Holding Your Painful Experiences with Open-Hearted Awareness
Image by Anthony Cantin/Unsplash
If you have ever been taught mindfulness meditation, you will be familiar with the metaphor of clouds drifting across a vast, open sky. In this metaphor, the clouds are your thoughts, which might be white and fluffy (pleasant or neutral thoughts) or dark and stormy (emotionally charged thoughts like harsh self-criticism, depressive rumination or anxious worry). But whether the clouds are benign or fizzing with lightning, they pass across the infinite sky, which is not harmed or affected in any way. In this image the sky is awareness, which is the deepest nature of your mind, non-judgemental, insightful and spacious enough to hold any experience, positive or negative, with a loving, balanced presence.
Those familiar with internal family systems will see the parallel between this idea of awareness and Self, which is the healing resource at the heart of IFS’s formulation of the human mind. In IFS, we work patiently with protective parts like the Critic, Worrier and Perfectionist to loosen their grip on your thoughts, feelings and body, while healing the hurt young parts of you. This in turn allows Self-energy – the energetic expression of Self – to flow, giving you access to wonderful qualities like calm, compassion, confidence, patience and perspective.
Buddhist teacher, psychotherapist and IFS practitioner Loch Kelly brings these two concepts together with his idea of ‘open-hearted awareness’, a term I really like. In his book, Shift into Freedom: The Science and Practice of Open-Hearted Awareness, Kelly explains how open-hearted awareness allows us to hold even the most painful thoughts, feelings and experiences with a kind, tender embrace.
Being with, not trying to fix or push away
A term that is often used in IFS World is being with your parts. This means that as we find, say, a hurt young part, our natural tendency is to work hard to fix them, solve their problems, or push for some kind of healing. This doesn’t tend to work, as you will know if you have ever been upset and your partner tried hard to fix you, rather than patiently listening and giving you a big hug. I’m guessing that well-meaning but still slightly insensitive drive to fix everything felt pretty awful, right? The same goes for your parts, who need loving, not fixing.
Another tendency is to try and avoid, numb out or get rid of painful feelings. In IFS terminology this means ‘exiling’ them – banishing the little part, with all their suffering and intensity, into a dark corner of your unconscious mind. Dr Richard Schwartz, founder of IFS, calls these young parts ‘basement children’, which is powerful and evocative. These hurt little kids are locked in the basement of your mind, which works for a while until they come bursting out at the worst possible moment, like on a first date, or during your driving test. Clearly not helpful.
The Practice: Being with Your Parts
Let’s make all this theory a bit more concrete and practical for you. How can you learn to hold your hurt young parts with open-hearted awareness? What does it mean to be with them, rather than repressing or trying to fix them? You could explore this in your journal, using these questions as prompts:
Which feelings do you commonly push away? Many people struggle with anger, often for good reasons, so you may exile angry thoughts or feelings. Men may struggle with vulnerability, equating it with weakness. Women might have been taught they should be nice, kind and caring, so exile any thoughts or feelings that clash with this socially constructed idea of being ‘good’
Do you notice yourself trying to fix or quickly leap to problem-solve your own or others’ experiences? There is nothing wrong with this, of course, it’s just that it can be jarring if we go there too soon. If a friend was crying, you might give them a hug, use warm, simple phrases to comfort them, before trying to solve their problems. This is what being with looks like – and it’s just what our parts (like our friends and family members) need when they feel upset
Next time you feel anxious, angry, lonely or upset, try closing your eyes and breathing deeply, in through your nose and out through your mouth. Let your belly rise and fall with each breath. Now try breathing deeply into the place in your body that feels painful or tight. Visualise the flow of breath into your nostrils, down your throat and into the constricted place in your body. You might also place a warm, supportive hand over this spot. Stay with that for a minute and then notice how you feel. This is another kind of being with and often helps the tension dissipate, in a simple, patient way, rather than trying to get rid of the feeling asap
Think about the strategies your protective parts might use to help you distract, avoid or numb out painful feelings. This may be comfort-eating, drinking, smoking cigarettes or weed, playing endless games on your phone or online, shopping, scrolling social media, using gambling, pornography or anything else that helps you escape from your present-moment experience. No judgement here, no right or wrong, just notice these patterns of avoidance
What would it be like to try being with these feelings/parts, instead of repressing them? Start with something small, like feeling a bit anxious or somewhat upset. Use the breathwork/supportive touch practice above and experiment with holding these difficult aspects of your experience with open-hearted awareness. This will become easier with practice, so persevere even if it’s challenging at first. Try keeping a record of how it goes in your journal, so you can track progress over time
I hope that helps explain these important, if slightly hard-to-grasp concepts. And that you have a wonderful day, suffused with self-compassion, tenderness and quiet magic.
Love,
Dan ❤️
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