Why Learning to Fail is One of Life’s Most Important Lessons
Photo by Eastman Childs/Unsplash
How are you with failure? If you’re like most people I know, probably not so good. Not many of us cope well with failing and many are petrified of it. We may be taught from a young age that success is a key metric of our self-worth – getting a good job, earning lots of money, having a nice house/car, two healthy and attractive kids, plenty of friends, a busy social life, being an academic high-achiever… the list of things we are supposed to excel at is endless.
But given the fluctuating and unpredictable nature of a human existence, nobody can succeed at everything, all the time. It’s just not possible. And I would go further to say it’s actually not desirable. Failure may hurt. It might make us feel worthless, or the subject of ridicule. It could push many of our buttons, making us feel anxious, stressed, embarrassed or ashamed. But failure is, counterintuitively, both important and good as we take our long, meandering journey through life. Let me explain why.
To err is human, to forgive (ourselves) divine
Paraphrasing the famous Alexander Pope line, let’s start with the first part. It is quintessentially human to make mistakes, fall down, mess things up, hurt those we love, get dumped, get fired and get sick at the worst possible time. These are not rare, accidental aspects of being human, they are fundamental to our existence.
Let me give you the first of two examples from my own life. Even though I’m pushing 60, it’s still a little hard to admit, but I didn’t do well at school. Unconsciously, I rebelled against my high-achieving, academic parents (dad PhD, mum professor) by just about scraping enough grades in my O levels to do A levels (that’s the equivalent of getting a high-school diploma, for my American friends). Lord, was I a bad kid in school! I nearly got expelled more than once, hung out with the rough kids, smoked weed and got into as much trouble as I could find.
Despite still smoking weed, I did better at A level and better still at university, and have been on an upward academic trajectory ever since. But would I say my school years were a success? Absolutely not. Does it sting a little to think about them? Absolutely yes. But – as a sober near-60-year-old – do I forgive Teenage Dan, that hurt, angry, confused young man, acting out as so many unhappy teenagers do? Of course, I feel deep compassion for that troubled young man.
Whatever mistakes you have stumbled into, unless they require first making amends to those you have hurt, try to forgive yourself for them. Everyone reading these words has suffered in some way. We’re all flawed human beings, doing our best with what we have. Beating yourself up for failing just adds pain upon pain – it makes no sense. Forgive yourself, learn any lessons you can and then move on. To quote another great poet (and no stranger to teenage misbehaviour), Ferris Bueller: ‘Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.’ The same goes for wasting your life berating yourself for mistakes you made in the distant past.
Try again. Fail again. Fail better
This line is from Samuel Beckett and accurately describes my professional journey. I have tried so many things as a therapist: book ideas, teaching projects, partnerships with other clinicians, non-profit offerings for the public, blogs, websites… Only recently I got excited about a certain blogging platform and announced my new Substack to the world. I was all fired up about it, but soon realised it hosts some really nasty, far-right, antisemitic content and shrugs it off with a ‘freedom of speech’ argument. That did not sit well with my values, so I changed my mind and killed the blog.
This feels a bit embarrassing to admit, but is a good example of trying something and then realising it’s not right, so making a conscious decision to quit. While I was still feeling a bit sheepish about that, Psychology Today reached out and asked me to write a monthly blog, which is really exciting and much more in line with my values. So it all worked out – and I wouldn’t have had headspace for the new blog if I was still on Substack.
And this is a good example of trying, failing and failing better – again, could you apply this to your own life? Are there failures, or setbacks in your life you feel bad about? Can you look back and reframe them, perhaps seeing it as one door closing but another, unexpected one opening? Or just forgive yourself for making a mistake, given everything you know now but didn’t back then.
Life is long, with many twists and turns along the way. Cut yourself some slack. Try to let go of unattainable ideas of perfection – you are human, after all, with all the messiness, flaws and idiosyncracies that entails. And in this age of robotics and perfect-but-soulless AI, that is a beautiful thing.
Love,
Dan ❤️
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