What is Emotional Neglect? And how does it Affect You as an Adult?
Image by Katerina Kerdi/Unsplash
When you think of a child being physically neglected, it’s easy to understand what that looks like. Perhaps they are growing up in poverty, so don’t have enough to eat. They may not be able to bathe often enough, so go to school dirty and wearing scruffy, hand-me-down clothes. This is very hard for any child and can be traumatising, so if anything like this was your experience as a kid I am truly sorry. No child should have to grow up this way, especially in a world where so many people have vastly more than they need.
It might be harder to understand a child experiencing emotional neglect, partly, as I often say to my clients, because this is about the absence of good things rather than the presence of bad ones. The long-lasting impact of this is also hard to detect in yourself as an adult, because you may not know what you never had. To help you understand emotional neglect and the deep wounds it can cause, let’s start by thinking about child development and what kids need to flourish and grow into confident, healthy adults.
As well as all the practical stuff like a warm, safe home, nutritious food and water, clean clothes, books and toys to stimulate their minds, kids are hungry for emotional nutrients too. In schema therapy, these are called core emotional needs, of which there are five. There are many ways of expressing these needs but here is a nice summary from Harper Clinical Psychology:
Attachment. To be heard, understood, validated – and made to feel safe and secure
Freedom. To be allowed to express your feelings and thoughts – and to make choices
Autonomy. To be allowed independence, growth and to gain constructive feedback
Spontaneity. To have fun, and to show self-expression, exploration and creativity
Boundaries. To learn self-discipline, and to take responsibility for your actions
If any of these core needs were not met for you, as a child, that would have been painful and possibly caused long-lasting difficulties. It would have led to the formation of one or more schemas, which would have profoundly affected the way you think, feel and behave as an adult. Let’s take a look at one of those schemas now.
What is the emotional deprivation schema?
Schemas are neural networks in the brain holding information, which comprises ways of thinking, feeling, body sensations, memories and beliefs. When the schema gets triggered (by something stressful that reminds you of stressful events from childhood) it can also influence your behaviour in all sorts of ways. And the schema that forms when we experience neglect is called Emotional Deprivation. This is a tricky schema to notice, yourself, because again its signature is the absence of good things, rather than the presence of bad things.
How does it feel when this schema is active? A metaphor that seems to resonate with my clients is like having a hole in your chest that can never be filled, however much love, warmth, support or validation you get. You might experience a powerful hunger or yearning for these key emotional nutrients you didn’t get as a child. You might be called ‘needy’ (not my favourite word), which just means your normal, healthy needs were not met when you were young, so you now have greater needs than people without this schema.
The Practice: Getting Your Needs Met
In your journal, spend some time writing about the ideas I have discussed so far – did you already know this stuff, or is it new to you? If it’s new, what do you know now you didn’t before – and how might that help you tell a kinder, more compassionate story about yourself? For example, changing that horrible ‘needy’ word to ‘normal, healthy needs that were unmet as a child’ – see if that helps reframe ways of behaving, perhaps in intimate relationships, you might have felt embarrassed or ashamed of.
Looking at the five areas of core emotional needs, above – which of those were met/unmet for you as a child? That will help you understand what you are especially sensitive to as an adult and which areas to focus on. You may need help from a skilled therapist with this, especially if those needs were profoundly unmet when you were young. But you could start with low-hanging fruit, for example:
If you didn’t get seen and heard as a child, it’s important to surround yourself with people who get you. If you have some friends who get you and others less so, spend more time with the first group, let them be the ones you are vulnerable with, to whom you reach out for support in hard times
If you didn’t experience a secure attachment with your parents, try to pick a romantic partner with as secure an attachment style as possible (here’s a recent post about that). We know from all the research that having a partner who is securely attached is deeply healing for people with an insecure attachment style. And if you’re anxious try to avoid avoidant folks when dating, as this is a classic combination and not great for either partner
If you didn’t get to have fun as a kid – perhaps growing up in a very academic, unemotional family – could you create opportunities for fun, frivolity and play in your life? I must admit, I’m a bit on the serious side, so my son and wife (who are both very good at being silly!) help me lighten up a bit. Watch more comedy, go on funfair rides, try an improv class – seek moments of joy, for you and your inner child, who is craving a bit more playfulness and childish silliness
I hope that helps you understand the way this schema shows up in your life – and emotional neglect more generally. If your needs were unmet as a child, I’m really sorry. Every kid deserves to be loved, cherished and allowed to flourish. If any of those things didn’t happen for you, that’s deeply unfair. I very much hope you can start getting some of those needs met now.
Love,
Dan ❤️
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