How to Deal with Criticism: A Guide for Sensitive Souls
Image by Andreas Haslinger/Unsplash
As a sensitive, introverted person, some days I just want to hide away in my cosy home, having profound, moving online conversations with my lovely clients. Other days I’m writing, recording webinars or meditations, all from the comfort of my study. This is my safe space, where I feel useful and like an expert and don’t have to deal with large numbers of other people, which can be a bit overwhelming. The problem is, parts of me are much more outward-facing. They want me to write books, communicate to people on social media or through my newsletter, make YouTube videos, teach workshops and courses, appear on podcasts and in the media.
This is a powerful internal struggle – called a polarisation in internal family systems – between those aspects of me that want to hide away and the others who believe I have something to say, something to contribute to the world. Not in any special way, but just as one of a huge network of people striving to make the world a better place, with more love, understanding and compassion and less anger, hostility and division. Sorely needed right now, I would say.
But, as I have learned over the years, that means opening yourself up to criticism, dislike and disagreement. Honestly, I have parts who really don’t like criticism! Every time I get a one-star review on Insight Timer, people unsubscribing from this newsletter or a sharp reply to a LinkedIn post, it stings a bit. And this is not surprising, because evolutionary psychologists teach us that humans are inherently sensitive to dislike and rejection. That’s because 10,000 years ago when we all lived in small villages, surrounded by fences to keep wild, hungry animals out, if your tribe rejected you from the group and kicked you out, that would probably be your last night on Earth.
It’s deeply wired in to your brain and nervous system to be highly sensitive for the tiniest hint of rejection, because on an evolutionary level it feels life or death. Of course, my rational brain knows that getting a one-star review is not the same as being alone on the moonlit savannah, being stalked by a hungry pride of lions! But I have had to work hard to become less bothered by criticism – if you also find it difficult to accept, here’s what I have learned.
How not to take it personally
One of the reasons I find criticism uncomfortable is that I often take it too personally. Despite knowing this, it can be hard not to, especially if it’s a meditation practice, blog post or webinar I have poured my heart and soul into. It feels like the disgruntled person is criticising me, not just the thing they have read, watched or listened to. But then I think, I don’t have to be so affected by what this person thinks. If they don’t like it, that’s OK – it’s entirely their right to like or dislike it and share their thoughts either way. I can even send them compassion, because they’re feeling irritated or disappointed right now, which is a form of suffering.
This helps a little, but on bad days critical feedback still gets under my skin. And that’s because I was criticised and attacked a lot as a child, so Little Dan is (understandably) very sensitive to negative comments now. When he gets triggered by a critical review I spend time talking to him, comforting him and getting him to stand behind me so he can feel my big, adult body shielding him from any negative energies. This is such a simple but helpful technique, whenever you feel a bit anxious about something and need to protect your little self.
I also remember this story, from Dr Janina Fisher, one of my most cherished trauma-therapy teachers. Dr Fisher says she often has to deal with anger, criticism or harsh words from her clients, because they have severe trauma histories and so, sadly, misunderstandings are common in her consulting room. They accuse her of being cold and unfeeling, distant or insensitive. And, because she knows she is none of those things (watch a video of her to see how warm, caring and sensitive she actually is!) their criticism is not about her, but the person she reminds them of.
The tricky role of transference
This is called transference in therapy jargon and refers to the way old, unconscious stuff from someone’s life gets projected on to their therapist. So an older male therapist reminds a younger client of her father, who was cold and dismissive, which she sees in the therapist’s body language and facial expression, even if it’s neutral. Or when a 60-year-old female therapist observes how often her younger male client arrives late for the session, he is reminded of his impatient, demanding grandmother, who would snap at him if he was a few minutes late to visit her in the care home.
In these moments, Dr Fisher just thinks to herself, This has absolutely nothing to do with me. It’s a mantra I use often when, for example, someone strongly dislikes one of my meditations on Insight Timer that has, until that point, had five-star reviews. Or another therapist takes exception to one of my LinkedIn posts, even though the feedback was overwhelmingly positive up to that point. In those moments, I think: This has absolutely nothing to do with me. Something has triggered them, or landed badly, which I don’t have to feel terrible about, because it’s all to do with their sensitivity, not my screwup.
It’s important to note here that of course I do make mistakes – all the time! As a (recovering) perfectionist, it’s all too easy for me to listen back to my practices or watch my webinars and wince at all the things I wish I could re-record, because they’re not quite right. But that’s why Dr Fisher’s mantra is so helpful for me, because I have a tendency to take way too much responsibility for things and be much too perfectionistic/self-critical. I’m also working on listening to helpful, constructive feedback less defensively, so I can use it to inform the next blog post, webinar or meditation in a positive way.
Try using this mantra for yourself this week, because I guarantee you that most things people criticise, judge or belittle you for are in no way your fault. It’s usually projection, transference or some other powerful but unconscious process unfolding that is all about them, not you.
Love,
Dan ❤️
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