If You Feel Insecure in Relationships, an Abandonment Schema May be to Blame
Image by Babi/Unsplash
Do you find your romantic relationships following a similar pattern: You start the relationship feeling more confident and sure of your partner’s affections, especially in the honeymoon phase when you can’t get enough of each other. But as that (mostly hormonal) phase inevitably wears off, you may feel like they are losing interest and backing off a little. They might take longer to answer your texts, or be a bit elusive when making plans. And these subtle signs of them pulling away, whether real or imagined, may feel intolerable for you.
You may feel great surges of anxiety, insecurity or jealousy, imagining the reason they seem less keen is because they have gone off you or met someone else. And you might respond to these deeply uncomfortable feelings by pulling away yourself, perhaps even leaving them before they can leave you. Or you might go the other way, becoming clingy and bombarding them with messages, pushing them away until your feared outcome becomes reality and they do leave. Another option is that you go to great lengths to keep these feelings hidden, twisting yourself into ever more uncomfortable shapes to try and keep your partner happy, at great cost to your own happiness and self-worth.
The insecurity-triggering schema
If any of these scenarios ring true for you, I am sorry – it’s deeply painful to go through life like this. But it may help you to know there is likely to be a schema at the root of your suffering: the Abandonment schema. If you’re new to schema therapy, you can read more about schemas here, but a brief explanation is that they are neural networks in your brain, holding particular kinds of information. A schema holds memories, ways of thinking and feeling, and has a powerful effect on somatic symptoms in your body and the way you behave, especially around other people. The Abandonment schema is, sadly, very common. It also tends to form when you’re very young, as it’s linked to the attachment relationship with your caregivers.
Let me give you an example. Jennifer came to see me because she found romantic relationships a struggle. She always felt deeply insecure about her looks, intelligence and general lovability. ‘When I meet someone I always expect them to leave,’ she explained tearfully. ‘I do have a little confidence when the relationship starts, because they seem attracted to me. But as it goes on that confidence ebbs away and I go a bit crazy. I get really insecure and jealous and start texting them all the time, which always annoys them and pushes them away. And every guy eventually does leave me, which backs up the idea there’s something wrong with me and I will never find love.’
Step one with Jennifer was helping her understand that her powerful, deeply entrenched Abandonment schema was to blame for her lack of confidence and low self-worth. We made links back to her childhood, to a cold, unloving mother and distracted, workaholic father who never had time for her. Jennifer never really felt loved or secure with either parent, so she never developed a secure attachment style or strong sense of self, that she was likeable and lovable just as she was. This is how a schema forms, day by painful day, until it’s strongly wired into the neural architecture of your brain. As an adult, it then gets triggered when you encounter similarly stressful experiences as you did in childhood.
How to heal a Painful Schema
Key to healing Jennifer’s life-limiting schema was having a ‘corrective emotional experience’ in therapy with me. I provided all the warmth, care, support and validation she never received as a child. This helped Little Jennifer – the young, vulnerable part of her who felt so abandoned – feel safe, cared for and cherished. As this healing process unfolded, we worked on helping her find loving, supportive friends and eventually a partner. This is key, because healing attachment wounds is twofold: developing a warm, nurturing relationship with people in the outer world (me, friends, partners) and in the inner world, which meant fostering a warm, loving relationship with herself. And just like Jennifer, the more you can feel and harness the wonderful energies of self-kindness and self-compassion, the more little you and your painful schemas heal.
That helps you feel calmer, safer and more comfortable in your own skin. And this in turn allows you to be different in the world, because you act as if you deserve love and respect, so people treat you that way. None of this is easy, of course – helping clients like Jennifer takes time and effort on both our part. But I know from many years of experience that it is possible. And that brings a little hope, a tiny sliver of optimism, both of which are gold dust in healing from childhood trauma.
I hope understanding about this schema helps – and if you are struggling with relationships, sending you love and warm, hopeful thoughts.
Love,
Dan ❤️
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