in many ways – through our warm, safe, compassionate relationship; by rewriting a negative, self-critical life story to make it a much kinder, more compassionate (and truthful) story; using techniques like ‘imagery rescripting’ to process painful memories and so gradually weaken the schemas they would otherwise feed on a daily basis.

Helping people with their painful, life-limiting schemas is also one reason I founded Heal Your Trauma. And is one reason I am writing this post – because knowledge is power, so reading blogs like this, attending my webinars, or of course any other helpful/healing resources you come across will all contribute to healing your schemas, rewiring your brain, healing childhood trauma, or whatever words we use to describe it.

I hope that helps – and do watch this space for future posts on this topic.

Warm wishes,

Dan

Why You Keep Falling in the Same Hole – and How to Stop

Image by Ian Taylor

My first counselling training began almost 30 years ago – way back in 1994. Although I was very young (probably a bit too young, in hindsight), I absolutely loved it. The three-year training, in Psychosynthesis – a humanistic/transpersonal model – was so stimulating and exciting. I had never experienced anything like it.

And I remember one of the trainers reading a poem to us and then using it as a metaphor for therapy, which has stuck with me ever since – I recently tracked it down and learned that it was Portia Nelson’s There’s a Hole in My Sidewalk: The Romance of Self-Discovery. I have used this poem/metaphor with hundreds of my clients, so think you will find it helpful. Here’s how it goes.

Part 1: Falling in the hole

Imagine that you’re walking down a road on a lovely sunny day. You feel fine and are enjoying your walk, not heading anywhere special, just ambling down the road. Then, bang. Without warning, you fall into a huge hole in the road.

You lie there, bruised and winded at the bottom of the hole, thinking to yourself, ‘What the hell was that? Where did that stupid hole come from?’

Eventually you manage to climb out of the hole and go on your way, shaken, sore and confused.

Part 2: Falling in the same hole

Months go by. You walk down the same road every day. And every single day you fall into the same damn hole. It’s like Groundhog Day – you never see it coming and it always takes you by complete surprise. You start really hating that hole…

Part 3: seeing the hole but still falling in

Eventually, something changes. Now when you walk down that road, you realise that the hole is there. You even see it as you walk towards it, but – and this is the most maddening bit – you still fall in! And when you find yourself, battered and bruised at the bottom of the hole, you think to yourself, ‘This is making me crazy now! How can I see the stupid hole but still fall in every time? Argh! So annoying!’

Part 4: Hole-enlightenment day

This goes on for way too long. You now hate the hole with a deep and abiding passion. Until, one day, something miraculous happens. On this special day, you walk down the usual road. You see the hole coming. You walk closer. And closer. And closer. Until, just as you’re about to fall in again, you think to yourself. ‘Wait a damn minute. I know you, hole! And do you know what? I have had enough of the falling. And the bruising. And the being shaken.’

So you do something quietly wonderful. You see the hole, decide to walk around it, then do just that. On you go with your journey, feeling deep-down-in-your-bones happy and proud of yourself.

So what does all that mean?

Here’s why I have told that story hundreds of times over the years. It’s because this is how the therapy process – and any kind of personal growth – works. At first, you get triggered by things you don’t even know are there, or are triggers, or even what a trigger is! So of course you keep falling in the same wretched holes, because you don’t know they exist.

Your holes might be the same as mine, or they might be different. So one of my holes/triggers is narcissistic people, especially men. People with this kind of personality can often be harshly critical, or demeaning, or shut you down rudely and insensitively. And one of my family members did that to me a lot as a child. So just being around a person like this is triggering for my young, hurt parts – because they expect to be hurt again.

It took me a long time (and a lot of therapy) to learn this, but now I know that this is one of my holes so I – mostly – manage not to fall in.

Achieving hole-enlightenment

Of course, the oh-so-glorious day is the one where you see the hole but manage not to fall in this time, instead walking around it and carrying on, with a huge smile on your face. But that takes time. It takes a lot of learning. A great deal of compassionate support. And all of this is especially true if you have a trauma history because, sadly, you will have more holes than most people, they will be bigger and deeper, and it will be even harder to learn not to fall in.

But, as I am always explaining in these posts, just because it’s harder for you doesn’t mean it’s impossible. I passionately believe that everyone can heal, including you. That’s because we have a range of life-changing, trauma-informed therapies at our disposal now, as well as a wealth of knowledge about the mind, brain, body and nervous system, what happens to them during trauma – and, crucially, how to heal those wounds.

If you would like to know more about all of this, start by reading my website and Heal Your Trauma Blog, which contains a huge amount of information about trauma and mental health in general. You could also come along to my first Heal Your Trauma webinar, What is Trauma and Can it Be Healed?, on Saturday 26th February, 2022. You can book your place, for just £49, using the button below.

I hope to see you there – and good luck with those holes!

Warm wishes,

Dan

Why Self-Compassion is a Superpower

Image by Rui Xu

Let me take a guess about you. I bet you’re a kind person. And that you’re good at thinking about, caring for and looking after other people. You may even be called ‘kind’ or ‘compassionate’ by those who know you.

