Your Hardworking Parts Are Amazing, But Don’t Get that You’re Human
Image by Maximalfocus/Unsplash
As I start writing this post, I’m chuckling at myself. Because this is a post all about your hardworking parts – the ones who push you hard to strive, achieve, keep on grinding and hustling. And as I type, I realise I’m a bit weary. It’s the end of a long day and I have some time before dinner, so thought I would write something. And, as so often, I realise it’s much easier to give advice than to take it myself! My hardworking parts, bless them, are helping me write this, ignoring the tiredness and pushing on through.
Sound familiar? I’m guessing it does, because so many of us have these parts. The ones that drag you out of bed, even when you’re bone-tired, have you showered and dressed and breakfasted so you can face another day. That propulsive force in you that puts in super-long days at the office, or answers all those emails on a Sunday, or gets you up at 5am with your little kids, after a few precious hours of not-nearly-enough sleep.
These are your managers, in internal family systems-speak, which is one subtype of protective parts along with firefighters (more about them in a future post). And your managers, well, manage your life. They do all the boring but important stuff like paying your bills, washing laundry and filing tax returns. Managers push, strive, organise, plan, schedule, anticipate, maintain exacting standards. And this is their way of protecting you, especially those tender little parts of you that got hurt in some way. For example, if little you feels defective or not good enough, your managers might be highly perfectionistic, making sure you always get stuff done and get it done well, so no-one can criticise or judge you, seeing through to the (imagined) worthlessness inside.
Here’s a list of some of the most common managers – the ones I see in my clients (and myself) on a regular basis:
Perfectionist
Worrier
Critic
Striver
Completer-Finisher
Hard-Worker
High Achiever
Competitor
Planner
Organiser
‘Spreadsheet’ Part
Controller
Rational Part/Intellectual
Caretaker
Rescuer
People-Pleaser
Sacrificer
Any of those sound familiar? If so, you and your managers are most welcome. Let’s take a deeper dive with a typical example of how one of these managers, the Perfectionist, can take over every aspect of someone’s life.
Meeting the Perfectionist
Miriam shows up to our first Zoom session bang on time. As we take a first look at each other, I notice her perfectly coiffeured hair, makeup subtle but striking, her expensive-looking blouse. She tells me she needs help with her stress levels, which are through the roof. Despite her put-together appearance, it quickly becomes clear that Miriam is very stressed indeed, with chronic insomnia, tension headaches, high blood pressure, IBS, musculoskeletal problems and a molar she recently cracked by grinding her teeth in her sleep. ‘I might look OK on the outside, but inside I’m a mess,’ she says with a tight smile.
Miriam is a family lawyer and has always prided herself on her attention to detail, as well as her willingness to ‘put in the hours’ when she’s working on a case. She works minimum 12-hour days, often seven days a week. Her clients, colleagues and the partners at her law firm love her dedication and relentlessness, which is well rewarded by her six-figure salary. But apart from her long list of health problems, Miriam has no personal life. ‘I haven’t dated in years and don’t see myself having kids, even though I would love to,’ she says tearfully. ‘My whole life is work, work, work.’
As we start mapping out her parts, it becomes clear that her inner Perfectionist is a manager on steroids. Miriam’s long days are often due to her forensic attention to detail. Before speaking in court, she spends hours in front of the mirror, practising every word of her arguments. Often bitterly unhappy with her performance, she goes over and over each line until it’s 100% perfect. ‘My sister says I’m crazy because I’ve always been like that – my motto is “good enough is never good enough”’. I tell her I find it exhausting just hearing about the way she works and she smiles sadly. ‘Imagine living like this,’ she says.
We are not robots
Miriam’s managers – like mine – are amazing. They help her cope with a high-powered job and, in fact, thrive in her work. Her perfectionism is rewarded and reinforced by everyone around her. But her Perfectionist doesn’t get that she is human, not a robot. As so often with managerial strategies, even if they are effective, the cost is extremely high. For Miriam that cost is a host of physical and mental health problems, as well as a wasted life. She yearns for a partner and children, to live a love-filled, rich, meaningful life, but the demands of her job – and especially her inner taskmaster – make this impossible.
In our therapy, after many sessions of speaking to her Perfectionist, understanding its role and function for her, its origins, fears and goals for Miriam, we got permission to hang out with Little Miriam, the young, tender part of her who felt worthless and not good enough. We eventually released these burdens, as well as all the tension, stress and anxiety this young part held. After that, we re-engaged with the Perfectionist and they were happy to relax after a lifetime’s diligent effort on Miriam’s behalf.
She stayed in the legal profession but took a less-demanding job, which allowed her to have a greater work-life balance. Miriam started dating again and met a kind, loving man who she sees a potential future with. Many of her physical health issues also melted away, because she wasn’t under so much stress. ‘I’m so grateful to that Perfectionist for helping me achieve so much in my career,’ she said in our last session. ‘But he needs a vacation – I’ve sent him off to the Bahamas for a long break!’
If your managers are pushing you way too hard, do give IFS therapy a try. I think it is uniquely placed to help understand, collaborate with and soften these well-meaning but exhausting parts. After all, as far as we know this is the one, precious life we all get. It’s not a dress rehearsal, this is it. And there is just too much beauty, too much wondrous experience available to spend your precious hours working yourself into the ground. And yes, I am taking my own advice! I’m about to down tools, cook dinner for my lovely wife and then watch football on TV, before getting an early night and some delicious, very non-managerial sleep.
Love,
Dan ❤️
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