Transforming Your Inner Critic Might Start with Setting Firm Boundaries
Image by Nadine E/Unsplash
Whatever you might be struggling with, and whichever form of therapy you choose, transforming the Inner Critic is a crucial part of the process. That’s because, although this part of you doesn’t mean to be hurtful, unwittingly it is often the key internal driver of distress. So if you’re struggling with anxiety or panic, depression, an eating disorder, substance abuse or any other kind of psychological problem, your harsh, self-negating thoughts will be at the root of much of your emotional pain and unhelpful behaviour.
As I wrote in a recent post, Critics may seem like horrible, even abusive parts of us, but they (almost always) mean well. Most Critics try to motivate you with tough love: Try Harder! Do better! Push on through the pain! And their aim is also protective, as they want you to try harder so you don’t fail, get judged and criticised by significant others, then feel the hurt and shame that triggers. It’s important to note here that there is a very small subset of critical parts who do seem genuinely destructive and even malevolent – but these are rare and normally only seen in people with extreme trauma histories. If you do have a part like this I am truly sorry, as it makes life miserable – please see a skilled trauma therapist for help with that.
How to push back against the Critic
For most people reading this, who have ‘normal’ Critics, ranging in severity from fairly mild to very shouty and harsh, the first step is realising you actually have an Inner Critic. Changing the language from ‘I think I’m such a loser’ to ‘A part of me thinks I’m a loser’ helps with that (this is called unblending in IFS therapy). We can then begin the long, slow process of transforming your Critic, which is not simple but entirely doable. Many forms of therapy offer effective, experiential roadmaps for this transformation, the best of which I incorporate into my integrative trauma therapy approach.
Especially with the louder, harsher, more aggressive Critics, we often need to start by setting some boundaries. This takes some coaching and a great deal of practice, because when you start responding to your Critic the impulse is to fight back – if they swear at you and call you names, you may (very understandably) want to shout and swear and name-call right back at them. But in my experience of working with hundreds of Inner Critics, this just doesn’t help. It’s like responding to an angry person being hostile by shouting back at them. Everything keeps escalating until you are screaming at each other, unable to hear what the other person is saying, both intent on winning the argument at all costs. That is usually a lose-lose situation.
Instead, thinking of that Critic as a person giving you a hard time, the energy that seems to work best is calm but firm. Here’s an example, using a client called Tom, who is a university student with an especially amped-up Inner Critic:
Critic: Tom, you are so pathetic. What the f*** is wrong with you? Everyone else aced that test, you’re such an idiot. Dumb, dumb, dumb. And what must your tutor think of you with that sad little 53%?
Tom: OK Critic, I hear you. I know you’re freaking out about the test and you’re probably trying to motivate me for the next one, but honestly you’re just stressing me out. As you well know, I have dyslexia, so these written tests are really hard for me. My tutor knows that and we’re working on ways to help, like giving me more time. Also, I need you to stop swearing at me and calling me names, as that is not OK.
Critic: That’s the kind of ‘I’m a victim’ BS you always pull. Stop whining and start revising for the next test!
Tom: Again, I hear you but I want you to stop speaking to me like that. I think you need to take a break, go and have a cup of tea and calm down. I will start revising this afternoon, like I planned in my revision diary. Stop yelling at me, let me handle the revision and it will go so much better.
Critic: OK fine, just get on with it.
One message I always give my clients is that this is not a one-and-done situation – Inner Critics are strong, stubborn and determined, because they are trying to protect you from a (real or imagined) disaster. They are not bad, just misguided. But, as with a real person, it’s not acceptable for anyone to shout, swear or be abusive to you. Try this with your Critic and see how it goes – again, you may need help from a skilled, trauma-informed therapist, especially if you have a trauma history. But it’s a good place to start, before the work of befriending and genuinely transforming this part begins.
I hope that’s helpful – and if you are suffering right now for any reason, sending you love, metta and healing thoughts.
Love,
Dan ❤️
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