But I’ll also guess that you’re not very good at being kind or compassionate to yourself.

Does this resonate for you? If so, you are definitely not alone. Most people I work with are decent, kind, thoughtful human beings. But they also find the whole concept of self-compassion at best a struggle and at worst completely alien. And this is a big problem, because there is now a huge amount of research into the beneficial effects of compassion – both for ourselves and others – and its antidote-like effect for all of the psychological problems we struggle with, like stress, anxiety, depression, low self-esteem…. and trauma.

So it’s a key skill, or set of skills, that you really need to learn. And if developing this healing superpower is a problem for you, we need to help you solve that.

How trauma affects self-compassion

Sadly, we know that people with a trauma history find self-compassion especially tough. There are a whole host of reasons for this, so let’s run through some of the most common.

First, your ability to be kind, compassionate, soothing and nurturing to yourself will be determined by the kind of relationships you had in early childhood, especially with your key attachment figures (for most of us, this is mum and dad, but can also include your siblings, grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, best friends, favourite teachers, and so on). Let’s focus on your relationship with mum, because for most of us she is the central character in the story of our childhood.

Remember that babies cannot manage their own emotions. They just don’t have the neural architecture to do that because their brains, bodies and nervous systems are not developed yet, so they literally cannot do it. If they are angry, upset or scared, they need someone else to help them regulate those emotions. And for most of us that someone is mum. If we’re lucky, we internalise her loving, caring, soothing presence (her kind facial expression, warm and soothing voice tone, kind words, just enough eye contact, lots of hugs and kisses) and eventually internalise all this goodness, so we are able to start soothing ourselves. Babies can’t do that, but older children can.

But, very sadly, many trauma survivors were not loved and cared for in this way. Their parents might have been heavy drinkers, or had a serious mental illness, or were just really harsh, cold, angry or critical. If that’s true of you, I’m afraid you wouldn’t have developed those self-soothing (= self-compassion) skills in the way that other, lucky kids did. So self-compassion would be a struggle for you from day one.

Negative core beliefs

Another problem for trauma survivors is that you may have negative core beliefs that get in the way of being kind and compassionate to yourself. Aaron Beck, the founder of cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT) discovered that these beliefs usually form in early childhood, from around four to six. They can either be a direct result of the horrible things people say to us, if we’re called stupid, lazy, weak, a waste of space, or something similarly hurtful. Or they are an interpretation based on the way we’re being treated, so we start to think, say, ‘Mum clearly loves Johnny more than me, so I must be unlovable.’

And these horrible, hurtful ideas about yourself then stick, so when you are 40, you still think, ‘I am stupid/lazy/a waste of space/unlovable.’ Clearly not good – and also a huge, un-climbable barrier to treating yourself with care and compassion.

Finally, some good news

So far, so depressing. If some or all of these things were true of you, at this point you might be feeling hopeless, or that you are broken beyond repair and will never develop self-compassion skills. But, as anyone who often reads my posts will know, one of my core beliefs (and a founding principle of the Heal Your Trauma project) is, It’s never too much and never too late to heal.

I passionately believe this. It’s why I get out of bed every morning and come to the office, where I spend long days helping trauma survivors to overcome the painful legacy of their less-than-functional childhoods. It’s also, incidentally, something I have lived experience of. I recently wrote a post about how I healed the wounds caused by some horrible bullying at school – one of many traumatic aspects of my childhood.

This childhood trauma led me to form some pretty damaging core beliefs – and to be really harsh, critical and unloving with myself. But through a great deal of therapy, meditation, reading and more, I now do a pretty good job of being kind and compassionate to myself on a daily basis (which is why I provide all of these things for you, through Heal Your Trauma).

I will be teaching you some of the breathing techniques, self-compassion practices and guided imagery I use with my clients (and myself) on my 26th February webinar, What is Trauma and Can it Be Healed? If you would like to be more compassionate to yourself, do click the button below to find out more.

I hope to see you there, or at one of the many exciting Heal Your Trauma events we have planned for 2022.

And wishing you luck on your healing journey.

Warm wishes,

Dan

Why (Good) Friends are Key for Your Mental Health

Image by Kingsley Osei-Abrah

Imagine being an eight-year-old on holiday, making sandcastles on the beach. Then another kid shyly approaches and asks if they can help. They have their own bucket and spade, are about your age and seem friendly enough, so you say, Sure. You probably don’t talk much, just dig, fetch seawater for the moat, focus on building your indomitable sand fortress. Then mum says it’s time to go, so you take one last, longing look at your construction and wave goodbye to the other kid.

The next day, as you start over, the same kid sidles up. And again, you probably don’t say too much, but spend the whole day digging, carrying, pouring, building. By the end of that day, you are firm friends – and every day for the rest of your holidays you hang out, gradually chatting more about inconsequential stuff, but things that might seem very important for a pair of eight-year-olds.

