What the Buddha Taught Us About How to Embrace Change
Image by Abhijeet Gourav/Unsplash
As I write this, my study is packed with boxes of all shapes and sizes. After moving to the country last December, we are renovating our new home, so there is a constant flow of burly men, boxes and building materials in and out of the house. This is of course wonderful, as the house will look amazing when it’s done. And I am lucky enough to have married an architect, so I just sit here and work while my brilliant wife, Laura, turns a dated, slightly dilapidated house into a sleek, modern home.
But, these boxes. Part of me really struggles with all this chaos and confusion, because they like life to be ordered and predictable. They also like my space to be tidy and, ideally, box-free. These parts are freaking out a little, because I know it will be like this for months now, until the bulk of the work is done. I’m guessing that many of you can relate to my slightly freaked-out state, especially if you struggle with worry and anxiety.
Every anxious client I have ever worked with has found being out of control anxiety-provoking. They have sought certainty, predictability, order in their lives. And this totally makes sense, because no-one likes feeling out of control. It is quintessentially human to seek certainty, to look for comfort and safety, especially if you experienced childhood trauma and know all too well the feeling of being out of control, feeling scared and unsafe, even in your own home.
The illusion of control
As a trauma therapist, I draw on a wide range of models to help my clients heal. And running through my work is a rich seam of wisdom drawn from Buddhist psychology, because what the Buddha taught us 2,500 years ago remains true today. One of his great insights into the human condition is that, although we all seek control and want things to stay just as they are, sadly this is an illusion. That’s because everything – you, me and the atoms that make up our bodies – is in a state of flux and change. The Buddha described this as impermanence and his ideas are backed up by modern physics, which recognises that nothing stays the same forever.
As I approach 60, I hope to have another 20 or 30 years on this planet. When I die, the atoms that make up my body will reconfigure in another living thing – a tree, perhaps, or a rabbit. And I love that idea, because it means we are all eternal, even if that’s in another form. And the atoms I am merely borrowing for my fairly brief existence were formed billions of years ago, in the core of a dying sun, then blasted out into the universe when that star died in a blazing supernova. I also love this idea, that what I think of as me is in fact just stardust, born in the unfathomably vast depths of space and time.
As we humans try to stay in control, of everything and all the time, in fact this just creates suffering (another of the Buddha’s wise teachings) because we can’t control much of what happens to us. Ageing, sickness, mortality, all are inevitable, so rather than fighting them or thinking we can somehow stop them, the key to good mental health lies in acceptance – changing what we can and letting go of what we cannot.
Holding on too tightly
Here’s a little practice for you: Make fists with both hands, as tight as you can. Hold the fists, keeping as much tension as you can in your fingers and hands. Hold, hold, hold – how does that feel? A little uncomfortable, no? And then… release, open your hands up and feel the physical relief. That’s a bit better, isn’t it.
That’s what most of us do, most of the time. Hold on far too tightly, with the illusion of control, creating pain and discomfort. When we learn to let go of what we cannot possibly control, we feel a greater sense of calm, ease and peacefulness. This is especially important if you have anxious young parts and worrying protectors, but it’s a useful lesson for us all.
I hope that’s a helpful idea for you. If you want to take it further, one of the core skills the Buddha taught was mindfulness, which helps us be fully absorbed in and accepting of the present moment, whether it’s pleasant or unpleasant, happy or sad, ecstatic or mundane. One of my favourite mindfulness practices is the Mountain Meditation, which you can try in my Insight Timer collection by clicking on the button below.
I hope you enjoy it.
Love,
Dan ❤️
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