How to Forgive Yourself for a Painful Past
Looking back over your life, how do you feel about it? I hope mostly good, but I suspect that there are aspects of your life you regret, feel embarrassed or even ashamed about. Even though that might be painful, in some ways it’s a good thing – the concept of ‘healthy shame’ means that we are conscious when we have hurt someone, behaved badly or done something regrettable. This is like a message from your conscience that helps you learn from your mistakes, so you never do it again.
This is quite different from what psychologists call ‘toxic shame’, which is when we feel, deep down, that we are bad or wrong because of something we have done. This kind of shame is horrible, has no possible benefit and is the core work of most psychotherapy, helping you process and eventually let go of this corrosive emotion, like you would throw out some long-forgotten, mouldy food from the darkest corner of your fridge. Viewed through a parts lens, of course we wouldn’t throw out the part feeling that shame, just the shame itself, which hurts that poor part as much as it does the rest of you.
It’s also helpful to distinguish between guilt and shame. We feel guilt when we make a mistake, like sending an insensitive message or forgetting a friend’s birthday. We would then think, ‘Oh crap, I did something bad.’ But shame is when we make the same mistake and then think, ‘I am bad.’ Far more destructive and almost always untrue, because we usually think we are bad when we made an all-too-human mistake. Or, especially for folks with a trauma history, someone did something horrible to us and we blame ourselves for it in some way, thinking we deserved this horrible treatment and so should suffer for it. This is patently untrue and, again, is often the core work of psychotherapy, especially if it’s trauma therapy.
Try making amends
The key to letting go of all this inner turmoil is to forgive yourself, whatever you might have done. But forgiveness is tricky, especially if you have actually hurt someone or done something that jars with your values, like being mean to your kids or having an affair. In that case, I think the ninth step in 12-step recovery programmes is very helpful: make amends to the person you hurt. This can be on a spectrum, from minor trangressions like being snappy with your daughter to major ones like betraying your partner, but the fundamental principles remain the same.
Either way, it’s helpful to own what you have done – let’s take the first example, which would look like sitting your daughter down and apologising for being snappy. In therapy, we call this a ‘non-defensive apology’ and it’s really powerful (unlike one of those politicians’ non-apology apologies which seems fake and just makes things worse). You might say, ‘Darling, I’m so sorry for getting cross with you earlier. I was tired and stressed out, but that doesn’t make it OK. I totally messed up and I am truly sorry.’
You can then make amends by adding, ‘How can I make this right? What would help you feel better?’ She might want a bowl of ice cream, or a hug. Perhaps she would want something more, like asking for you to work on your anger, or promise to be more patient with her. At this stage, unless she’s asking for a new puppy or an infinite supply of chocolate, you have to say yes, because this is the second step to repairing the ‘rupture’ you caused earlier.
Dr John Gottman, eminent couples therapist and co-founder of the Gottman Institute, says the secret to a good relationship is not to never have ruptures, because that’s impossible. Whether that relationship is with your partner or kids, you will sometimes rub each other up the wrong way, bicker or hurt the one you love, however hard you try not to. Instead, the key is how you heal those ruptures: how skilled you both are at repair. And the non-defensive apology and making amends are key stages in repair after a rupture.
Now forgive yourself
When you have healed the rupture, given your daughter a big hug, promised to work on your stress and anger in future, it’s time to forgive yourself. This is a key step, because what many of us do is now turn ‘I did something bad’ (hurt my beloved child) into ‘I am bad’ (only a terrible person would hurt their kid) and carry the toxic shame this triggers in our heart and mind for years. Why? What possible good could that do? None. In fact, the more shame you feel, the more likely you are to feel thin-skinned and defensive and get snappy again the next time your daughter is challenging. Say sorry, make amends, let it go.
This is, of course, easier said than done. But it’s still a useful ambition to hold – that instead of carrying shame for all the things you did wrong, or wish you could undo, try making amends to that person and then letting it go. After all, carrying the radioactive gloop of shame inside will only cause you suffering. And life is hard enough already, without punishing yourself for mistakes you made in the distant past, which everyone else involved has probably long forgotten.
Love,
Dan ❤️
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