How to Comfort and Reassure the Anxious Child Inside You

Image by Joseph Gonzalez

Whenever my clients tell me they are feeling anxious, after validating their feelings, my favourite question is, ‘Which I is feeling that way?’ Sometimes (especially if they are new) they look at me with a baffled expression, so I clarify by saying, ‘I’m wondering which part of you is feeling anxious? I know it’s not your Healthy Adult, because she just stood up to your boss when he was shouting at you. So who is it?’

And then they get it, so they say, ‘Oh right, it’s little me who’s scared.’

This may seem a bit pedantic, but it’s so important. When we say, ‘I’m scared/worried/stressed/panicky/lonely/overwhelmed’ we are saying that every part of us feels that way. Problem one: this isn’t true. And problem two: it means we are ignoring or missing the part of us that is not feeling any of that stuff, or perhaps just mild discomfort rather than huge and overwhelming feelings. In schema therapy we call this part the Healthy Adult. Freud called it the ego. In internal family systems it’s the Self, compassion-focused therapists would name this part the Compassionate Self, Buddhists speak of Buddha Nature, and so on.

In my opinion, it doesn’t really matter, as long as we are aware that we are not just one homogenous blob of a personality – just Dan, or David, or Daisy. Research by neuroscientists has proved beyond doubt that there are many parts of us – it’s just how your brain forms your personality, starting from birth.

And we also need to grasp the idea that there is a rich, powerful, healing resource, somewhere inside, that we can develop over our lifetime to heal from trauma or any other painful experiences in childhood – and that this inner resource can calm, soothe and comfort the anxious, hurt, depressed or angry young parts of us.

What is your vulnerable child?

The idea that there is an inner child somewhere inside us is not a new one. But Dr Jeffrey Young, the founder of schema therapy, took this idea and developed it with great wisdom and skill. Dr Young saw this part (or ‘mode’, in schema therapy language) in all of his clients, especially those with a history of complex trauma, whose young part was incredibly sensitive, easily triggered and highly emotional.

You have a Vulnerable Child inside you, as do I. And schema therapists like me call that part Little X, so I have a Little Dan inside me. This part of me is small, young, emotional, vulnerable and highly sensitive. He also holds all the painful thoughts, beliefs, memories and emotions from my childhood, which was not always easy. So he holds memories of me being bullied when I was 11, with all the painful thoughts and feelings associated with that extremely hard time in my life.

If you’re feeling anxious right now, it’s little you feeling that anxiety. He or she is probably scared that something bad is about to happen – perhaps that you will be criticised, shouted at, hurt, rejected or abandoned by someone important to you. Or you feel threatened about something you have to do, or somewhere you have to go (anxiety is always threat-focused, because the function of this emotion is to warn us about bad stuff that’s about to happen).

The practice

Comforting your anxious child

Next time you’re feeling anxious or are worrying about something, try this simple practice, which should help you feel calmer and more at peace.

1. Start by switching your phone to silent, so you won’t be disturbed. Then sit on a comfortable chair, with your feet grounded on the floor, gently roll your shoulders back and lengthen your spine.

   Close your eyes and take some slow, deep breaths, in through your nose and out through your mouth, roughly four seconds in and four seconds out. Just breathe for at least a minute, allowing yourself to settle.

2. Now locate the anxious feeling in your body. Anxiety often shows up in the stomach, or it might be your chest, especially around the solar plexus (between and just below your pectoral muscles). You might notice butterflies, tension or a knot in your stomach, a feeling of nervous energy, or tightness/tension in your chest.

3. Now send some breaths into this part of your body. Don’t try and switch off or get rid of the feelings and sensations, just breathe into them. Keep sending warm, friendly, compassionate breath into your throat, shoulders, chest or belly.

   Sit with that for a minute – and see if you notice those parts of your body soften, just a little.

4. Place a hand on your body wherever you feel the uncomfortable sensations of anxiety in a warm, soft, supportive manner – like you would place your hand on the shoulder of a friend who was upset. Feel the warmth from your hand begin to spread into the skin and muscles. Send that warmth, along with the breath, into the tense, anxious places in your body.

5. Now I want you to visualise yourself as a child. It can help to have a photo of yourself, especially at a young age and one you feel warmly towards (it’s common for us to have complicated feelings towards our Vulnerable Child, especially if we experienced trauma in our childhood).

   If you struggle to feel warmth or compassion towards little you, imagine your own child, niece, nephew or friend’s child you are fond of. Just imagine that they are feeling scared and think about how you would respond to them. What words would you use? What would your tone of voice be? You would probably speak a bit more slowly and use a warm, friendly, reassuring voice tone. That’s the tone you need to comfort the child inside you.