After the holiday, you might stay in touch or you might not (that’s up to both of your parents, really). Either way, you made a friend and, whether that was a holiday friend or a long-term friend, it felt good, right? You probably didn’t think too much about it, but you both had fun, you got on, neither of you did anything especially annoying. And that was enough.

We are wired for friendship

It felt good because, apart from the simple pleasures of sandcastle-building together, something much deeper was going on. When that kid shyly asked to help, your brain quickly checked him out and put him into one of two categories: threatening or safe. If he had been a hulking teenager kicking your castle to bits, you would have put him in category one and called your parents to protect you. But this kid was small, friendly and nice, so you gave him a ‘safe’ badge and got busy playing.

This might seem simplistic, but it’s what we do, all the time, with every person we ever meet. Your nervous system is constantly checking people (and situations) out to decide whether they are threatening or safe. If they are threatening (or just seem that way) your threat system kicks in, as your fight-flight-freeze response is triggered and you act, quickly and decisively, to deal with the threat.

But if someone seems warm, friendly, open, kind, trusting, nice or is sending a whole bunch of other safe-seeming signals, an equally powerful system comes online: your attachment system. And while the threat system says, Go away! your attachment system says, Get closer. This is how we make friends, whether we are eight years old on a beach, an adolescent at school, or young adult at college.

And we are wired for this – to attach, get closer, hug, love, commit, be open and intimate. Attaching like this is in your DNA, because your ancestors on this planet have been doing it since mammals first walked the Earth, because humans, like other mammals, are wired for attachment. It’s why cats and dogs care for and feed their young, keeping them close until they are old enough to fend for themselves (it’s also why sea turtles do not, just laying their eggs on a beach before heading back out to sea – no attachment system).

When relationships are hard

Of course, for many of us, making friends and forming lasting relationships is not so easy. If you have a trauma history, this may be especially true for you. That’s because your attachment system probably didn’t get the warm, positive, loving responses it needed when you were young. If your parent or other caregiver was angry, anxious, unpredictable, unreliable or downright hurtful to you, the person who was supposed to be your warm, safe, loving attachment figure was none of those things. Instead, their behaviour fired up your threat system, which is essentially the opposite of your attachment system in terms of how it makes you think, feel and behave.

So your attachment style (how you relate to other people) is probably not secure, unlike our eight-year-old’s on the beach. This style might be some form of insecure attachment, either anxious, avoidant or disorganised (which is basically a mixture of the two). This will make it hard to form friendships and romantic relationships; it might also make it difficult to fit in and feel relaxed among fellow students or colleagues, especially if they are new. Many of my clients struggle with all of these different types of relationship.

But, as I am always telling them, the good news is that your attachment style is not set or fixed. It can change throughout your lifetime. So if you have, say, an anxious attachment style, it can become more secure throughout your life. How? Well, an attachment-based therapy, like schema therapy, is designed to help with that. A long-term romantic relationship – especially with a partner who has a secure attachment style – will also help a great deal.

Keep working and everything can change

So, as I am always emphasising in these posts, however bad it was for you as a child – and if your childhood in no way resembled that idyllic holiday scene, above – and however hard you have found it to form warm, close, long-term relationships, please remember that this is not a life sentence. It can change, if you put the work in – and get help from the right person.

Keep going, even if it’s a struggle at first. Don’t give up if you try dating, for example, and it doesn’t go well. Eventually you will find the right person for you. Keep working at those friendships too, because the rewards, long-term, are absolutely worth the effort. And better to have one or two close friends than a whole bunch of superficial friendships, or relationships with people who don’t make you feel good.

You deserve love, warmth, intimacy and happiness with your fellow humans as much as any other person on this planet. I very much hope you find all of them soon.

Warm wishes,

Dan

Book Your Place on the First Heal Your Trauma Webinar

If you have a trauma history, or care about someone who does, book your place on a live, two-hour Zoom webinar with Dan Roberts, Advanced Accredited Schema Therapist, Trainer & Supervisor and Founder of Heal Your Trauma. What is Trauma and Can it Be Healed? is the first of a series of regular webinars presented by Dan Roberts throughout 2022.

This event, which will be both highly informative and experiential, will take place from 3-5pm on Saturday 26th February 2022 and costs just £49 to attend live, as well as gaining exclusive access to a video of the event, to watch whenever you like.

What is Trauma and Can it Be Healed? features two hours of teaching and powerful exercises that will help you feel calmer and more relaxed, presented by Dan Roberts, a leading expert on trauma and mental health.

In this powerful, highly experiential webinar you will learn:

• Why a wide range of events can be traumatising for us, especially when we are young

• Why trauma describes both the traumatic event and its impact on the mind, brain and body

• Why it’s crucial to understand the role of the nervous system, which is often ‘dysregulated’ in trauma survivors and needs help to come back into a regulated, calm state

• Powerful practices to help you feel calmer and more at peace, including one of the most effective and fast-acting breathing techniques available

• Why it’s essential to find a trauma-informed therapist; and why standard counselling and psychotherapy can be unhelpful for trauma survivors

• The importance of kindness and compassion for yourself and others – and how to generate these powerful, deeply healing ways of thinking and feeling, even if you have found this difficult throughout your life

Don’t miss this chance to learn from a leading trauma therapist and expert on mental health and wellbeing – watch the video for more information and book your place now using the button below.

