Think Your Inner Critic is a Horrible Monster? Think Again
Photo by Artur Voznenko/Unsplash
In my work with clients, I spend a lot of time speaking to their Inner Critics, because it’s a crucial part of therapy. Whatever kind of mental-health problem you might be struggling with, whether that’s low self-esteem, depression, chronic stress or anxiety, I guarantee that your Critic will have a pivotal role to play in that.
But what is an Inner Critic? Well, in some ways it’s easy to understand – tune into your self-critical thoughts and that is the voice of this subpersonality, or part of your mind. Everyone has an Inner Critic, on a spectrum from mild and fairly benign at one end to super-harsh, loud and aggressive at the other. And therapists have been wrestling with this problem for years, whether they are trained in CBT, compassion-focused therapy, schema therapy, psychodynamic therapy or internal family systems (IFS). Everyone in my field knows this is a big problem, but it’s not an easy one to solve.
Why critics are resistant to change
I have tried so many different approaches for working with Critics. And I have found many of them helpful, but achieving meaningful, lasting change can be elusive. For a long time this puzzled me, until I realised that your Critic and mine are strongly connected to the threat system in our brains. They are hypervigilant, scanning the horizon for danger. And when they see it coming, they bark at you to stop you saying or doing the thing that might get you hurt in some way – criticised by a demanding parent or mean boss, rejected by a close friend, or abandoned by your beloved partner.
So it makes perfect sense that Critics don’t want to stand down, because they fear that if they do, something terrible will happen. ‘Not on my watch,’ they say, crossing their arms and digging their heels in still further. I get that, as well as the fact that although their strategy (barking at you) is deeply unhelpful, because it makes you feel awful, their intention (to motivate or protect you) is a good one. IFS, in particular, helped me see that, because this warm, compassionate approach treats all parts with respect, even ‘extreme’ protectors like the Critic.
I was reminded of how deep this respect goes when I read this Psychology Today post by Dr Martha Sweezy, who has authored numerous IFS books and is an assistant professor at Harvard Medical School, as well as a skilled teacher and theoretician, therapist and trainer in the IFS community. Dr Sweezy reminded me that the IFS approach to working with Critics is a big paradigm shift from, say, CBT, where self-criticism is labelled ‘maladaptive’ and harmful, with the stated aim of changing the critical thoughts to compassionate ones. And this is a good idea, of course, but not if it means shaming and trying to get rid of the Critic.
Because, counterintuitively, your Critic genuinely means well. In my clients, I often discover that this part comes online when they are young – from age five upwards. And this internal voice can mimic a critical caregiver, like a parent, grandparent, teacher or sports coach, because this part thinks if it can anticipate criticism from the outside, it can get in there first to modify your behaviour. ‘Don’t say that stupid thing to your grandma!’ it might say, or ‘Why are you being cheeky to your dad, you idiot?’ This is still painful, but much less so than being shouted at by a big, scary adult.
Critics can be transformed
In IFS, the aim is not to get rid of your Critic (which is impossible, like trying to get rid of your left arm). Instead, we approach this part with curiosity and respect, negotiate with them to turn the volume down and stop the name-calling, which will in turn allow you to connect with, reassure and heal the vulnerable, young part the Critic is protecting. We then come back to the Critic and say, ‘Hey, did you notice Little James/June is healed now, so you don’t need to do your job any more. Would you like to try something else?’
At this point, they usually agree and take on a different role inside, like being an advisor or coach. If this all sounds a bit out there and hard to believe, I will say two things. One, as Dr Richard Schwartz, founder of IFS often says, until you actually experience this stuff it’s all just words. So get yourself some IFS therapy, or try one of my Insight Timer practices, like the Fire Drill: IFS Meditation, which is a great way to work with tricky parts like the Critic.
The second point is that I have both experienced this myself, with my lovely IFS therapist, and helped dozens of people change their damaging Critic to a benevolent Guide, Coach or Advisor. It really does work.
And if you are struggling right now, especially if your Critic is at the harsher end of that spectrum, sending you love and warm thoughts, because I have been there and know just how horrible that can be.
Love,
Dan ❤️
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