How to Get Comfortable with Change: Part 2
Image by Karl Solano/Unsplash
How are you with change? People seem to fall on a spectrum when it comes to change, at one end finding it exciting, stimulating and energising. At the other are folks (like me) who find it discombobulating and uncomfortable. As my family and friends will tell you, I am a big fan of routines and patterns, finding predictable things comforting. I think this aversion to change has worsened over the years, because when I was young I loved going on crazy adventures, like spending six months travelling through the States alone as a teenager, hitch-hiking 3,000 miles and hungrily seeking risky, mind-expanding adventures. Pushing 60, I’m not such a fan of being outside my comfort zone, which I guess is not unusual – we all tend to slow down and enjoy our creature comforts as we get older.
Given my mild phobia of change, it’s amusing how much going with the flow I am currently having to do. First we moved out of London, from an area I loved and had lived in for 20 years. I’m getting acclimatised to East Sussex, and enjoy it in many ways, but it’s still an adjustment. We then created a cosy study for me to work in, which started to feel like home. Then the builders arrived! First in a dribble, a painter here and plumber there, but from this week it’s a flood, as we renovate large sections of the house. I’m now working from the summerhouse in our garden, which is fine – but we spent the first morning frantically getting wifi up and running before my first session, which was not ideal.
The parts of me who especially need calm, order and peace are a bit freaked out. But there is also a wiser, older voice inside that says, stop fighting and struggling, just go with the flow and all will be well. In internal family systems language, this voice would be my Self – the wise, calm, compassionate inner me who is like the sensible adult, bringing order to the kindergarten full of hectic younger versions of me, who are finding all this change confusing and uncomfortable.
Change is inevitable, suffering is not
I wrote about change from a Buddhist perspective in a recent post, but wanted to add some helpful ideas from IFS, which may be useful if you are at the uncomfortable end of that change spectrum. Let’s start with the Buddha’s teaching that change is inevitable, because everything is in a state of flux, all the time (known as impermanence in Buddhist psychology). This is the natural order of things, but we humans don’t much like that idea, so kick and scream and struggle to keep things just as they are, at all times. This inevitably creates suffering, which is the profound insight at the heart of the Buddha’s teaching.
Viewed through an IFS lens, we can think about which parts of me like change and which ones do not. I definitely have some dopamine-seeking parts, who used to indulge in all sorts of crazy adventures and illicit substances (especially on that teenage trip to the States!). These days, the strongest substance I consume is a glass of wine with dinner, so these parts – who crave excitement, stimulation and quick hits of dopamine – have to make do with occasional wine and more frequent hits of caffeine, as coffee is my main substance of choice these days.
The parts who dislike change and seek stability are, I think, the highly sensitive little kids inside, who need peace, calm, tidiness and order to feel OK. As I explain in the self-help book I just finished, I spent many years struggling with my mental health from my mid-twenties on. I found that the more chaotic it was in my head, the more organised and tidy it needed to be in my physical environment. If you struggle with your mental health, you may well understand this. Thirty years later, having worked long and hard to improve my mental health and wellbeing, I still find that my head can feel quite intense at times. A tidy, ordered environment helps me feel calm, centred and safe.
Then there is that voice I mentioned earlier, which has many names in different schools of psychology and wisdom traditions. In neurological terms, this is the voice of my prefrontal cortex (PFC), which is the only part of the brain that can be mindful, compassionate and resilient. The PFC is uniquely able to communicate with and regulate the more emotional, reactive parts of the brain, like the amygdala. And in IFS we call this inner resource the Self, which provides a deep well of warmth, wisdom and stability when all else is a bit shaky and uncertain.
If you are struggling right now, for any reason, and would like to taste a little Self-energy (the energetic embodiment of Self), you may enjoy my practice, The Path: IFS Meditation. You can find this on my YouTube channel with a lovely, calming video to complement my audio practice. Or in my Insight Timer collection. You can also find it in my (non-profit) online store, if you would like to download the practice for yourself.
I hope you enjoy the practice, whichever version you opt for.
Sending love from my summerhouse,
Dan ❤️
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