As a trauma therapist, I am passionate about helping people develop the skill of self-compassion, because this is one of the most powerful healing resources humans possess. Very sadly, people who experience trauma tend to have loud, harsh and aggressive Inner Critics, who berate them for every failing, whether real or imagined. Although this part almost always means well (it’s called a protector in IFS therapy, hard as that may be to believe) it does, unwittingly, often cause a great deal of turbulence and stress inside us. Self-compassion is an antidote to self-criticism. It’s also a kind of healing balm for painful feelings like sadness, fear, loneliness and shame.
What is the Compassionate Self?
Thanks in large part to Dr Kristin Neff, the world’s leading academic researcher on self-compassion, this powerful agent for change has decades of high-quality research backing up its effectiveness for all kinds pf psychological problems. Regular self-compassion practice is proven to reduce chronic stress, anxiety and depression, help with eating disorders, as well as building confidence, resilience and enhancing people’s quality of life.
But, crucially, it’s not easy to develop self-compassion. This is especially true if you have experienced trauma, because you may not feel worthy of kindness, care and respect. You might have negative core beliefs like I’m worthless or I’m unlovable. These make it tough to be self-compassionate, because you might not feel like you deserve it. Sadly, I see these kinds of problems in my consulting room every day.
Developing the compassionate self
If we think about this problem through a parts-based lens (which is central to therapy models like schema therapy or IFS) we can see there is a part that needs compassion – usually a young, hurt or traumatised part – and a part who can provide compassion. This inner resource goes by many different names, such as the Healthy Adult in schema therapy, Wise Mind in dialectical behaviour therapy, or Self in IFS. I think these are all helpful ideas, but my favourite is the concept of a Compassionate Self, from compassion-focused therapy.
What is the Compassionate Self? Well, it’s the version of you that is wise, mature, loving and kind. It lives in your prefrontal cortex (PFC), the brain region just behind your forehead, which is where qualities like compassion, mindfulness and loving-kindness live, as well as nuanced and rational ways of thinking. The PFC is also the only part of the brain that can calm, soothe and reassure more emotional, reactive, subcortical brain regions like the amygdala.
So in neurobiological terms, your Compassionate Self (PFC) can communicate with other parts of you, especially those holding memories, feelings and beliefs related to your trauma (subcortical neural networks). And we can develop this wonderful, healing inner resource using practices like the ones below.
I am planning to write my second book about this subject, because it’s both fascinating and foundationally important if you are healing from trauma, or struggling with any kind of psychological problem like chronic stress or anger, issues with anxiety or depression, eating disorders, low self-esteem or any of the other conditions that can plague us. This book is still in the planning stages, but you can now pre-order my first book, Heal Your Trauma: How to Overcome a Painful Childhood to Become Happy and Whole Again, via leading bookshops.
I hope you found that interesting and helpful – and if you are struggling right now, for any reason, sending love and strength from my heart to yours.
Love,
Dan ❤️