6. Now come back to the photo of little you, or just an image of yourself in your mind’s eye. Speak to them from your (warm, wise, compassionate) Healthy Adult. You can do this out loud, or just think the messages to them inside. Let them know you get that they are scared right now. Tell them that is perfectly natural – there is a lot to be scared about in the world, especially at the moment.

   But you can also reassure them, not in a fake ‘everything’s fine!’ way, but rationally and authentically, telling them that, for example, it’s OK if your spouse is angry with you, because adult you can handle a little conflict. Or you might say it’s normal to worry about problems with your health, but adult you will visit the doctor to make sure everything’s fine and most symptoms we experience are perfectly safe and benign.

7. Keep soothing and reassuring them in this calm, friendly, rational way. Then – don’t try and force this, just do what feels natural – let them know you care about or even love them. Sit with that for a few seconds, feeling that internal connection between your Healthy Adult and little you.

8. Finally, see if there are any good feelings inside – you might feel a bit calmer, more relaxed, lighter in your body, or a sense of warmth. If so, just enjoy those feelings for a while. Let them soak into your body for at least 30 seconds.

9. Then take a deep breath and open your eyes.

Try this often, whenever you feel anxious. Once a day is good, five times a day is better. Like all new skills, it will be tricky at first, but get easier with time and especially practice.

I very much hope that helps – sending you love and strength on your healing journey.

Warm wishes,

Dan

Try this Step-by-Step Practice to Manage Your Painful Feelings

Image by whoislimos

As the REM song reminds us, everybody hurts sometimes. To lead a human life – with all its sorrows, as well as its joys – is to be faced with painful feelings on a daily basis. On any given day, we might feel stress, anxiety, hurt, upset, loneliness, low confidence or self-esteem, disconnection, rejection, anger, frustration, depression and boredom. Nobody likes these feelings. No-one wants to feel them. But whether we like it or not, as members of the human species we must inevitably feel them.

As I often tell my clients, if you never feel painful emotions you’re either a robot or you’re dead. And neither option is very attractive!

Another way of thinking about this is that, to live a full, rich human life, we need to feel a rainbow of emotions. Everybody likes the light-coloured ones, like joy, love, excitement, pride, pleasure and satisfaction. And no-one likes the dark ones: fear, pain, anger, sadness or loneliness. But maintaining robust mental health and wellbeing involves experiencing the full range of emotions, from light to dark.

Do you avoid feelings altogether?

Something I often notice with my clients, especially when they have a trauma history, is that they struggle with painful feelings in a variety of ways. Some people don’t feel them at all – they experience so much internal detachment and dissociation that they feel totally numb, shutdown or empty inside. And in some ways, this works well as an emotional-management strategy, because they are able to function well enough day to day, without being buffeted by unpleasant thoughts and feelings 24/7.

But the downside is that they often feel so disconnected, from themselves and other people, that life is extremely lonely. These people feel isolated and alone, even in a roomful of people. They might also struggle to feel the pleasant emotions, like happiness and love, because this internal shutdown squashes all emotions, light and dark.

Or are you overwhelmed by them?

At the other extreme, many people I work with find their feelings completely overwhelming. In schema therapy terms, their Healthy Adult part gets swamped by the intense, overpowering emotions of their Vulnerable Child part – the young, emotional, hurt child we all carry inside.

Again, if there is trauma in your background, your nervous system might be highly sensitive and easily engulfed by threat-focused emotions like anger, fear or hurt. That is not your fault, it’s just how your brain, nervous system and body were shaped by painful experiences in your childhood.

The practice

The four Fs: Find it, feel it, let it flow, find comfort

Either way, whether you feel too much or too little, you need help in managing your painful feelings. Here’s a step-by-step practice I have developed over the years, which might help.

1. Find it. If you’re experiencing any overwhelming feeling right now, first locate it in your body. For example, if you feel anxious or panicky, you will probably feel that in your gut – perhaps butterflies, a knot in your stomach or deep, sinking feeling of dread in your lower torso. If you feel angry, you might notice your muscles tensing up – especially around your upper back, arms, fists, shoulders and jaw – and a surge of heat and energy in your chest, throat and face.

   It also helps to name the emotion (research shows that just naming an emotion helps reduce its intensity) so, ‘I feel anxious/sad/upset/angry/stressed/irritable/frustrated/lonely/hurt.’

   If you tend to detach and don’t know what you’re feeling, just focus on the physical sensations in your body, however faint they may be (butterflies in your stomach, a heavy/slumpy feeling in your shoulders and upper body, and so on).

