One of the frustrating aspects of being human can be dealing with other humans. Not the nice, kind, reasonable ones. But the annoying, rude, disrespectful ones – I’m sure you have a few of those in your life. And managing these tricky customers is not easy, especially if they are partners, family members, close friends or colleagues. If someone says or does something hurtful or annoying, you may respond in all sorts of unhelpful ways, like firing off an angry message, giving them the silent treatment, people-pleasing or suppressing your own needs, desires and opinions to keep the peace.

Viewed through the parts-based lens of internal family systems therapy, we can take a more compassionate view, as everyone (including me!) has tricky protective parts, who might get angry, judgemental or even hostile to protect your younger, more vulnerable parts from being hurt. This may be especially important for you if you were harshly criticised, bullied or shamed as a child – that’s when those protectors came online for you and why they will fire up with great speed and ferocity if they sense something similar happening to you now.

So when you are in conflict with someone, it’s like a war between their protectors and yours. Their angry protector fires up and says something hurtful or mean. So your angry protector gets activated and fires a verbal volley at them, which comes back at you and so it goes until somebody ‘wins’ or backs down. Entirely understandable, but not usually very productive, because one or both of you could get hurt, or you might damage a relationship that’s important to you. Many marriages end in divorce precisely for this reason.

There is another way

Happily, there is a more productive, kind and effective way to resolve conflict. In order to do that, you need to approach this difficult person from your Self, asking your protectors to relax and let you (strong, confident, adult you) handle the situation. I have written a few posts about Self, but as a refresher, in IFS Self is described as you who is not a part, or who you are deep down. This is the you who is calm, sturdy, robust and resilient. When you are in Self you also feel authentic, compassionate and kind. With this energy, you can approach conflict without out-of-control anger or hostility, but a firm, steady, assertive energy that both protects you and diffuses the situation.

If you would like to see the human embodiment of Self-energy, watch the wonderful Netflix documentary featuring the late Bishop Desmond Tutu and the Dalai Lama, Mission: Joy – Finding Happiness in Troubled Times. Both are wise, kind and deeply spiritual, in their own ways. There is a deep strength to them (one who successfully fought apartheid and the other continues to combat oppression by the Chinese government) coupled with huge-heartedness, warmth and a deep sense of playfulness and joy. Two remarkable leaders and qualities we can all aspire to, or develop, the more we live in Self and are less in thrall to well-meaning but unhelpful parts.

If you are struggling with a difficult person in your life, here is a guided-imagery practice I adapted from the classic IFS meditation, developed by the wonderful Dr Richard Schwartz, founder of IFS. You can do this alone or, ideally, with a partner – if you have help, they can read you the script while you sit with eyes closed.

The script for this practice is quite long, but I have included the whole thing so you can use it, with a friend, family member or therapist. (If you are a therapist and would like to use this with your clients, on social media or in your teaching, please credit me and link to my Insight Timer collection).

You may prefer to listen to the recording on Insight Timer, which you can do here – Fire Drill: IFS Meditation.

The practice

Welcome to this Fire Drill Meditation. This is a short practice you can use any time you are feeling angry with someone or dealing with some conflict in your life.
As you go through this practice, I encourage you to pause whenever you need to, if you feel you need more time. You may also want to spend some time journaling afterwards, making a note of anything you learned and want to remember.
Now close your eyes, if that feels OK for you, or gently lower your gaze. Then find a comfortable sitting posture and start by feeling your feet, flat and grounded on the floor. Then gently roll your shoulders back and feel your chest opening up, lengthen your spine so you’re sitting in an upright but relaxed posture.
Take some nice deep breaths – in through your nose, out through your mouth, to a slow count of four on the in-breath and four on the out-breath, for 30 seconds.
Now I want you to think of someone who is really getting on your nerves at the moment. This could be your partner or child, a family member, a friend or colleague. Or it could even be a politician, a celebrity, or someone on social media you have never met but have a strong, negative reaction to.
And now, in your mind’s eye, put that person in a room, so you’re outside the room and watching them through a large window. Have them do the thing they do which annoys you so much – it could be sending you a critical message, saying something unkind, ignoring or belittling you.
It could be expressing an opinion you vehemently disagree with, or find offensive in some way. Perhaps you feel they are being selfish, or unkind to you or someone you love.
Just stand outside the room, watching them say or do the thing that triggers you.
Then notice the parts that are with you outside the room, wanting to protect you from this person, or the ones who feel scared or vulnerable around them and in need of protection.
There might only be one main part involved in this conflict, or a whole group of them there with you.
As you stand outside with your parts, know that you don’t have to go into the room. It might be best to use this time just getting to know these parts of you – both the scared ones and those trying to protect them.
Start by asking your protective parts what they are scared would happen if they weren’t out front protecting you from this person. They may have all kinds of fears and concerns – like you being hurt, attacked, manipulated or shamed by the triggering person – so just listen to and acknowledge these fears, whatever they may be.
And then, don’t try and force anything, but if you can send your protectors a little wave of appreciation, or gratitude, for how hard they work to protect you from this person, and others like them, that would be great.
Once you’ve done that, speak to the scared parts, who may be quite young. Ask them why they find this person so difficult. It’s likely that the difficult person reminds these young ones of someone in the past who really did hurt them, so if that’s the case, hear them out and comfort them in any way that feels authentic and natural for you.
That might be with reassuring words, or a hug, if that feels good for these scared parts. Just see what comes naturally and do that.
Then, ask for permission from all your parts – both the scared ones and the protectors – to go and speak to this person while they watch through the window.
If that’s too much for them, it’s no problem at all, just spend some time understanding that and why this person pushes so many buttons for them.
But if it is OK for them, open the door, go inside the room and leave your parts outside.
Sit down opposite your triggering person and spend some time talking to them. The purpose of this is not to try and change this person or win the argument in any way, just spend some time listening to and talking with them.
What’s it like to face him or her and speak to them, just as your Self, without your protective parts reacting so strongly? How does it feel in your body? What’s your tone of voice like? What language are you using? Are you able to be calmer, more direct, more assertive? There is no right or wrong way to do this, but just notice whatever’s happening.
As you continue speaking to this person, you may notice your protectors getting involved, especially if you become irritated, hostile or defensive in any way, or find yourself interrupting and talking more than listening. If this happens, see if that protective part is willing to go back outside and let you finish talking to this person, alone. Reassure them that you can handle this and nothing bad will happen.
When you’re done, thank the person for speaking to you and go back outside, closing the door.
Ask your parts, what was that like for them? How did they feel about the way you handled this challenging person? Was it OK for them, or do they have any worries about it? Just listen, whatever they have to say.
If it felt OK for your parts, you could also ask them whether they are willing to let you do this in the real world, with this person and others you find difficult.
When that feels complete, thank your parts for letting you go into the room, if they did, or for sharing their fears with you if they didn’t.
Do whatever you need to make that feel complete, then let the image fade away – it’s fading, fading and then it’s gone.
Take a deep breath and bring your focus back outside. Then come on back and open your eyes.
I hope that was helpful for you. Try using this practice whenever you have to deal with a difficult person, or are feeling triggered or activated by someone. You may find it helps to make those tricky people in your life just a little less tricky, as well as building your muscles of confidence, strength and assertiveness.

You can also listen to a recording of this practice in my Insight Timer Collection, by clicking on the button below.

Love ❤️

Dan

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