Try this Simple Practice to Help Soothe Your Anxiety
Image by Susn Matthiesen/Unsplash
I remember being struck by a video showing an amoeba – the simplest, single-celled form of life – moving away from a painful stimulus. And I thought, Wow, even an amoeba tries to run away from pain! So it’s no wonder we, as far more complex, multi-cellular organisms, do the same thing.
If you have a headache, you probably take some painkillers to try and relieve the pain as quickly as possible. If your back is sore, you might apply a heat pack to ease the tension and discomfort. This makes total sense – who wants to be in pain?
The problem is that when we apply the same logic to psychological pain, it doesn’t work very well. For example, if you’re feeling anxious – which is a painful emotion – you might want to get rid of the anxiety by any means necessary. That might involve taking medication, like Xanax, which is addictive. Or drinking a few beers, which causes various problems if it becomes something you depend on.
You might reach for comfort food, like chocolate or crisps, which cause health problems if over-consumed. Some people smoke cigarettes or weed, gamble, over-spend online, use pornography… all of these strategies create their own mushrooming range of problems, even if they help you numb, avoid or distract from the anxiety in the short term.
Turning towards your pain
Another big problem – as the Buddha taught 2,500 years ago – is that if we react to our anxiety with hostility, fear or frustration it can make the anxiety worse. This is what transforms normal, everyday anxiety into panic – when we react strongly and negatively to our anxiety, we catastrophise about it and think, I can’t bear this feeling, or, It will never get better. Thoughts like this really crank up the anxiety until we’re having a full-blown panic attack, which is truly horrible.
Instead – and counterintuitively – the Buddha taught that turning towards our pain, with curiosity, kindness and compassion, helps to soften and soothe it. This is the core principle in all mindfulness programmes, such as mindfulness-based stress reduction (MBSR) or mindfulness-based cognitive therapy (MBCT). It’s the central idea behind all forms of therapy, but especially parts-based models like schema therapy or internal family systems.
And it’s the theoretical underpinning of my CALM Meditation, which I have recorded for anxiety and depression as part of my Insight Timer collection. Here’s how CALM could help you, if you’re struggling with worry and anxiety on a regular basis.
Avoiding anxiety doesn’t work
Let’s explore this through Jamie’s story. Jamie* is a 24-year-old man, newly graduated and working in his first placement, as he trains to be a counselling psychologist. He has struggled with anxiety for as long as he can remember. ‘I always felt nervous as a kid and hated meeting new people, going to school, family occasions – anything where I had to deal with other people,’ he recalls. Jamie has been diagnosed with social anxiety, linked to persistent bullying by his older brother.
As a gay man, he was also bullied at school and experienced persistent, traumatic homophobic abuse as an adult. No wonder he is scared of other people. In our first session, Jamie explains that he uses a range of avoidance strategies whenever he feels anxious, despite knowing they are unhelpful. ‘I vape a lot and play endless games of Tetris on my phone, anything to distract me from the anxiety,’ he says.
Together we explore the IFS model and the idea that there is a young, traumatised part of Jamie feeling all the anxiety, with a range of protectors using strategies like vaping and screen time to try to numb, avoid and distract from this young part’s painful feelings. This makes sense to Jamie, so I then introduce him to my CALM practice, which goes like this.
How the CALM practice works
First, Jamie learns to be Curious about what he is feeling. He tries putting his phone down and just tuning into the anxious feelings coming from his hurt young part. Jamie notices the anxiety showing up as tension in his belly, butterflies and tension in his neck and shoulders.
Jamie then tries to Accept these feelings, without desperately trying to vape them away. He learns to speak to Little Jamie, acknowledging his feelings without judgement. Hello little one, he says in his head. I’m so sorry you’re struggling – I can really feel how anxious you are and that must be horrible. But it’s normal to feel anxious sometimes, that’s nothing to worry about. And I’m here with you, so you don’t have to face these big feelings alone.
Next comes Love, which Jamie shows to this poor little scared part, who experienced so much bullying, pain and shaming as a child. Jamie breathes deeply, sending warm, friendly breaths into the parts of his body that are tense or painful. He puts a hand over his heart, imagining he is comforting Little Jamie with this warm, supportive touch and the friendly breaths. And he speaks to this scared little kid inside, sending him kindness and care. As he does this, Jamie notices all the anxiety and tension inside soften, as Little Jaime feels seen, heard and reassured.
In the last step, Jamie is Mindful of the new positive feelings inside. He closes his eyes and scans his body, noticing the softening, as well as feelings of calmness, peacefulness and warmth around his heart. He focuses on these feelings, enjoying them and letting them soak into his body. This is a key step, as it’s the healing taking place – both for Little Jamie and in his nervous system, which over time creates a virtuous circle of changes in his mind, brain and body.
I hope that helps, especially if you also struggle with chronic anxiety. Try my meditation on Insight Timer, or you can also find it in my (non-profit) online store, by clicking the button below.
Love,
Dan ❤️
*All case studies in these posts are composites – I never tell the stories of real clients, as confidentiality is very important to me.
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