2. Feel it. It’s counterintuitive, but one reason people get so overwhelmed with emotions is because they swing between detaching, distracting or soothing (with alcohol, cigarettes, comfort-eating, prescription/non-prescription drugs, gaming, gambling or a whole host of other substances and activities) and overwhelm.

   If you just want to understand how we’re supposed to feel emotions, look at a toddler. They have no problem feeling their emotions! If they are angry, they shout, stomp their foot, scream, have a tantrum. If they are hurt or sad, they cry. If they’re scared, they run to mum for a hug. The emotions flow through them like water.

   And once they have felt and released the emotions, it’s amazing how quickly they move into a different emotional state – happy, excited, chattering, chasing a butterfly… For toddlers, emotions don’t get stuck. They feel them intensely, release them and then are perfectly fine again. It’s miraculous to see.

   Remember that feelings can’t hurt you – they are just feelings, which all humans feel and in fact let us know we are alive – so allow yourself to feel them, bit by bit.

3. Let the emotion Flow. Many of us, especially (though not exclusively) men, have trouble in expressing our emotions. We feel incredibly sad, but we don’t cry. We boil with anger, but say nothing, clamping our jaw shut, balling our fists, but carrying on as if we’re fine.

   Emotions – especially big emotions like anger or intense sadness and hurt – are designed to be released. That’s why we cry when we’re sad, so we release a mixture of emotion and stress hormones. And when we have cried enough, we feel a sense of relief.

   If you’re angry, find some safe, non-destructive methods for releasing anger and letting it Flow out of your body (here’s a recent post I wrote about that). Learn to communicate assertively. Write angry letters you never send. Find ways that work for you of healthily releasing your anger, so it flows out and doesn’t fester inside, because that’s not good for your physical or mental health.

4. Find Comfort. Think about that toddler again. When he was scared, he ran to mum for a big hug. If his sister fell over and banged her knee, she would run to mum, or dad, or a grandparent for a big hug, soothing/reassuring words and perhaps some milk and cookies. This is the Find Comfort part of the practice. Once you have allowed yourself to Find and Feel it, then let the emotion Flow, Find Comfort either from someone else or yourself.

   Because unlike toddlers, adults can self-soothe – we can give ourselves a hug, by placing a hand over our heart and thinking kind, comforting, reassuring thoughts. This might be tough for you. But it’s a skill that needs to be learned, perhaps with the help of a mental-health professional. And you can learn it, so you then have the option of seeking comfort from a partner, family member, friend or therapist, or of giving it to yourself.

I very much hope you find that helpful – remember that, like all practices, it takes practice. That’s why it’s called a practice! Because you need to do it, repeatedly, for it to become more effective. And watch this space for more emotion-focused practices you can add to your mental-health toolkit in future.

Warm wishes,

Dan

Responding to Your Pain with Self-Compassion

Image by Julien Tromeur

Have you ever had a bad back? I’m guessing that, as you are human, have a spine and do all the things that 21st-century humans do (sitting too much, being overly stressed, being hunched over a computer screen all day) the answer is yes. And if you are a fellow bad-back sufferer, you will know that when your back pain flares up, it’s not much fun.

As I write this, I am a few days into a flare-up. Despite doing everything possible to manage it – first ice, then heat; help from a brilliant osteopath; frequent yoga, stretching and mobilisation; anti-inflammatory gel, and so on – I’m in a fair amount of pain.

And when you are suffering from pain, your natural reaction might be to get frustrated and impatient. ‘Why me?’ you ask, stooped over and clutching your lower back. ‘It’s so unfair!’ Or, ‘I hate being in pain so much!’ Or, ‘I’m sick to death of this – I just cannot stand it.’

Trust me, these thoughts – accompanied by various expletives – have passed through my mind and out of my mouth in the last few days. Chronic pain is a real struggle. It just grinds you down and makes it hard to be positive, upbeat or optimistic that the episode will ever end.

Why negative thinking makes pain worse

But I am lucky enough to work in a profession that has helped me understand a great deal about pain, both physical and emotional, and how best to deal with it. When my back was really bad, a couple of years ago, I read a life-changing book by Vidyamala Burch and Danny Penman: Mindfulness for Health: A Practical Guide to Relieving Pain, Reducing Stress and Restoring Wellbeing. The authors explain that there are two types of physical pain: primary and secondary. Primary pain comprises the signals from your nerves at the site of the injury or illness in your body – like a broken leg or gash on your knee.

This information travels up the nerves until it reaches your brain. At which point, your brain interprets the information from your nervous system, as well as the thoughts you are having about the pain, to decide whether it’s serious/threatening or not. If your brain thinks it’s serious – that broken leg, for example – it then turns up the ‘pain volume’, making the pain worse.