Warm wishes,

Dan

Rethinking Your New Year's Resolutions

Image by Elisha Terada

Every year, as we approach 1st January, people ask me, ‘What are your resolutions this year?’ And I always tell them that new year’s resolutions are not my cup of tea.

It’s not that I’m against them, per se – if you’re making resolutions that’s great, I very much hope they go well for you. It just seems like a slightly odd idea to me – that, on one day out of 365, we set ourselves some goals, most of which are forgotten by the end of January.

For example, so many people make resolutions about getting fitter, which is great. Or losing weight, which is (usually) a good idea. So they sign up for an expensive gym membership, go every day for a week and then lose interest and never go again.

Goals for life, not just the new year

Now this doesn’t mean I am against change, or growth, or setting yourself helpful goals. Far from it. In fact, my whole life is about helping people change! I am deeply passionate about this and spend most of my waking hours writing, teaching and providing therapy sessions where I do everything in my power to help people change and grow.

I just think that these kinds of changes – becoming calmer and less anxious, say, or becoming fitter and healthier – require slow, incremental and sustained effort. The kind of effort that needs lifelong goals, not the kind that sparkle like NYE fireworks and then fizzle out just as fast. So here are a few of my guidelines for setting goals that have a good chance of surviving past February.

1. Make sure your goals are realistic. It’s so easy to set ourselves overly ambitious goals, like losing 20kg, or going to the gym every day. And then we really go for it – hitting the treadmill and weights, giving up cake, doing Dry January – but only lose 3kg, get disheartened and give up.

   If you really need, for health or medical reasons, to lose 20kg, why not aim to do that by the end of 2022? You can then lose around 2kg a month, which is a realistic goal for sustainable weight loss, according to the US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). And with each 2kg lost, you feel good about yourself, your confidence grows and that spurs you on to keep exercising and eating more healthily. It’s a win-win.

2. Set yourself kind goals. We have all been through two years now that have been unprecedented in terms of stress, anxiety and daily challenges. As someone who has (thankfully) never experienced a world war, I have known nothing like this in my lifetime. And now I think we are all just exhausted, mentally, physically and emotionally. So why not make your goals for 2022 all about kindness and compassion.

   If you don’t have a daily meditation practice, getting started now would be a great idea – I have recorded a collection of guided meditations on Insight Timer, which you might enjoy. They are all free, or payable by donation, if you wish. And there are thousands of other excellent teachers on this app, all offering meditations for free. Other apps such as Calm and Headspace are great; or you could try one of the eight-week mindfulness courses, like mindfulness-based stress reduction, which is a great way to kickstart your daily practice.

   How about setting a goal of doing one kind thing for yourself every day? Or taking compassionate action for a cause that most affects you, such as protecting the rainforest, or raising money for refugees, who arrive penniless and often traumatised on our shores. Taking compassionate action like this is a win-win, because it helps the people or cause you’re passionate about, as well as stimulating activity in your brain that will help with mental-health problems like anxiety or depression.

3. Avoid the happiness trap. I know this falls into the no-brainer category, but believing that you should be happy all the time is an easy myth to buy into and then spend your life pursuing. Happiness is a lovely but fleeting state, that by its very nature can’t last for long. It’s like a beautiful butterfly that settles onto your arm for a few seconds, displaying its gorgeous colours for your visual delectation, before flapping off again.

   Instead of spending your life chasing after butterflies (pleasurable but temporary emotional states), why not try to be happier. Less anxious or depressed. Calmer. Stronger. You get the picture. Like losing 1kg a month, this is achievable, even if you have a trauma history and struggle to feel these positive emotions. We can all feel a bit happier, with persistent effort and the right kind of support, so seek something realistic and achievable and you’re much more likely to find it than that elusive butterfly.

   And the Buddha taught us, 2,500 years ago, that a great deal of our suffering is caused by chasing after pleasurable experiences (which he called attachment) and trying to avoid unpleasant ones (aversion). Happiness is just one of the many colours of our emotional rainbow – feeling all of those emotions, without grasping on to them or trying to push them away, is the secret of deep and lasting balance, contentment and a meaningful life.

I hope that helps. And let me take this opportunity to wish you a much-improved year ahead. It’s been a rough couple of years for everyone, so (surely!) things can only get better in 2022. Sending you love and hopeful thoughts, wherever you are in the world.

Warm wishes,

Dan

What is the Fight-Flight-Freeze Response?

Image by Scott Carroll

Although many of us are now city-dwellers, living technologically advanced lives, for the vast majority of our time on Earth we did not live this way. For millions of years, humans lived as hunter-gatherers in small tribal groups. These people lived in villages surrounded by barriers to keep all of the hungry animals and enemy tribes out. Being human was a highly dangerous existence, which is one reason our ancestors didn’t live that long.

