Why My Addictive Parts are Obsessed with Football
Image by Jason Charters/Unsplash
I have a confession to make… I’m addicted to football. Actually, to be more precise, I’m addicted to one football team: Tottenham Hotspur. The team I have supported, through ups and (many, many) downs since I was six years old and my beloved grandpa took me to my first football match. The game was played at Tottenham’s old ground, White Hart Lane, before they moved into their shiny new mega-stadium in 2019. I don’t remember much about it, but when your wonderful old Jewish grandpa takes you to see a game, played by his team – who he had supported since the First World War – you don’t have much choice. From that moment on, they were my team too.
But, before you tune out, this post is not about football. It’s about obsession, addiction and the way our protective parts latch on to things to keep us safe, in sometimes quite subtle and complex ways. If you’re not a regular reader and so not yet familiar with the idea of parts, you will find this guide to internal family systems (IFS) helpful. For the rest of you, a quick refresher: IFS is based around the concept that we are not one self, but many. Some of these selves, or parts, are young and hurt, carrying painful memories, feelings and beliefs from childhood. Others are protective, using a wide range of strategies to ensure that these young ones don’t get hurt again.
My internal system, like yours, comprises both kinds of parts. And my protectors are further sub-divided into managers (busy, hard-working, managing your life) and firefighters (reactive, impulsive, solely focused on dousing the flames of painful emotions by whatever means necessary). These firefighters can be obsessive and are the key players in any kind of addiction (or ‘addictive processes’, as Cece Sykes, a renowned IFS therapist and world-leading expert on addiction, describes them).
Why my firefighters love football
Like many of you, I experienced childhood trauma. And, like many of you, that trauma led me to struggle with substance abuse in later life. Alcohol was my best/worst friend for many years, because my firefighters used it to help numb my pain on a daily basis. Happily, after many years of therapy and other forms of trauma healing, I now have a healthy relationship with alcohol, drinking a few glasses of wine at the weekend and spending most of my life joyfully sober. Honestly, it’s not even a struggle, because I love waking up with a clear head, feeling fresh and sharp all day as I help other people with the same kind of trauma healing that has been transformative for me.
One problem: I took away all the things my firefighters used to use to numb out, avoid and distract from painful feelings. And they need something, because of course I still feel hurt, upset, anxious, vulnerable, angry and lost because I am human and humans feel these things, often. So my heroic firefighters needed new and creative ways to help me get through the day. My current addictions include: football, coffee, tech and work. In some ways, this is a bit annoying, especially for an expert on trauma and addiction! In some ways I feel I should have transcended these silly obsessions and move through the day, with Buddha-like, unbreakable mindfulness and calm.
But then I think, Does it really matter? Coffee is much better than booze. Over-using tech is way less problematic than the kind of painful, chaotic life I used to lead when I was younger. Cece Sykes calls these ‘low-risk firefighter strategies’, because although the exact same addictive process is at play whether I’m drinking whisky or mainlining nonsensical news about Tottenham, one causes a whole lot more problems than the other.
Low-risk firefighter strategies
You may have similar issues (if you’re addicted to Tottenham, you have my sympathies, because it provides far more pain than pleasure) but perhaps different, relatively benign obsessions. Some people find crossword puzzles addictive, others can’t get enough of golf. Plenty of people enjoy gaming on their phone, which doesn’t do it for me, but I totally get the engrossing, high-level distraction offered by that little glass screen. You may be obsessed with cooking, or your allotment, or the gym – any activity will do for your protective parts, as long as it’s distracting and engrossing enough to shut out those pesky worries and anxious, sad or lonely feelings.
Of course, any activity can be healthily enjoyable, distracting even, without becoming the kind of all-consuming obsession that is the hallmark of an addictive process. It might be helpful to spend 10 minutes journalling after reading this, to separate out those activities you merely enjoy from those that are a bit problematic for you. If you’re struggling, ask a close friend or family member, who will have no trouble pointing out any obsessional behaviour!
Finally, please remember there is no reason to feel embarrassed or ashamed about any of this. We all need ways to help manage difficult thoughts and feelings. That’s part of what makes us human. If you have experienced trauma in your life, you will need more ways of coping – and perhaps more extreme strategies to manage more extreme ways of feeling. As you’re journalling, try to explore these issues with a measure of kindness and self-compassion.
After all, I have spent 30 years in the personal-development world, have had a ton of therapy and know a great deal about this stuff. If that’s not enough to vanquish my Tottenham addiction, it’s clear that we all need a little something to get us through the day. And as long as those things are fairly benign and low-risk firefighter strategies, maybe we should all cut ourselves some slack.
Love,
Dan ❤️
Enjoying Dan’s blog? Please make a small donation to support his work – all donations received will go to help Dan offer low-cost therapy or free resources to those who need them. Thank you 🙏🏼