What Does it Mean to Unburden Your Parts in IFS?
Image by Al Soot/Unsplash
As regular readers will know, I am a big fan of internal family systems (IFS) therapy. Having studied a number of highly effective models of therapy, which I incorporate into my trauma-healing approach, I just find there is something about IFS that resonates deeply with me and my clients. They all seem to love it as much as I do. And one of the key ideas in Dr Richard Schwartz’s model is that of unburdening – releasing painful thoughts, beliefs, emotions and memories held in the brain, body and nervous system. But what does unburdening actually mean? Can we really achieve it, or is unburdening nice-sounding but impractical? And if we can achieve it, how does that actually work in practice?
What are burdens?
First, we have to establish the idea that you have different parts inside, because this is a big paradigm shift and some people can’t wrap their heads around it. When I explain the model to people, I ask them to imagine a situation where they are torn, or ambivalent. Say it’s losing weight – something in them says: You know this is a good idea. The doctor told you that losing 10lb would be great for your health. So let’s eat sensibly and start exercising, in a careful, step-by step way. But another voice says: Screw that! What does that stupid doctor know anyway? I hate the gym, it’s so boring. Lets just slob out, eat a tub of ice cream and watch Netflix.
Immediately we can see there are two voices, with contrasting viewpoints, inside. It’s then a simple step to say these voices are coming from different parts of you, who are ‘polarised’, in IFS terminology – wanting opposite things and pulling you in different directions. Once we establish this idea – that you have multiple selves inside, not just one – we move on to the notion that these parts carry burdens. The hurt young parts of you carry the burden of pain – negative self-beliefs, hurtful feelings and traumatic memories. So one part may feel worthless, which is a belief. And the emotions that go with that could be a sense of sadness and shame. These beliefs and emotions are linked to memories of being bullied at school, or verbally abused by a critical parent. Wrap all that painful stuff in a big bundle and that is the burden this part carries.
Protective parts also carry burdens: the burden of doing their job, whatever that might be for you. Take the Worrier – this part is active 24/7, hypervigilant, stressed out, constantly scanning the horizon for anything that might go wrong, or be hurtful in some way. When you speak to this part and ask them what it’s like to be them, to do their job, they usually say it’s miserable and exhausting. They work so hard, with no respite or reward, because they are desperately trying to protect you. And this is their burden, because their day-to-day existence is no fun at all.
Can we really release them?
Despite being so passionate about the IFS model, I get that some of it seems a bit out there. And this idea – that we can release unprocessed emotions held by inner parts of us – can be a bit hard to explain, or may even seem a bit New Age and woo woo. Dr Schwartz says something important about this, which is that until you experience IFS, and especially an unburdening, it’s all just words. So I would strongly encourage you to find a skilled IFS therapist and experience this wonderful, warm, compassionate approach to healing for yourself.
And one way to simplify this concept is to imagine being angry and doing something, physically, to release that anger. You might shout, or swear, or pound a cushion. And this helps release the energetic force of anger in your body, so you feel some relief. Essentially that’s what happens in an unburdening, it’s just a bit more complex to set up, needs the help of a skilled practitioner, and can be transformative rather than merely providing momentary release. I have experienced many unburdenings in my own IFS therapy and, often, the part changes in every way – they often become older, stronger and brimming with health. It’s like we have extracted a noxious substance from their bloodstream, so they no longer feel scared, hurt or lacking self-worth. It’s just gone, so they instantly feel better. It doesn’t always work like this – sometimes it’s a much more gradual process involving repetition and different strategies, but when it works the parts (and so, of course, you) always feel better.
How burdens are released: the nitty gritty
Let me give you a concrete example of how unburdening works. Imagine you got bullied in school, as very sadly so many children do. If this happened when you were eight, you will have an eight-year-old boy, girl or non-binary child inside, holding all the pain, rage and helplessness of that experience. If I was your therapist, we would first get permission from any parts protecting this eight-year-old – an angry one, say, or people-pleasing part – and then hang out with the eight-year-old, internally. This would mean closing your eyes and connecting with this part through imagery, which allows us to work with parts held in your unconscious mind.
After various ‘healing steps’ we would come to the unburdening, so we would ask this kid what they wanted to release. They might say their shame about being bullied, or the helplessness they felt when they couldn’t fight back. We then ask where that is located in their body and how they want to let it go. We offer the elements – fire, air, earth and water – and people often gravitate to one. If the eight-year-old chooses water, we might take them to a beach where the waves can wash all this pain away. If it’s air, they might shout or scream the pain out of their body, into a blustery wind on a mountain top. The only restriction to this is your imagination – anything goes, as long as it’s transformative and healing.
After releasing the emotional toxins from their body, we ask the part if they want to take in positive beliefs, emotions or qualities to replace them. They might choose feeling calm, safe and happy, so we find a way to help them absorb that (I often get them to absorb these lovely feelings in the warm, soft rays of sunshine). If we have time, there are some other steps to take, but often we stop here and the part – as well as the client – feels much better. ‘Lighter’ is a word people often use, which is interesting in terms of a burden being lifted.
I hope that gives you some insight into this wonderful, magical process. But as Dr Schwartz emphasises, the best way to understand it is to experience it for yourself. I hope you find someone kind and skilful to help with that process.
Love,
Dan ❤️
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