Those that did survive had extremely sensitive threat systems in their brains, which were constantly scanning for danger – hungry lions, venomous snakes or club-wielding enemies. And when the amygdala, the part of the brain that scans for threat, detected something worrying, it triggered the fight-flight-freeze response, our three main options for survival when we are under threat.

Now although you may be reading this on your smartphone or laptop, and presumably (hopefully!) you are not surrounded by hungry wild animals, your brain hasn’t changed a great deal since your ancestors lived on the savannah. And that threat system hasn’t changed at all – in fact, your threat system is the same as that of the cute deer in the photo, cats, wolves, lizards, even dinosaurs, because it works so well that evolution didn’t need to change it.

When your brain says fight

If you experienced trauma as a child, or had a single traumatic incident as an adult, unfortunately the threat system in your brain will be highly oversensitive and your amygdala will be on red alert, over-reacting to even minor stressors. This is one reason that trauma survivors are often hypervigilant, reacting to fairly neutral or benign situations as if their life is in danger. That’s because it feels as if your life is in danger, so you go into emergency-action mode to survive.

If your threat system decides a fight response is the best way to survive that threat, it gives you a big jolt of anger to warn you that something is wrong and it’s time to act. At the same time, your breathing changes to take in more oxygen and your heart speeds up to pump oxygenated blood to your major muscles. That, plus the adrenaline and cortisol in your bloodstream, gives you strength and energy to fight (or flee, which involves a similar mobilisation in your body). You fight off the hungry wolf or enemy tribesman, the threat passes and you calm down.

…Or flee

Unfortunately, if you are a trauma survivor, one of the common consequences is that your sympathetic nervous system (the ‘go’ system that helps us be energised or active) stays jammed on. So even when the threat has passed, you still feel agitated and unsafe. If you feel anxious and like you want to run, escape or avoid the stressful situation, your flight response has been triggered.

This happens when your threat system decides that running is a better option than fighting, so you get a big jolt of anxiety, roughly the same mobilising process in your body as with a fight response, and you run. This is why avoidance is inextricably linked with anxiety, because avoiding the party, meeting, first date, etc is a form of running away from it.

…Or freeze

If your brain decides that you can’t fight or run from the threat, especially if you feel trapped or helpless, it activates the freeze response. Imagine you are a small child, with an angry, shouty parent – you can’t fight them, because you’re too small. And you can’t run, because there’s nowhere to go. So you freeze, which might feel like being stuck or paralysed, your mind going blank, or feeling spacey, numb or empty inside.

This is a common reaction when people are in a single-incident trauma like a mugging, car crash or industrial accident. We can get so overwhelmed that we freeze, even though we know we should fight the mugger or run out of the factory. It’s a horrible feeling – and a common factor in post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), because people beat themselves up about not taking action, which interrupts the normal post-traumatic healing process.

I will write in more detail about each of these responses, how they link to trauma, and what we can do to help ourselves overcome them, in future posts. But for now, I hope that gives you some understanding of what’s happening in your brain, body and nervous system when you respond in one of these three ways. As I always tell my clients, knowledge is power – it’s the first step in understanding and healing from your trauma.

Warm wishes,

Dan

How to Stay Sane in the Age of Social Media

Image by Marvin Meyer

When you think about it, our relationship with technology is a strange thing. Sometimes I walk down the road, or travel on the Tube – and every single person I see is staring at their phone.

How did that happen? In the space of just a few years, we have gone from a species that talked to each other, read books or the newspaper, or perhaps just stared into space and daydreamed of our next holiday, or a date with that gorgeous new guy at work, to a species that is glued to some form of screen, pretty much every waking moment of our lives.

Very strange. It’s particularly odd when you also understand that the human brain is just not built for all this digital stimulation. Your brain, and mine, are built for the environment that our ancestors lived in for millions of years. Living in small bands, out in the wilderness, in total silence apart from weather, birdsong, the humming of insects and cries of larger animals.

No phones. No TVs. No radios, even. So all of our stimulation came from Nature – watching the sunset, summer meadows bursting with wildflowers, or hazy mountains in the distance. And from each other, of course. Our brains are so strongly wired to be social that many neuroscientists see the brain as something that exists both within and between us – a ‘social brain’ that needs inputs from other brains to function optimally.

The social media boom

One of the strangest – and, I think, trickiest – aspects of this digital revolution is the recent boom in social media consumption. A quick Google search tells me that there are currently 206 million Twitter users worldwide, a billion people on Instagram and almost three billion Facebook users! That’s over a third of the 7.9 billion people currently living on our planet.

In many ways, this has been a positive thing for humanity. Think about those social brains, primed to interact and share information with others. It’s one reason we use all of these social media platforms, so we can share photos of our holiday on Facebook, for example, or wedding shots on Instagram. This helps us feel bonded with those we love, which can only be a good thing.