This is secondary pain, which is often far worse and more distressing for us than the primary version. It’s important to stress that both forms of pain are real – it’s not ‘all in your mind’. We are talking about actual, physical pain and discomfort here.

But the fascinating – and revolutionary, for me – discovery here is that we can control the level of our pain by adjusting our response to it. And the key to reducing your pain, whether it’s physical or emotional, is responding with self-compassion.

The miracle of self-compassion

Let’s circle back to those (totally understandable) responses to being in pain. In Buddhism, these are known as ‘second darts’ – the first dart is the pain itself. But the second dart is the anger, frustration, stress and upset we feel when we respond to that pain with negative, blaming, hostile thoughts and words. Instead, the Buddha taught us to respond with acceptance, kindness and compassion, however alien or difficult that might seem at moments of discomfort and distress.

What helps me respond to my pain, and tight back muscles, with compassion is that I know from experience that this will both reduce my pain and accelerate the healing process. I do my level best to say/think things like, ‘Oh man, this is hard. But I know it won’t last forever and I will get better soon.’ Or, ‘Poor back. I know you’re really suffering right now. But it’s OK, nothing is wrong, you can just relax.’ Or, ‘Dan, I know you’re in a lot of pain right now and that is hard to bear. But remember that you’re not alone. I’m here for you, I care about you, and we will get through this together.’

If I keep responding in this way, my pain is significantly less. My back gets better much more quickly, as I’m not bracing and tensing up, which keeps the muscles tight and in spasm. And I spare myself a great deal of unhappiness, because accepting that I’m going through a tough time helps reduce the frustration, irritation and upset that those negative responses cause.

Of course, everything you’re reading here applies just as much to psychological and emotional pain, as it does physical, somatic pain. And that’s why my next Heal Your Trauma webinar – The Healing Power of Self-Compassion – will teach you all about being kind and compassionate, rather than unkind or harsh with yourself.

I will teach you some simple, powerful self-compassion practices that you can use right away. And the webinar will feature a 15-minute Q&A, allowing you to ask me anything you want about how to manage your pain, mental health and wellbeing.

This 90-minute Zoom webinar takes place at 3pm on Saturday 28th May 2022 – and costs just £39, including exclusive access to a recording of the event.

I look forward to seeing you there – find out more about this event by watching the video and book your place now using the button below.

And sending you love and healing thoughts, whatever you might be struggling with right now.

Warm wishes,

Dan

How to Stay Sane in the Age of Social Media

Image by Marvin Meyer

When you think about it, our relationship with technology is a strange thing. Sometimes I walk down the road, or travel on the Tube – and every single person I see is staring at their phone.

How did that happen? In the space of just a few years, we have gone from a species that talked to each other, read books or the newspaper, or perhaps just stared into space and daydreamed of our next holiday, or a date with that gorgeous new guy at work, to a species that is glued to some form of screen, pretty much every waking moment of our lives.

Very strange. It’s particularly odd when you also understand that the human brain is just not built for all this digital stimulation. Your brain, and mine, are built for the environment that our ancestors lived in for millions of years. Living in small bands, out in the wilderness, in total silence apart from weather, birdsong, the humming of insects and cries of larger animals.

No phones. No TVs. No radios, even. So all of our stimulation came from Nature – watching the sunset, summer meadows bursting with wildflowers, or hazy mountains in the distance. And from each other, of course. Our brains are so strongly wired to be social that many neuroscientists see the brain as something that exists both within and between us – a ‘social brain’ that needs inputs from other brains to function optimally.

The social media boom

One of the strangest – and, I think, trickiest – aspects of this digital revolution is the recent boom in social media consumption. A quick Google search tells me that there are currently 206 million Twitter users worldwide, a billion people on Instagram and almost three billion Facebook users! That’s over a third of the 7.9 billion people currently living on our planet.

In many ways, this has been a positive thing for humanity. Think about those social brains, primed to interact and share information with others. It’s one reason we use all of these social media platforms, so we can share photos of our holiday on Facebook, for example, or wedding shots on Instagram. This helps us feel bonded with those we love, which can only be a good thing.

But, as has been well-documented, all of this social-media use has some major downsides. I think many people over-share, desperately seeking likes, retweets and other dopamine-inducing activity. This worries me, as s people don’t seem to realise that once you share something on the internet it’s out there, forever.

So what might seem like a good idea when you’re 20 (all those wild festival photos, or drunken holiday antics with your mates), may not feel so good when you’re 30 and applying for some serious job.

Protecting your mental health online

As the internet, smartphones and social media are likely to be a fixture in our lives for many years, here are a few guidelines for navigating this tricky territory safely, for yourself and others…

1. You’re not always right – and other people are not always wrong. One of the most damaging aspects of, say, Twitter, is that it pushes us to adopt binary, right-or-wrong, black-or-white positions. We feel passionately about our position, as a pro- or anti-vaxxer, for example, which quickly leads to being in a camp of us or them.

