What Might Depression Be Trying to Tell You?
Image by Pawel Czerwinski/Unsplash
If you have ever been depressed, you know just how hard it can be. Images my clients often use are of being lost in a fog or having a big, black cloud following them everywhere they go. You might feel totally isolated and cut off from humanity, as if there is a thick sheet of glass between you and the world. Your body might feel heavy as lead, lacking even a modicum of energy and as if small tasks feel utterly daunting.
Some people can’t sleep, others can’t stop sleeping. Some find comfort in junk food, others have zero appetite. You might just feel completely low and deeply sad, or also be anxious and jittery. Although there is a broad group of symptoms that tend to go with depression, no-one experiences it in quite the same way. And that’s because you are you, a beautiful, miraculous, utterly unique human being. In some ways you’re just like me (you have facial features, arms and legs, internal organs, a nervous system and powerful brain controlling it all), but in many ways we are completely different. So it is with depression.
However depression shows up for you, one thing is for sure: it’s horrible. Nobody wants to feel depressed and, as the Dalai Lama teaches us, everyone just wants to be happy. But let’s come at this from a slightly different angle. What if your depression had something to say? What might it be trying to tell you? And is that message worth paying attention to?
Not enough (nourishing) connection
One message depression may be trying to share is that you need more people in your life. And not just any people. Because you might have plenty of people – partner, kids, family members, boss, colleagues, friends – in your life, but not enough nourishing people. Humans are built for connection. From the moment of your birth (and some would argue for the nine months before that) you are primed to attach to your caregiver, which for most of us is our mum.
And if that attachment is as it should be, it’s lovely. We feel safe, warm, loved, held in what is called ‘attachment bliss’, because it feels so good. This is what secure attachment feels like and helps us develop a secure attachment style, which smooths our path through adult life. But for around 50 per cent of the population, that early relationship did not meet our core emotional needs. It wasn’t nourishing enough to help us develop optimally and, sadly, our relationships in adulthood may be similarly dissatisfying.
One of the most common problems I see in my practice is people trying to get their needs met by those who are incapable of doing so. That might look like repeatedly seeking kindness and validation from a narcissistic parent, who just doesn’t possess that emotional skillset. It may be asking your practical, logical, emotionally walled off partner for sensitivity, nurturance and emotional support. You might expect too much of one person, perhaps turning towards your spouse for fun, encouragement, support, being a training partner at the gym, your best buddy and always picking you up when you’re down. That’s too much to expect of one person, even if they’re a kind, well-meaning, loving partner.
Of course, getting your needs met is fundamentally important (it’s a key idea in schema therapy, for example). But try to get your needs met by people who can actually meet them. That might look like turning to your warm, kind, empathic friend for support when you’re feeling low. And trusting your super-practical husband for help around the house, or handling the practical labour of the household, rather than the emotional labour. It may involve reducing contact with your narcissistic parent and keeping conversations light and superficial, as much as possible.
Your life needs more meaning
One common cause of depression is a life lacking meaning. It’s one reason I fear the seemingly unstoppable rise of AI, because if large swathes of the population lose their jobs, even if there is some kind of universal basic income, a life without work is one lacking some vital element of what it is to be human. Throughout human history, we have always worked hard for our survival. As hunter-gatherers that might have involved hours spent searching for fruit, nuts and edible roots, or days spent in the wilderness hunting prey.
After the Agricultural Revolution, work would have transformed into planting, tending and harvesting crops. And then using those crops to produce edible products like bread. Fast-forward to the Industrial Revolution and work became harder, dirtier, more dangerous, with back-breakng days spent in factories. Not fun, or enjoyable, but still providing meaning, because that work would help feed your family. You would have been respected as the breadwinner, head of household and provider. Your sacrifice would have been understood. There is intrinsic meaning in that.
We can also find meaning in artistic, creative endeavours (like producing ceramics or writing blog posts). In helping others, especially if that help is both useful and appreciated. Meaning comes from living your values, behaving in an ethical manner or standing up for a cause you believe in. Although dark forces menace our world, millions of people are standing up to those forces and fighting back, protecting the environment, defending refugees, calling out prejudice like racism, homophobia, sexism and transphobia. And it feels good to do that, even if it’s an uphill struggle, because it’s meaningful.
It’s worth pointing out that neither of these solutions are easy, especially if you’re currently depressed. Depression saps our energy, drive and motivation, so making any big changes right now might seem impossible. But I also know that hope is a wonderful antidote to depression, so my sincere wish is that reading this post gives you even a tiny crumb of hope – that things can change, get better, shift from night into day.
And if you are depressed right now, sending you love and strength – I have been there and know how that feels, so I have deep empathy and compassion for your struggles.
Love,
Dan ❤️
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