But, as has been well-documented, all of this social-media use has some major downsides. I think many people over-share, desperately seeking likes, retweets and other dopamine-inducing activity. This worries me, as s people don’t seem to realise that once you share something on the internet it’s out there, forever.

So what might seem like a good idea when you’re 20 (all those wild festival photos, or drunken holiday antics with your mates), may not feel so good when you’re 30 and applying for some serious job.

Protecting your mental health online

As the internet, smartphones and social media are likely to be a fixture in our lives for many years, here are a few guidelines for navigating this tricky territory safely, for yourself and others…

1. You’re not always right – and other people are not always wrong. One of the most damaging aspects of, say, Twitter, is that it pushes us to adopt binary, right-or-wrong, black-or-white positions. We feel passionately about our position, as a pro- or anti-vaxxer, for example, which quickly leads to being in a camp of us or them.

   It’s fine to have strong opinions and even to express them, in whatever way feels good for you. I am a passionately political person, with strong views on all sorts of stuff. But I never get into arguments on Twitter. If someone politely disagrees with me, that is perfectly OK. If they are rude, aggressive or offensive, I immediately block them (and report them if necessary) and move on. Angry Twitter rants are destructive to your mental health and, I’m afraid, will almost never persuade them to change their minds.

2. Spread kindness, not hostility. Imagine if, instead of us all getting angry and ranty all the time, we instead tweeted, retweeted and generally posted positive, kind, compassionate messages. The ripple effect of this would be a beautiful thing – everyone actually being nice to each other, praising, liking, encouraging… (It’s a little idealistic, I know, but why not dream?).

   At the very least, we can politely disagree with those whose views are different. And I think we did, a lot more, before social media swept across the internet and into our lives. For example, I am very much a left-wing person and always have been. I have voted Labour in every election since I was 18.

   But I am always interested in other people’s views, as long as they are not too extreme or hateful. I’m curious about those who disagree with me and why they think what they do. Sometimes I have to admit that, on a particular issue, their view makes more sense than mine, however irksome that may be. If we all had a bit more tolerance of difference, the world would undoubtedly be a better, kinder, less angry place.

3. Trauma-informed social media use. If you have a trauma history, social media can be especially difficult. My first suggestion would be to go easy on the news in your feed, especially about scary or upsetting events that are out of your control. We all consume far too much violent, negative media – news stories, TV programmes, movies, books and video games. And it has an effect, particularly if trauma is in your background. So limit your news diet, especially if you are struggling with your mental health in any way.

   Points one and two are especially true for you – please don’t get involved with people who are abusive or aggressive. Block, delete and move on.

Tread lightly around areas that might be triggering for you. If you experienced abuse of any kind as a child, reading/hearing about/watching anything on that theme might be really tough, so be kind to yourself and if it’s making you uncomfortable, step away from the screen. We don’t have to know about or be on top of every issue, or breaking news story, so it’s fine to let something slide by and do something that feels more nourishing for you instead.

Finally, it’s important to figure out what the Buddha called the ‘middle way’ with all of this. Most of us use social media in some fashion, so it’s hard to go cold turkey and give it up completely. There are lots of kind, decent people online – because most people are kind and decent, even if it doesn’t always seem that way on Facebook or Twitter.

There are also lots of stories about inspiring, uplifting, hope-inducing things, so try to focus on those and go easy on the angry, upsetting stuff. Life’s hard enough already without looking at the world through a cracked, distorted, designed-to-outrage lens.

Warm wishes,

Dan

Watch My New Heal Your Trauma Video: What is Trauma?

We hear the word ‘trauma’ used often these days – in the mainstream media and on social media, by experts, celebrities and normal, everyday people who have gone through traumatic events. But what do we mean by psychological trauma? Which kinds of experiences can be traumatic for us? What are the short- and long-term effects of those experiences? And, crucially, can traumatic wounds ever be healed?

In the first of a series of short webinars I will be recording for my YouTube channel, I attempt to answer the above questions. In this 20-minute webinar I explain:

• Why I think that the standard clinical definitions of trauma are too narrow

• Why traumatic events don’t necessarily cause post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) or complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD)

• How trauma affects every level of your mind-body system

• And, most importantly, why it is never too much and never too late to heal, whatever you might have gone through and however wounded you may be as a result

I am currently working on a series of full-length webinars for my Heal Your Trauma project, which you will be able to watch either live, or access the recording to watch at a later date. In the meantime, do check out my YouTube channel, listen to my guided meditations on Insight Timer, and you can sign up for my newsletter, using the form below, so you can be the first to hear about these resources as I make them available.

I very much hope you enjoy the webinar and find it helpful.

Warm wishes,

Dan

Try This Imagery Technique to Feel Calmer and More Peaceful

Image by Jailam Rashad

If you have a trauma history, you may struggle to feel calm and safe in the world. You might find that you only feel safe in your home – or that even there you often feel anxious, or a sense of dread, as if something bad is always about to happen.