   It’s fine to have strong opinions and even to express them, in whatever way feels good for you. I am a passionately political person, with strong views on all sorts of stuff. But I never get into arguments on Twitter. If someone politely disagrees with me, that is perfectly OK. If they are rude, aggressive or offensive, I immediately block them (and report them if necessary) and move on. Angry Twitter rants are destructive to your mental health and, I’m afraid, will almost never persuade them to change their minds.

2. Spread kindness, not hostility. Imagine if, instead of us all getting angry and ranty all the time, we instead tweeted, retweeted and generally posted positive, kind, compassionate messages. The ripple effect of this would be a beautiful thing – everyone actually being nice to each other, praising, liking, encouraging… (It’s a little idealistic, I know, but why not dream?).

   At the very least, we can politely disagree with those whose views are different. And I think we did, a lot more, before social media swept across the internet and into our lives. For example, I am very much a left-wing person and always have been. I have voted Labour in every election since I was 18.

   But I am always interested in other people’s views, as long as they are not too extreme or hateful. I’m curious about those who disagree with me and why they think what they do. Sometimes I have to admit that, on a particular issue, their view makes more sense than mine, however irksome that may be. If we all had a bit more tolerance of difference, the world would undoubtedly be a better, kinder, less angry place.

3. Trauma-informed social media use. If you have a trauma history, social media can be especially difficult. My first suggestion would be to go easy on the news in your feed, especially about scary or upsetting events that are out of your control. We all consume far too much violent, negative media – news stories, TV programmes, movies, books and video games. And it has an effect, particularly if trauma is in your background. So limit your news diet, especially if you are struggling with your mental health in any way.

   Points one and two are especially true for you – please don’t get involved with people who are abusive or aggressive. Block, delete and move on.

Tread lightly around areas that might be triggering for you. If you experienced abuse of any kind as a child, reading/hearing about/watching anything on that theme might be really tough, so be kind to yourself and if it’s making you uncomfortable, step away from the screen. We don’t have to know about or be on top of every issue, or breaking news story, so it’s fine to let something slide by and do something that feels more nourishing for you instead.

Finally, it’s important to figure out what the Buddha called the ‘middle way’ with all of this. Most of us use social media in some fashion, so it’s hard to go cold turkey and give it up completely. There are lots of kind, decent people online – because most people are kind and decent, even if it doesn’t always seem that way on Facebook or Twitter.

There are also lots of stories about inspiring, uplifting, hope-inducing things, so try to focus on those and go easy on the angry, upsetting stuff. Life’s hard enough already without looking at the world through a cracked, distorted, designed-to-outrage lens.

Warm wishes,

Dan

Try This Healing Self-Compassion Practice Every Day

Image by Ravi Pinisetti

I wrote a recent post about how to use Compassionate Breathing to help calm yourself down and regulate your nervous system (here’s a step-by-step practice I recorded for Insight Timer). You can use these two steps as a standalone practice, or try them as part of a four-stage practice that I use with all of my clients, which adds a couple of stages focused on developing self-compassion.

Again, I have recorded an audio version for Insight Timer – and you can watch the video, below, for a step-by-step guide to this simple, powerful practice. Before you try it, you will need to be acquainted with the vulnerable little boy or girl inside, who we direct the compassion to. This idea comes from both schema therapy and internal family systems therapy, so have a read of these pages first, if you would like. (This is not essential, but will make the practice more powerful for you).

THE PRACTICE

1. Adjust Your Posture. Make sure your feet are flat and grounded on the floor, then let your shoulders gently roll back so your chest feels open. Now lengthen your spine – sit upright but relaxed, with your head, neck and spine in alignment. Imagine an invisible piece of string attached to the top of your head, pulling you gently upright.

Sitting in this position helps you feel grounded, alert and stronger in your core. There is a lot of research on the link between your posture and mood, so just a simple adjustment in your posture can help you feel a bit more energised and stronger, with a slight uplift in your energy and mood.

2. Compassionate Breathing. Close your eyes, take deep, slow breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth. Your breaths should be roughly four seconds in, four seconds out – try counting the in-breath for one, two, three, four… then the out-breath for the same count. Imagine that your abdomen is like a balloon, inflating on the in-breath, deflating on the out-breath. Keep breathing, noticing everything slowing down and letting your muscles start to relax.

