As a psychotherapist, I know there are all sorts of things that will help improve my clients’ mental health. Some of these are just common sense, like not taking recreational drugs or drinking too much; going easy on the caffeine if they are stressed or anxious; eating healthily; engaging in daily exercise; and getting enough sleep (one of the most important things you can do for both your mental and physical health).

Others are not so obvious, but still things they will have read about in self-help books, or heard mentioned in their favourite podcasts. Practising yoga is one – there is a growing body of evidence to support yoga’s healing capacities for body, mind, nervous and hormonal systems. Mindfulness meditation is another – you would have to have been living on the Moon for the past 10 years to have missed the mindfulness revolution! Most of us now know that mindfulness is highly beneficial, in all sorts of ways.

The age of self-compassion

Now mindfulness programmes have blossomed in meditation centres, schools, corporations and even prisons, another revolution is quietly brewing: the self-compassion movement. Spearheaded by Dr Kristin Neff – the world’s leading academic researcher into self-compassion – this builds on the skills and theory embedded in mindfulness programmes like mindfulness-based stress reduction. Kristin Neff’s mindful self-compassion programme, developed with her colleague Dr Christopher Germer, adds a powerful and structured method for relieving human suffering (if you want to find out more, check out centerformsc.org).

Full disclosure: I love self-compassion. I have long enjoyed Kristin Neff’s guided meditations (they are wonderful – and you can find them, for free, on the Insight Timer app at insighttimer.com), read her books and attended her workshops. I also use many of her techniques with my clients, who find them hugely powerful and beneficial.

And self-compassion is a key part of the schema therapy model, as we teach our clients’ Healthy Adult mode to offer kindness, soothing, reassurance and compassion to their Vulnerable Child. It’s a beautiful thing to teach people self-compassion and watch as, step by step, they incorporate it into their daily lives. Where once they were harsh and mean to themselves, now they are (mostly) kind, supportive, encouraging and understanding.

What gets in the way

But here’s the thing: self-compassion is hard. Even the kindest and most compassionate people often struggle to treat themselves as they would a friend, colleague or family member who was struggling. Being more compassionate, to yourself and others, is one of those things that is easy to talk about, and get intellectually, but can be incredibly tough to do on a daily basis (‘I know, rationally, that self-compassion is a good idea, but I forget to do it/don’t feel the impact of it/don’t think I deserve it,’ many of my clients tell me).

Here is an example:

*Trevor is a middle-aged business owner. He is comfortably off, with a lovely home, supportive wife and two young children. On paper, Trevor has it all. But he has struggled with cyclical periods of depression his whole adult life. In our first session, Trevor tells me that his depression seems to come out of the blue. ‘One day I’m fine, then it starts creeping up on me. I feel more and more depressed, everything starts to seem miserable and bleak, then I end up staying in bed for days,’ he explains.

One of the first things I explain to Trevor is that depression never comes out of the blue – there is always a reason. When we start exploring his life in detail, he tells me that he works incredibly long hours – at least 12 hours a day, seven days a week. And in the build-up to a depressive episode, he works even harder, until he crashes.

I hypothesise that a part of Trevor makes him depressed to give him a break from the grinding schedule of his working life. This makes sense to Trevor. I also notice that he has an especially vicious Critical Part, which tells Trevor he is ‘worthless’ and ‘pathetic’ unless he works like a dog.

I teach him my four-part self-compassion practice (you can read all about that in this post), so we can quieten the critical voice in his head and allow him to treat himself more kindly. But he really struggles with the compassionate self-talk step, in which I coach him in speaking to himself with kindness and understanding. ‘Something in me just says it’s bullshit,’ he says. ‘It tells me I don’t deserve kindness because I am worthless and deserve to be miserable.’

Breaking the cycle

So where did these painful, self-negating beliefs come from? As so often, from Trevor’s parents, who taught him that he was stupid and a failure, unless he excelled at school. Then he got some (grudging) praise and affection. This taught Trevor that his intrinsic self had no worth or value – the only thing to be liked, valued or respected was his work and achievements. So as an adult, he worked himself into the ground until he got depressed, recovered, then the cycle started all over again.

Does any of this sound familiar? If so, please remember that you are not alone. Learning to treat yourself with kindness, care and compassion is not easy – far from it. Many of us have negative beliefs like Trevor’s, often learned in childhood. We don’t feel like we deserve to be happy. We are taught that we’re only lovable when we achieve highly. We may even see self-compassion as self-indulgent, weak, or a waste of time.

None of this is true. As the Dalai Lama teaches us, you are worthy of love, compassion and freedom from suffering – as much as any other living being on this planet. So keep reading my posts and any other blogs/articles/self-help books that teach you how to develop greater self-compassion. Check out my video, below, for a step-by-step self-compassion practice. And if necessary, see a skilled mental-health professional to help you with that – you deserve it.

Warm wishes,

Dan

*All of the case studies in my blog are composites of actual people – I would never reveal any personal or identifying information about my clients.