Although, of course, this is horrible, it’s not unusual. In fact, if you have grown up in an environment that was not safe, or where bad things often did happen, it makes total sense to feel this way as an adult – the little boy or girl inside you still feels unsafe, even when the traumatic experiences happened many years ago.

As part of the long, slow process of helping my clients feel safer, I always include the Safe Place imagery. This simple but powerful imagery technique was developed by Paul Gilbert, the founder of compassion-focused therapy. It is often incorporated into schema therapy as it is so helpful for people struggling with anxiety or trauma-related feelings of threat, or for those struggling to feel safe, even in apparently safe environments.

I have recorded this imagery for Insight Timer (listen to that recording here), but here is a step-by-step guide you can either read and record for yourself, or get a trusted friend, family member or therapist to record for you so that you can play it whenever you need to.

Safe Place Imagery

• Start by imagining a safe place. This might be somewhere you have visited, such as a beautiful beach, forest or mountain meadow. It could also be somewhere that feels safe and comfortable for you, such as a cosy room in your house, or a place in Nature where you walk your dog. Sometimes, especially if you are a trauma survivor, you might not be able to think of anywhere that feels safe – in that case, create an imaginary place that feels as safe as possible.

• Ideally, you should be alone in your safe place, with no potentially triggering people visiting; although feel free to take pets or calm, supportive people with you. And it should be warm, as warmth is soothing and comforting for your brain. Close your eyes and ‘be there’ as vividly as possible. Explore your safe place, using all of your senses – what can you see, hear, feel, smell, taste and touch? If it’s a beach you could visualise the beautiful turquoise sea, golden sands and blue skies, hear the gulls and breeze rustling palm fronds, feel the sand between your toes… The more sensory information the better, as this convinces your brain that you are actually on that beach, or in the beautiful meadow.

• Keep reminding yourself that this is your safe place, using words like ‘calm’ and ‘peaceful’. Mindfully focus on the somatic sensations of calmness, peacefulness and safety in your body. Also, remember that this place itself takes pleasure in you being there (many trauma survivors were never cherished or shown love, so this often feels very good).

• End the imagery by reminding yourself that this place is always here for you, just waiting for you to visit. If you’re feeling stressed or anxious, you can just close your eyes and visit for a minute or two (like having a mini-holiday) before re-engaging with the world. Then let the image fade away until it’s gone, take a deep breath and open your eyes.

I hope you find this imagery helpful – and that, over time, it helps you feel a little calmer, safer and more at peace in your day-to-day life.

Warm wishes,

Dan

Which Part of You is Driving Your Bus?

Image by David Henderson

When my clients tell me, ‘I really hate myself today!’ or ‘I need him to call me, even though I know he will just hurt me again,’ I often ask them, ‘Which I?’. So, which I hates and which feels hated? And which I is so attached to this guy that she doesn’t care if she’s hurt – or perhaps finds that hurt familiar, because it reminds her of her painful relationship with mum or dad.

And people often look at me with a bewildered expression on their face, because we are all used to thinking of ourselves as just me. So of course, I feel like I am Dan all the time. I think Dan thoughts and have Dan experiences and everyone who speaks to me calls me Dan. Just me. Just one, homogeneous self.

We all have many parts

But we now know that this is not how the human brain works. Your brain creates many selves, which fulfill different roles in your internal system. For example, you may have a self that goes to work every day, even when you would rather stay in bed, and can be assertive and deal with your prickly, critical boss. But you have another self that is much less confident and secure when you are in romantic relationships (which is, of course, deeply frustrating and mystifying! ‘Why am I so confident at work but crumble when my boyfriend’s mean to me?’).

You find yourself feeling and behaving differently when you go back to your family home, when you are with this (kind, supportive) or that (abrasive, critical) friend, and so on. You have many selves, or parts (and in schema therapy we call these modes). This is just how the brain works, even if we are fairly healthy and high-functioning.

But if you have experienced trauma, your brain will have created many more parts to help you cope. One part may hold particular traumatic memories, enabling you to get on with school, or work, without being flooded by painful memories and feelings all the time. Another part makes you drink to numb painful emotions. Another might push you to self-harm, or restrict food, or whatever it is you need to get through the day.

We know that trauma survivors have many parts and that these parts might be more separate and distinct than for those lucky enough not to have experienced trauma. At its most extreme, this separation of parts leads to a dissociative disorder, where people frequently move between their parts, with little awareness of this change or the other parts in their system, which clearly makes life very difficult. This can lead to ‘dissociative amnesia’, where people lose parts of their day, not remembering where they have been or what they were doing.

One bus, many passengers

Whether you are a trauma survivor or not, it’s helpful to know the bus metaphor, which my clients really like. It goes like this… There you are, driving along, with all of your parts on board a bus. There may be one or more child parts, some happy, some sad, some running around and causing all sorts of trouble. There might be a Critical Part, giving you a hard time about something or other.

Maybe there is an avoidant part, who doesn’t want to be on the bus at all – too many people! Too much noise! Or even an entitled part, who thinks he’s pretty great (certainly better than all the other loser parts on the bus). The point is, all of these parts are on your bus. And you need to make them all welcome, whether you like them or not, because they’re not getting off any time soon!