Breathing this way should help you feel calmer within a minute or so, but if you have time, I recommend extending the practice for up to five minutes – it’s just deep breathing, so you can’t do it too much! I also love this practice because you can do it anywhere – on the bus, in a difficult meeting, at your desk…

3. Supportive Touch. Gently place a hand over your heart in a friendly, supportive manner. Feel the warmth under your hand and imagine it trickling down until it reaches the hurt little girl or boy inside. Imagine that’s a warm, kind, healing energy that soothes this frightened or upset part of you.

4. Compassionate Self-Talk. Now talk to your little self the way you would to a troubled friend. Try to use a voice tone that’s warm, slow and reassuring. Say things like “Oh, Little Jane/James, I know you’re struggling right now – I really see how scared/upset/angry you are... But I want you to know that you’re not alone... I’m here with you... I care about you... I’ve got you... And we will get through this together...”’

Try this every day. You can play around with just using steps one and two, which are easier and can be done anywhere. And then add steps three and four when you’re alone and have time.

I very much hope that, over time, this will help you feel calmer and more relaxed; as well as generating self-compassion, which is a key skill in trauma recovery.

Warm wishes,

Dan

Do You Struggle With Self-Compassion? If So, You Are Not Alone

Image by Külli Kittus

As a psychotherapist, I know there are all sorts of things that will help improve my clients’ mental health. Some of these are just common sense, like not taking recreational drugs or drinking too much; going easy on the caffeine if they are stressed or anxious; eating healthily; engaging in daily exercise; and getting enough sleep (one of the most important things you can do for both your mental and physical health).

Others are not so obvious, but still things they will have read about in self-help books, or heard mentioned in their favourite podcasts. Practising yoga is one – there is a growing body of evidence to support yoga’s healing capacities for body, mind, nervous and hormonal systems. Mindfulness meditation is another – you would have to have been living on the Moon for the past 10 years to have missed the mindfulness revolution! Most of us now know that mindfulness is highly beneficial, in all sorts of ways.

The age of self-compassion

Now mindfulness programmes have blossomed in meditation centres, schools, corporations and even prisons, another revolution is quietly brewing: the self-compassion movement. Spearheaded by Dr Kristin Neff – the world’s leading academic researcher into self-compassion – this builds on the skills and theory embedded in mindfulness programmes like mindfulness-based stress reduction. Kristin Neff’s mindful self-compassion programme, developed with her colleague Dr Christopher Germer, adds a powerful and structured method for relieving human suffering (if you want to find out more, check out centerformsc.org).

Full disclosure: I love self-compassion. I have long enjoyed Kristin Neff’s guided meditations (they are wonderful – and you can find them, for free, on the Insight Timer app at insighttimer.com), read her books and attended her workshops. I also use many of her techniques with my clients, who find them hugely powerful and beneficial.

And self-compassion is a key part of the schema therapy model, as we teach our clients’ Healthy Adult mode to offer kindness, soothing, reassurance and compassion to their Vulnerable Child. It’s a beautiful thing to teach people self-compassion and watch as, step by step, they incorporate it into their daily lives. Where once they were harsh and mean to themselves, now they are (mostly) kind, supportive, encouraging and understanding.

What gets in the way

But here’s the thing: self-compassion is hard. Even the kindest and most compassionate people often struggle to treat themselves as they would a friend, colleague or family member who was struggling. Being more compassionate, to yourself and others, is one of those things that is easy to talk about, and get intellectually, but can be incredibly tough to do on a daily basis (‘I know, rationally, that self-compassion is a good idea, but I forget to do it/don’t feel the impact of it/don’t think I deserve it,’ many of my clients tell me).

Here is an example:

*Trevor is a middle-aged business owner. He is comfortably off, with a lovely home, supportive wife and two young children. On paper, Trevor has it all. But he has struggled with cyclical periods of depression his whole adult life. In our first session, Trevor tells me that his depression seems to come out of the blue. ‘One day I’m fine, then it starts creeping up on me. I feel more and more depressed, everything starts to seem miserable and bleak, then I end up staying in bed for days,’ he explains.

One of the first things I explain to Trevor is that depression never comes out of the blue – there is always a reason. When we start exploring his life in detail, he tells me that he works incredibly long hours – at least 12 hours a day, seven days a week. And in the build-up to a depressive episode, he works even harder, until he crashes.

I hypothesise that a part of Trevor makes him depressed to give him a break from the grinding schedule of his working life. This makes sense to Trevor. I also notice that he has an especially vicious Critical Part, which tells Trevor he is ‘worthless’ and ‘pathetic’ unless he works like a dog.

I teach him my four-part self-compassion practice (you can read all about that in this post), so we can quieten the critical voice in his head and allow him to treat himself more kindly. But he really struggles with the compassionate self-talk step, in which I coach him in speaking to himself with kindness and understanding. ‘Something in me just says it’s bullshit,’ he says. ‘It tells me I don’t deserve kindness because I am worthless and deserve to be miserable.’

