If You’re Feeling Down, Remember there is Always Hope
Image by Francesco Ungaro/Pexels
Feeling depressed can be horrible. It drains all the joy and colour from your life, leaving you feeling profoundly unhappy and dissatisfied with everyone and everything. When you’re low, you may struggle to find any motivation or energy. Even the smallest tasks can feel daunting, like climbing a mountain, not just doing the laundry.
You may notice your thoughts skew negative, viewing the world through a pessimistic, hopeless lens. My depressed clients have used many metaphors over the years, but they are often heavy or dark, like being surrounded by thick grey fog, or carrying a huge boulder on their back.
The heavy, exhausting nature of depression is very familiar to me, as I spent many years struggling with depression after the traumatic loss of my father when I was just 24. As I explain in my new book, my dad died suddenly when I was heading home from two years living in Asia, post-university. The combination of this complicated grief, as well as childhood trauma being triggered by the deeply painful loss, tipped me into a dark place, which is where I existed for decades.
So I understand depression all too well – I have lived it for more years than I would like to remember. But I also understand how to free yourself of its crushing grip, because I have spent the 30-plus years since my dad died on a healing journey, involving various kinds of talk therapy, 16 years of daily meditation practice, embracing sobriety, regular exercise, and much more besides. My personal experience of depression, as well as seeing what worked best for my clients, led me to develop my CALM Meditation for Depression, which people seem to love. Here's how it works.
The CALM practice in action
Let’s explore this practice through Jenny's story. Jenny* was a middle-aged mother of three who had struggled with a diagnosis of major depressive disorder her whole adult life. Jenny’s depression came in waves – she would be fine for a few months, then it would creep up on her again. ‘It just seems to come out of the blue,’ she told me in our first session. ‘I know stress makes it more likely to come back, ditto insomnia. But I still find it baffling—and truly horrible, when it’s bad.’
After explaining the internal family systems (IFS) model to Jenny, we explored her depression through a parts-based lens. I then taught her my CALM Meditation, which we practised in-session and she used daily for homework. The first stage was to be curious about her experience. When she focused inside, Jenny noticed her body felt heavy and her posture slumped, as if gravity had increased its downward pull. Her heart felt blocked and shut tight, as if nothing warm or nourishing could find its way in.
She also realised one part of her was holding all the depression and low mood—a young part we called Little Jenny. ‘She’s so crushed and hopeless,’ explained Jenny tearfully, ‘as if nothing could ever make her feel better.’
Turning toward her suffering
We know that one of the things that can both make us vulnerable to depression and make it hard to climb out of is responding to ourselves with frustration, irritation, or self-judgment. In IFS, the part treating us this way is often the inner critic, which can play a pivotal role in depression. That's why the next step in my CALM practice is acceptance, which doesn’t mean passively allowing the depression to paralyse us. Instead, we accept that we are feeling low, right now. And that there is one particular part who is struggling, who needs patience and warmth, not judgment or blame.
For Jenny, this step involved speaking gently to her little self, letting her know it’s OK to be down sometimes and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. ‘Little Jenny,’ she whispered softly. ‘I know you feel bad about being down and like you’re being weak or lazy. But none of that is true; you’re just struggling, which is totally normal. Everyone struggles sometimes and millions of people are depressed, right now, so there’s no reason to feel ashamed or embarrassed.’
Loving her little self
The next, and perhaps most important step in CALM is to love the part of you that's suffering. Once you get this is just a little kid, feeling low for a whole host of good reasons (for Jenny these involved being abused as a little girl, which played havoc with her mental health), it’s easier to treat this child with the same warmth, kindness, and empathy you would show to one of your own children.
This really helped Jenny, so we first had her focus on one of her kids and imagined what she would say to them if they were suffering. Being a warm, loving mother, she found this part easy. She then used those caring, maternal feelings to pivot to Little Jenny. ‘Sweet girl,’ she said, ‘I’m so sorry you’re struggling. I know you feel all alone in a big, scary world, but that's not true – I’m here with you, I love you, and we’ll get through this together.’
As well as practising CALM every day, I asked Jenny to find a photo of herself as a child, then visualise this little girl when she was speaking to her depressed young part. She imagined giving her big, comforting hugs, taking her for walks with the dog, and reading Little Jenny’s favourite books to her. This all helped channel her love and care inward, which slowly dissolved her depression and lifted her mood.
Helping the changes stick
The final step in my CALM practice involves being mindful of your body, to notice any good feelings that have arisen after the first three steps. This is key to integrate the healing and drink in positive experiences to counter the negativity bias inherent in depression. I guided Jenny to say goodbye to her inner child for now, let go of the practice and mindfully scan her body to see if she could notice any good feelings. These can be quite subtle, especially if you’re feeling down and unused to pleasurable inner experiences, but Jenny noticed her muscles had relaxed; she felt lighter and a little warmth in her chest.
I asked her to focus on those somatic sensations, enjoy them, and let them soak in for 30 seconds. As she did, I noticed a slight smile playing at her lips – the first time she had smiled since I met her, which I knew was a good sign. We repeated this practice, along with many others, for a few weeks and Jenny’s mood gradually began to lift. And not only was she depression-free, but she now had concrete tools to help herself whenever she noticed her mood begin to dip again.
I hope you found that helpful. If you’re struggling with depression or low mood, please do give my CALM practice a try. You can listen to it in the (non-profit) store on my website, or my Insight Timer collection. As I know all too well, depression can be awful, but we don’t have to live with it for the rest of our lives. There is always hope, and healing is always possible, however long you have been suffering, so please get the help you need to emerge from the dark into a lighter, happier life.
Love,
Dan ❤️
*All case studies in these posts are composites – I never tell the stories of real clients, as confidentiality is very important to me.
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