Do You Find Criticism Hard to Bear? These Ideas Will Help
Image by Abigail Keenan/Unsplash
When you get critical feedback, how do you respond? You may be lucky enough to have thick skin, be fairly robust and able to brush off criticism. Or critical comments might affect you more deeply, especially if, like me, you are a Highly Sensitive Person and find criticism harder to ignore. This is an area I have worked on for many years and am now much more open to critical feedback, especially if it’s fair or well-meaning. But I do have a part who is very sensitive to being criticised and can get defensive at times. In this, as in so many other areas, I am a work in progress.
Here’s a story I often tell, from the wonderful Janina Fisher, who is one of my favourite trauma therapists, teachers (and humans). She specialises in complex trauma and often takes on clients who can behave in tricky ways, like lashing out in anger. Janina says she took on one such client, but explained that because she travels so much for teaching, sadly she can’t respond to emails or calls between sessions. The client said that was fine and they started working together.
When Janina got back from a trip her answering machine was full, so she listened to successive messages from the client. In the first and second messages, she said she was having a crisis and to please call back. The next message was angry, saying Janina was a cruel, uncaring person and a terrible therapist for not responding. Shortly after that came apologetic messages, saying to ignore the angry one and she was so, so sorry for calling her all those names. Janina just listened to them all, noting that it was a different part leaving each message (first a vulnerable young part, who felt rejected and abandoned, so an angry protector fired up, then a people-pleasing part trying to repair the damage). This in itself is an interesting idea, because we think ‘I’ am leaving messages, emailing, etc but it’s often our parts doing the communicating.
But it was the way Janina handled these highly charged messages that stayed with me. She said (and I’m paraphrasing here), ‘When someone attacks me like this I just tell myself, over and over, this has absolutely nothing to do with me.’ After all, she didn’t do anything wrong. She told the client she wouldn’t respond to messages and was away a lot. Of course, she felt great compassion for this person, who was clearly suffering deeply. And she resolved to help her in their next session. But she hadn’t done anything wrong, so didn’t need to take the angry criticism on board. It had absolutely nothing to do with her.
Most criticism is projection
I love this story and use that phrase often, especially when someone is angry with me. Of course, if I have done something wrong – been clumsy in some way or pushed their buttons with an insensitive comment – I first own my mistake and then say sorry, trying to heal the rupture in our relationship. This is called a ‘non-defensive apology’ and is something I do a lot with clients, even when I haven’t done anything wrong! Our relationship is so much more important than my pride, so I’m happy to say sorry if that helps the person feel heard, understood and validated.
If you are one of those people who feels more sensitive to criticism, it’s also helpful to remember that most criticism is projection. This is especially true for narcissistic folks, who project a lot. They can’t bear any of their own flaws or weaknesses, so constantly criticise others for having those exact same issues (even if they don’t). For narcissistic people, attack is the best form of defence, so much of what they say is best ignored as it’s much more about them than you.
Even if the criticism is valid, and one of your vulnerable parts has been activated, taking a moment to soothe and reassure this young part of you will help you hear the helpful elements of that feedback and take positive, problem-solving action. You can also try this technique I learned from Terry Real, another excellent teacher and leader in the couples-therapy field. He wrote that both he and his wife are quite combative, so frequently have heated exchanges (he calls this ‘normal marital hate’, which will ring true for anyone in a long-term relationship).
When he knows his wife is angry and about to criticise him for something, Terry speaks to Little Terry and says to come and stand behind him. He imagines his inner child scuttling around to stand behind him and says (again, I am paraphrasing): ‘You stand behind me where it’s safe and let me – big, strong, adult Terry – hear this criticism and deal with the anger. I can take it, so I will protect you and keep you safe.’
This is a great technique to use if you’re feeling anxious or daunted about something, have some conflict to deal with or a tricky conversation to navigate. Not only will you feel less anxious, but it helps you step into what we call Self in IFS therapy – your strong, mature, resilient and steady inner resource. This will also help you approach challenging situations with more calm, confidence and courage (all qualities of Self).
I hope some of these ideas are helpful for you, especially if you have historically found criticism hard to handle.
And if you have been struggling with your inner critic, for any reason, you may enjoy my Working With Your Inner Critic meditation. This short but powerful practice will help you feel calmer, happier, more confident, and at peace.
You can find this in my Insight Timer collection. You can also find it on my YouTube Channel, and in my (non-profit) online store, if you would like to download the practice for yourself.
Love,
Dan ❤️
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