Breaking the cycle

So where did these painful, self-negating beliefs come from? As so often, from Trevor’s parents, who taught him that he was stupid and a failure, unless he excelled at school. Then he got some (grudging) praise and affection. This taught Trevor that his intrinsic self had no worth or value – the only thing to be liked, valued or respected was his work and achievements. So as an adult, he worked himself into the ground until he got depressed, recovered, then the cycle started all over again.

Does any of this sound familiar? If so, please remember that you are not alone. Learning to treat yourself with kindness, care and compassion is not easy – far from it. Many of us have negative beliefs like Trevor’s, often learned in childhood. We don’t feel like we deserve to be happy. We are taught that we’re only lovable when we achieve highly. We may even see self-compassion as self-indulgent, weak, or a waste of time.

None of this is true. As the Dalai Lama teaches us, you are worthy of love, compassion and freedom from suffering – as much as any other living being on this planet. So keep reading my posts and any other blogs/articles/self-help books that teach you how to develop greater self-compassion. Check out my video, below, for a step-by-step self-compassion practice. And if necessary, see a skilled mental-health professional to help you with that – you deserve it.

Warm wishes,

Dan

*All of the case studies in my blog are composites of actual people – I would never reveal any personal or identifying information about my clients.

Self-Care for the Highly Sensitive Person

I recently wrote a post about Elaine Aron's wonderful book, The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You. I also admitted that it was a particular eye-opener for me because I realised she is writing about me – I am a highly sensitive person and proud of it. And probably at least 50% of my clients are HSPs too, so this concept has helped me immensely, both personally and professionally.

As a follow-up, here are three of the things I have realised about how we highly sensitive folk need to take care of ourselves day to day:

• We need time to process. Sometimes, in my downtime between seeing clients, writing up session notes, and all the many other things I do as part of my (wonderful) job as a therapist, I notice that I am compulsively surfing the Web. Having recently take a break from social media, I realised that looking at The Guardian's website and depressing myself with the latest scary thing happening in the world, or just reading football-related nonsense, was my new digital addiction. I also realised that it made me feel, well, just bad. HSPs need time to process stuff, because we are so attuned to every detail of what is happening that it's easy to get flooded (what Aron calls being over-aroused). So more mindfulness for me, less scary news and screen time.

• Slow is (generally) good. Linked to the first point, because being an HSP means that our central nervous system is unusually sensitive (which is neither good nor bad, just a largely genetic trait), we get easily overwhelmed by things. Bright lights, loud noises, strong smells, traffic, too much information, too many strong emotions, big crowds, strangers, public speaking, aggressive or loud people... the list is a long one but will be unique to you – some of these may be triggers for you, some not, but you will definitely have your triggers. Personally, I like to talk and think about things slowly. I am more into deep thinking and powerful, one-to-one conversations than social chit-chat. Slow is good for me, even if I don't always remember that.

• Alone time helps us recharge. As Elaine Aron points out, not all HSPs are introverts. You can be a highly sensitive extrovert, but common sense says that most HSPs will prefer small groups, close friends or time alone. I am certainly one of those – although I love seeing clients all day, or even teaching large groups, I do find some alone time in the day invaluable. It helps me rest and recharge, as well as giving time for processing everything I have thought, seen and experienced that day (see point one). As with all of these points, it's important to remember that none of this is good or bad, it's just how I and probably most people reading this are wired. Learning to love and accept yourself as you are is a crucial component of schema therapy, so recognise your need to be alone sometimes and carve out that time for yourself.

Warm wishes,

Dan

Bibliotherapy for Anger Issues

Image by Ricardo Gomez Angel

'Bibliotherapy' is an important part of cognitive therapy, either to run alongside a course of therapy or as a self-help tool. I often recommend books to my clients, partly because there is only so much time in a session, so it's much more useful for them to read up about their particular issue and for us to discuss their findings next week.

But I also find that many people like to understand why they might be having problems and find their own strategies for solving them – another important idea in cognitive therapy, because ultimately I am trying to help my clients to be their own therapist.

You can read one or all of these books, depending on which appeal to you. You can also read the whole book or dip in to the chapters that seem most relevant to you.

1. Overcoming Anger and Irritability: A Self-help Guide Using Cognitive Behavioral Techniques, by William Davies. Part of the excellent Overcoming... series, this is designed as a CBT workbook, which you can use either instead of or alongside a course of cognitive therapy.

As with any issue in CBT, problems with anger (either struggling to express or control it) are seen as a consequence of unhelpful thoughts and beliefs. So if you change the way you think, you will change the way you feel and behave.

