How Could Metta (Loving-Kindness) Practice Help You?
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How is your mind right now? I imagine it’s busy – whirling with thoughts, plans, worries, regrets, hopes, dreams and a dozen items on your to-do list. If you have spent much time meditating, or done any formal mindfulness training such as a mindfulness-based stress reduction (MBSR) or mindfulness-based cognitive therapy (MBCT) course, you will have learned that this is perfectly normal. It’s just how minds are. And it’s certainly how my mind is most of the time.
Here’s the neurology behind this: when you’re not focusing on a particular task, the default mode network in your brain comes online, which allows you to engage in introspective thinking, daydream, imagine, be creative and solve knotty problems in your life. This is all well and good, unless you are struggling with your mental health, in which case it can be downright unhelpful. Because you might then engage in excessive worrying about everything that could go wrong in your future. Or ruminate on your unhappy present and apparently disappointing past, asking big existential questions like, What’s wrong with me? or, Why is my life so awful? You don’t need therapy training to see that these questions have no good answers and can be upsetting, or even depressing, if they keep looping round and round all day.
MBCT was specifically developed to help with depression, by addressing these unhelpful ways of thinking. It drew on the 2,500-year-old Buddhist psychology principles of developing your ability to focus and choosing where you place your attention, so you don’t give as much time and energy to internal and external experiences that make you feel stressed, anxious or depressed. There is also a strong focus in Buddhism on developing beneficial mental states, including sati (mindfulness), but also upekkha (equanimity – mental balance and even-mindedness) mudhita (sympathetic joy) karuna (compassion) and metta (loving-kindness).
You can learn to think & feel differently
This post focuses on metta, because it’s one of the most important and helpful of these mental states. I have learned about metta from numerous wise Buddhist teachers over the years – both on retreat and in Buddhist centres – but especially from the wonderful Sharon Salzberg, one of my favourite teachers. If you don’t know her yet, check out her excellent podcast, The Metta Hour, or her seminal book, Lovingkindness: The Revolutionary Art of Happiness. Sharon was one of a wave of idealistic young students who travelled from the US to Asia in the 60 and 70s, studying meditation and Buddhist teachings, before transplanting them back into Western culture. She has spent decades teaching and writing about metta, because she argues it can be transformative, especially if you have a trauma history, struggle with harsh self-criticism or low self-esteem, or have any other psychological problem.
How does metta practice work? If you have never done a loving-kindness meditation, here are a few guidelines (and pro tips to make it as nourishing as possible for you). Unlike mindfulness practice, in which you are not trying to change anything, just focus on what is happening right now, metta practice involves the intentional use of set phrases, repeated slowly and consciously in your mind. Sometimes we can repeat these phrases a bit coldly or mechanically, so try to imbue them with as much warmth, meaning, care and compassion as possible. Remember that these are expressions of genuine love and care, so say them like you are comforting your beloved child, or family member when they are sick and in deep need of patient, loving support. Here are some simple, commonly used loving-kindness phrases:
May I be safe
May I be well
May I be free from suffering
It’s important to find phrases that resonate for you, so if you try my practice (below), one of Sharon Salzberg’s or those of any other teacher, feel free to adapt the phrases so they feel authentic and appropriate for you. Traditional practices often start with directing metta towards yourself, but in my experience – especially for clients with a trauma history – it can be hard to feel warmly towards yourself. So I start with a beloved person, who could be a family member partner, child, mentor or any other person you love and care for. Sharon’s advice is to choose someone who, when you think of them, you smile.
In my three-stage practice below, the stages are: beloved person, yourself, then all living beings. This follows the Buddha’s advice that we should have love and compassion for all sentient beings, which I take to mean all life on Earth. As we endure a scary climate crisis and array of threats to Nature, it’s easy for me to send loving wishes to all living beings on the planet, because I am deeply worried about them and passionate about protecting the natural world. Again, this idea may land differently for you, so adapt the phrase – and sense of where your loving-kindness is directed – to suit your views and values. When not directed towards yourself, you simply adapt the phrases to become:
May you be safe
May you be well
May you be free from suffering
Or:
May all life be safe
May all life be well
May all life be free from suffering
Expanding the practice
In my longer, five-stage metta practice, I include: beloved person, yourself, neutral person, difficult person and then all living beings. A neutral person means someone you might see often, like the barista who makes your coffee, or supermarket checkout person, whose story you don’t know. You neither like nor dislike them, so it’s helpful training to offer loving-kindness to them, as we develop that skill and eventually share it with all humans, whether we know them or not. The difficult person can be, well, difficult, so the guidance is to choose someone you might be in conflict with, or dislike, but not the worst person imaginable (like Putin or Hitler – that takes Buddha-level metta skills). And if it’s too much to send loving-kindness to them, just go back to sending it to yourself, as now you are the person who is suffering, and you deserve love and compassion as much as any other human being.
One of the many things I love about Buddhist psychology is that these are skills, that can be learned and integrated into your life. You don’t need to sit in a monastery in Nepal for 10 years, meditating for 16 hours a day, to develop skills like metta, or have them impact your life in positive ways. In fact, one study showed that sitting for just 13 minutes daily, over an eight-week duration, can improve your mood, reduce anxiety and fatigue, while enhancing attention and working memory. As a long-term meditator, I can testify that regular practice really does help my mood, as well as allowing me to deal with psychological problems like stress and anxiety, or physical problems like chronic back pain with more equanimity and self-compassion.
If you would like to try a metta practice for yourself, here is one from my newly expanded YouTube channel, accompanied by soothing sounds and beautiful images.
I hope you enjoy it – and that you have a blessed, metta-filled day.
Love,
Dan ❤️
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