Guilt and Shame Are Not the Same Thing: Here’s Why That Matters
Photo by Carolina Heza on Unsplash
Imagine you made a mistake. Maybe you said something silly – perhaps trying to make a joke that didn’t land and hurt someone’s feelings. You might have snapped at your kids after a long, stressful day. You could have got drunk at a party and done something embarrassing – a spilled drink, inappropriate flirtation, secret blurted out.
Whatever you did, whether a tiny transgression or major mistake, there would be two ways to respond. The first would be to think, Oh dear, I did something foolish. That is deeply embarrassing and I should apologise and make amends to the people I upset. The second would look and feel very different: God, why did I do that? I’m such an idiot. I bet they all hate me now – I am such a horrible, unforgivable person.
In some ways, it’s just common sense that the second type of response would create a great deal more suffering than the first. The language is harsher, there is way more self-blame and self-attack. Clearly, this would be more hurtful, upsetting and triggering than the first example.
But there is another crucial difference. In the first response, you are saying you did something bad. In the second, you’re saying you are bad. You’re viewing the event through a highly self-critical lens, which makes you into a horrible, unforgivable person. And whereas owning up to mistakes – even big, highly embarrassing ones – in the first way triggers feelings of guilt, the second triggers shame, which is perhaps the most painful emotion humans can experience.
The shamer and the shamed
Viewed through an internal family systems (IFS) lens, there is a part criticising and another part feeling criticised. A part who is shaming and another – probably young and vulnerable – one being shamed. And the part who is shaming is, almost always, the Inner Critic. I write a great deal about this part, because it is (unwittingly) the driver of so much of our internal distress.
You may find this practice helpful, which I recorded for Insight Timer on working with the Critic.
But why does the Critic shame you? Is it a mean, nasty, malevolent part of you that is intentionally hurtful? That is a common view, especially in mainstream psychology. If you tried CBT, say, you would be taught that your self-critical thoughts were bad, harmful and destructive. Your therapist might not talk about parts, just ‘negative automatic thoughts’ or ‘core beliefs’, but once you understand that our mind is made up of different parts (a concept called ‘multiplicity of self’, which is increasingly backed up by neuroscience), you understand that they are talking about the Inner Critic, consciously or not.
And the prevailing message is that you need to somehow get rid of these thoughts and replace them with more realistic and compassionate ways of speaking about yourself. Now, I’m not knocking CBT here, because it’s a brilliant form of therapy that has helped millions of people across the globe. I used to be a CBT therapist for many years and it is incredibly powerful and helpful, for many people. I’m also in total agreement that these thoughts are painful and do need replacing with kinder, more compassionate ones.
It’s just that trying to get rid of your Critic is like saying, Oh I really hate this stupid left arm. I wish I could just hack it off and be rid of it. Like it or not, it’s your arm and you are stuck with it.
Turning (corrosive) shame into (bearable) guilt
You can learn all about how to work with your Critic in those posts, above, as well as upcoming posts about using the warm, compassionate power of internal family systems to transform these ‘extreme’ parts, as they are known in IFS terminology. For now, let’s try something simpler. If you want to lessen the toxic pool of shame curdling in your guts (and who wouldn’t want that, it’s so corrosive and painful) let’s do some psychological alchemy and turn that shame into guilt, an emotion which may not be comfortable, but is far more bearable.
Let’s use John as an example. John comes to see me because he has done a foolish thing. After 20 years of sobriety he recently fell off the wagon and went on a bender with two workmates. His wife is, understandably, both furious and freaking out, as she knew him when he was a serious alcoholic and it was not fun. ‘I’m such a moron,’ he tells me in our first session. ‘I totally screwed up and now Janine hates me. And you know what? She is right to hate me – I hate myself. I can’t believe I did that, after 20 hard years, all those meetings, all that therapy. I’m such a piece of shit!’ he said with sudden venom, slapping his forehead with worrying force.
Little by little, I helped John see that, although it was not his shining moment, one relapse in 20 years was not the end of the world. The next day he called his sponsor, went to a meeting and got back on track with his sobriety – he hadn’t touched a drink since and had no intention of doing so, given the carnage it had caused. Viewed through a parts-based lens, an impulsive part of him reacted to the intense stress he was under at work by pushing him to drink, which was fun and helped drown that stress in an ocean of beer. In IFS, this part is called a firefighter and is viewed as protective – it’s actually trying to help, albeit in a very unhelpful way.
I also worked with John on changing his language, from statements like, I’m such a piece of shit! to more compassionate, understanding takes such as, I know I messed up and I deeply regret that. But it was my first slip in 20 years and everyone makes mistakes, so it’s human to fall off the wagon.
Simply changing the language also changed his emotional response, from skin-crawling shame to challenging, but entirely doable guilt. John made it up to his wife, gradually earned her trust again and they are now happily, soberly, back on track.
Why not try this for yourself? Grab your journal and see if you can work on the language around a recent mistake. Moving from I’m bad to I did a bad thing will help you feel very differently about it – and could be a transformative strategy, moving forward.
I hope that helps – and if you are suffering right now, especially feeling the horrible, hot sting of shame, sending you so much love. I have been there, many times, so know from the inside just how awful it can be.
Love,
Dan ❤️
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