CBT is proven to be an excellent tool for tackling unhealthy anger, with plenty of good-quality research confirming its effectiveness. This book is easy to read; packed with useful information about why we develop anger problems and how to overcome them; and provides a step-by-step programme of exercises to tackle your own problematic anger. And at just £9.99, it's a fair bit cheaper than a course of CBT too!

2. The Compassionate Mind Guide to Managing Your Anger, by Russell L Kolts. I am currently reading – and thoroughly enjoying – this warm, wise and helpful book, so can strongly recommend it. Kolts is an American clinical psychologist specialising in anger issues, with vast experience of working with groups such as prisoners, for whom destructive anger is clearly a major problem.

He draws on Paul Gilbert's compassion-focused therapy (in which have trained) to explain the evolutionary/psychological basis of anger, especially its role in protecting us from threats, either real or perceived.

As Buddhists have known for 2,500 years, compassion is a wonderful antidote to anger, aggression, hostility and hatred – a fact that is increasingly recognised by Western mental health professionals. Learning to treat ourselves and others with greater kindness, compassion and tolerance is a major step on the road to reducing the destructive impact of anger on our lives. If you only read one of these books, I would choose this one, as it is both profound and a pleasure to read.

3. The Superstress Solution, by Roberta Lee MD. Don't let the title throw you off – I have included this book in both the anger and stress sections of my bibliotherapy course, because anger and stress are often inextricably linked. Think of it this way: if you are prone to irritability, remember how you felt after your last holiday.

I'm guessing that all the little things that normally drive you to distraction didn't seem like such a big deal – and you probably dealt with them without becoming in the least bit cross or frustrated. Why? Because you had de-stressed and were relaxed, so your levels of patience and what's known as 'frustration tolerance' were far higher than in your pre-holiday, stressed-out state.

That's why, if you have a problem with anger, managing your stress levels is extremely important. Dr Lee is an integrative physician who takes a holistic approach to reducing the stress levels many of us suffer from in our always-on, over-stimulated, over-caffeinated, under-rested modern world.

Covering everything from diet and exercise to meditation and lifestyle changes, this is a wonderfully clear, sensible and helpful book. Follow her advice and both your stress and anger levels should reduce significantly.

Warm wishes,

Dan

Feeling Stressed or Depressed? Go Easy on the News

Image by AbsolutVision

The media has always portrayed the world through a distorted lens, focusing on and exaggerating bad news, while ignoring or discounting the good. But before 24/7 rolling news and the rise of digital media, it used to be much easier to filter out all the scary, upsetting things happening around the world.

Now, they are very hard to avoid – look at any news website, watch TV or check your Facebook feed and you are bombarded with stories that can make the world feel like a scary, dangerous place. It's easy to feel that we are under threat too, which is not helpful if you are prone to anxiety, as you probably over-perceive threats to your safety or wellbeing already.

Although we do face some really unpleasant and frightening threats right now, it's important to remember a few things:

1. We are living through the safest, least violent period in human history. Despite what the media might tell you, crime rates in the West have plummeted over the last 50 years. If we are lucky enough to live in a stable, Western democracy, we are actually extremely safe.

2. Although there have been a spate of truly awful terror attacks throughout Europe, this is not a new phenomenon. I grew up in London, which faced constant threats of attack and regular bombings by the IRA; other terror groups were active throughout Europe, so without downplaying how shocking and horrible the recent attacks have been, we have lived through similar problems before. And the probability of you being involved in a terror attack now is still extremely low.

3. Fear sells. The media have long known this and, sadly, some sections of the media – especially tabloid newspapers – have lost any semblance of caring about their readers' wellbeing, printing lies, mistruths and highly distorted versions of reality that make everything seem frightening and bleak.

   Just take their treatment of the refugee crisis as an example, or the blatant lies and fearmongering that persuaded so many people to vote for Brexit. 'Never let facts get in the way of a good story,' as the old journalists' joke goes. 

4. If you are struggling with any kind of mental health problem – like stress, anxiety or depression – it might be good to take a news break for a couple of weeks. Reading upsetting stories, or watching violent movies/programmes is not good for your brain, as it will ramp up your feelings of insecurity, fearfulness and being under threat.

   Be kind to yourself and take a break – remember that just a couple of hundred years ago humans would mostly only get news about their extended family and local community, by word of mouth; no lurid headlines or minute-by-minute coverage of shocking events across the globe. Our brains are not designed for this media bombardment, and countless studies show the negative impact it has on our psychological health.  

So, if you are having a hard time right now, treat yourself with care and either limit or give up your news intake completely for a while.

Warm wishes,

Dan