But there is only one part you want driving the bus – and that’s your Healthy Adult. He or she is the strong, resilient, mature, wise part that knows what’s best for you. And loves you – even those parts of you that are a bit hard to love. And your Healthy Adult is, or should be, in charge of all the other noisy, opinionated, impulsive parts – like the teacher in a nursery, or parent of a large family. The kids can have their say, but mum or dad should be the one making all the big decisions.

Don’t let these guys drive

Because if the angry part if driving, you might find yourself letting your irritation bubble up and snapping at your kids, which feels horrible. Or if the part who wants you to drink is at the wheel, you find yourself in the pub, alone, on a sunny Saturday morning, drowning your sorrows. And if the Critical Part is driving, it will park up, turn around and berate you about your latest ‘failing’ for an hour.

You get the idea. All of your parts are welcome to be passengers on your bus. They can all shout out ideas, opinions, suggestions. And your Healthy Adult listens, takes note, then he or she makes the decisions. Wisely. Calmly. Sensibly. And so you drive off down a road that leads to a happier, more fulfilling life – not the familiar roads that end up in dead ends or dark alleys.

If you want to know more about how to help your Healthy Adult take charge, do keep reading my blog (for example, here’s a post about using mindfulness to quiet a noisy mind), see a good schema therapist; or check out Internal Family Systems therapy, another great model which is all about getting to know, integrate and have compassion for every part in your system.

Warm wishes,

Dan

What Are Core Needs in Schema Therapy?

Image by Eka P Amdela

One of the most important ideas in schema therapy is that all children have core developmental needs. These needs are the same whether you grow up in Tottenham or Tanzania, whether you’re male or female, raised in the 18th or 21st century. All human children have the same needs.

Think of these needs as nutrients that we all require to grow up strong, resilient and healthy. It’s like a plant – every plant needs certain nutrients to thrive. They need water, sunlight, minerals in the soil, carbon dioxide in the air, the right temperature and growing conditions. If plants get these nutrients, they thrive. If not, they fail to grow properly and can be small or spindly.

So what are these core needs? There are five, listed in order of importance:

1. Love and a secure attachment

Attachment theory is one of the best-researched fields in psychology. Pioneered by John Bowlby, a British psychologist and psychoanalyst, attachment theory tells us that all babies are born hard-wired to attach, first to their mother, then father, siblings, grandparents, and so on. Ideally, babies form a secure attachment, meaning they feel strongly bonded, comfortable and deeply loved by mum.

Sadly, many babies don’t experience this, for all sorts of reasons, so they develop an insecure attachment style – either anxious or avoidant attachment. If this is true of you, you might struggle to form close bonds or romantic relationships as an adult. This attachment style stays with us for life, unless we do something (like therapy, or finding a loving partner) to change it.

2. Safety and protection

This one is self-explanatory. We all need to feel safe and protected, from infancy onwards. If your family environment either was or just felt unsafe, you might have problems with anxiety, or be a worrier. You may develop a Mistrust/Abuse schema and find it hard to trust people. Or you might cling to others, especially if they seem stronger than you.

3. Being valued as a unique human being

As I always tell my clients, this is not about being special, getting all As at school or being the smartest/prettiest/most popular kid. It’s just about being loved for who you are. Just you, with all your strengths and weaknesses, likeable and less likeable bits, imperfectly perfect, like every other child. If this need is not met, you might develop a Defectiveness schema, feeling you are not good enough, dislikable or unworthy in some way.

4. The ability to be spontaneous and play

All children (and other young animals) learn through play. But some parents are not comfortable with their kids being playful, spontaneous or silly. They might shout at or critcise their kids if they are being ‘too rambunctious’ or ‘foolish’. And the kids quickly learn to stifle their natural – and hugely important – instincts to run and laugh and play.

In adulthood, this can mean being overly serious, struggling to be playful or have fun. And this can cause problems in relationships, especially if your partner is healthily playful and silly. You may need to develop your Happy Child – one of the key modes in schema therapy.

5. Boundaries and being taught right from wrong

All kids need to learn to respect other people. That they are not the centre of the universe. That their parents, not them, are in charge and get to make the big decisions. This does not mean smacking, yelling, shaming or hurting kids in any way. It just means helping them grow up to be thoughtful, respectful, decent human beings.

If this need is not met, you may develop an Entitlement schema and feel you are special, better than other people and deserve to have exactly what you want whenever you want it. That will clearly cause problems for you and everyone close to you, so needs work in therapy if true.

I hope that’s useful to understand. Remember that if any of your needs were not met as a child, and you formed painful schemas as a result, none of that is fixed or set in stone. Reading blogs like this one (or the fantastic blog/schema therapy resources at Secure Nest), or self-help books, getting therapy, forming loving relationships – these will all help you get those needs met as an adult. Wishing you all the best with that journey.

Warm wishes,

Dan